Jessica was not under any delusion that he did this for her sake—it was only for the sake of the boys themselves that he was allowing her to see them. She swallowed hard. She missed them badly already, and wondered how they had taken her absence. Did they think that she, like their mother, had rejected them?
She longed to ring and speak to them, but pride would not let her. She would not allow Lyle to accuse her of trying to influence the boys behind his back. She had even refused to speak to Justine on the phone, not wanting to make any explanations or excuses to his sister that might conflict with anything Lyle himself might have to say.
The only good thing that had happened was that Andrea was now out of hospital. Jessica had kept from her the news of their separation, not wanting to cause her sister further anxiety, and had given as an excuse for asking her not to ring her the fib that the phone was out of order. Fortunately Andrea was too caught up in her own affairs to query the danger of a doctor’s phone being in this state.
The first weekend she was alone she spent moving back into her flat which she had let furnished. That night, for the first time since Lyle had told her to leave, she slept for two whole hours at a stretch without waking up.
On Sunday morning when the phone rang, she sat staring at the receiver for several seconds before picking it up. Somehow she had known it would be Lyle, and when he asked if the boys could spend the day with her she agreed abruptly.
‘I’ll bring them round at eleven and collect them again at six.’ His voice was so cold that any thoughts she might have had about trying to explain to him died at birth.
She saw his car arrive from her sitting-room window, but didn’t go down, simply watching as he directed the boys into the hall and waited as they pressed her intercom bell.
As she activated the internal locking system to let them in Jessica saw him drive away. The dull ache her misery had become over the last few days sharpened acutely, reminding her of all she had lost.
Both boys looked subdued. Her flat was too small for them really, and although it was pleasant enough to go outside, the neatly manicured lawns surrounding the apartments did not tempt one to run about and play on them.
All afternoon Jessica avoided any topic of conversation which might lead to Lyle and the reasons behind the breakdown of their marriage, but half an hour before their father was due to pick them up, Stuart, who had been withdrawn and quiet, flung himself into her arms crying bitterly.
‘Why can’t you come back with us?’ he demanded miserably. ‘We miss you. It’s horrid at home without you. Why did you leave us, Jessica?’
How on earth could she explain to them without involving their father?
In the end all she could do was hug Stuart tightly, her own tears damping his dark hair as she tried to find a way to explain the impossible.
‘Is it because you don’t love us any more?’ he demanded fiercely at last, pulling away from her and dashing a grubby fist against his eyes.
‘No, of course not. I still love you both very, very much,’ Jessica reassured him.
‘Is it because you don’t love Dad, then?’
She had left the window open because of the heat, and Jessica was never more glad to hear the familiar sound of Lyle’s car. It hurt dreadfully to send them down to their father, and ignore their pleas to go home with them, but what else could she do? And yet she couldn’t find it in her heart to blame Lyle. It would be as difficult for him to explain the situation to them as it was for her.
* * *
THE SECOND WEEK of their separation dragged past as painfully as the first. Sleeping and eating were both impossible in her keyed-up state and she knew she was losing weight. Both her skin and hair seemed to have lost their healthy lustre, and the only good thing that had come out of the whole thing was that she had managed to do some work on her book. It was only when she was working that she was able to stop thinking about Lyle—sometimes for almost half an hour at a time, but like all pain killers, work was only effective for so long.
On the Friday she forced herself to go out shopping to buy some food for the weekend, in anticipation of the boys’ visit. The phone was ringing as she walked into her flat and she dropped her shopping racing across to pick up the receiver.
‘Jessica?’
Even the sound of Lyle’s voice was enough to start her heart pounding crazily.
‘Yes?’
‘I’d like to come round and see you, tonight if possible. We have things to discuss.’
‘Yes.’
‘I’ll be round about seven, then. Susan is going to look after the boys.’
No mention of bringing them round to
see her over the weekend, Jessica noted, her whole body gripped by pain as she acknowledged to herself that he might be coming round to tell her that he no longer wanted them to see her. Stuart had been badly upset the previous weekend, and in all fairness they were his children and not hers.
Lyle arrived shortly before seven and although she had been waiting for this moment all day, now that he was here Jessica felt unable to cope with seeing him.
Even so she let him in, standing back so that he could precede her into the small sitting-room.