I slip into the shower, and I have to admit that I am stalling. I know he’s leaving. I know that tonight when he goes to bed, it will be someplace else. I turn off the water right before the stinging starts in my eyes, and I avoid looking in the mirror. I slip on my shorts that have blue clouds on them and match it with a baby blue long-sleeved V-neck shirt. I look at myself in the mirror and see that my blue eyes shine even more with this shirt.
I walk out, and I somehow wish he had just left without talking to me. "Hey," he says again, and I honestly don’t know what to do.
"Did you change your bandages?" I ask, walking to the kitchen and grabbing another glass. I need something in my hands so I don’t just stand here and look at him.
"Can you look at me, please?" he says, his voice low, and I take a deep breath and count to ten before looking up. I take a mental picture of him, but nothing beats him in real life.
"What is it?" I ask, standing in front of the island now, setting the glass down only because I’m afraid it will fall out of my hand and shatter.
"We need to talk," he says, and I laugh now.
"I’m pretty sure I know what you are going to say,” I say. "I got the hint when I walked in and saw your bag at the door." I don’t let him get a word in because I don’t think I can handle the bullshit coming out of his mouth. "When are you leaving?"
"Tonight," he says. "It’s easy to leave when it’s dark."
I nod now, pretending I know what the fuck he’s talking about. "Where are you going?" I want to kick myself. "Actually, you don’t need to answer that."
"Your uncle got me a house," he says.
"Well, then, I guess everyone wins," I say, looking at him. He puts his hands on his hips, and his head hangs down.
"This morning…" he starts, but I put my hand up.
"Forgive me,” I say. "For putting that on you." He looks at me, and I can see that his eyes have gotten darker. "If we can forget the past week happened." I swallow, but my mouth feels like it has a cotton ball in it. "We can just continue like…"
"Continue like you didn’t tell me you love me?" he says, his voice getting louder. "Continue like I haven’t had my lips on you? Continue like leaving this morning didn’t kill me?"
"Well, you left and didn’t look back, so we can go with that,” I say, sounding hurt, and I want to kick myself.
"What the fuck was I supposed to say?" He looks at me. "Sorry, Ethan, I’ll be right back. I just want to kiss your sister goodbye," he says, his voice calm. "Or maybe I could have said, Ethan, can you give me a second because I need to tell your sister that I can see what she means."
I look over at him. "What?"
"This morning," he says slowly. "Last night, I didn’t sleep." His eyes stare into mine. "The whole night you were in my arms, and I felt calm. I felt calm, and I felt at peace. I watched the stars all night long, and not once did I think of the darkness as evil. Not one time did I dread the next minute." I put my hand over my chest, hoping to calm down the beating. "Then this morning when we sat down and watched the sunrise, the same thing happened. I saw the fucking good. For once, I looked at the trees moving gently in the wind and thought it’s a good day." He looks down now. "Then as soon as I felt that, your brother shows up." He shakes his head, looking down and then up again, and I see the anguish all over his face. "Then your brother shows up, and just like that, I’m reminded that there is no happiness for me."
Chapter 23
Mayson
I look down as my heart beats in my chest. I think my heart stops when I look up and see the pain in her eyes, but it’s nothing like the pain I feel. "Then your brother shows up, and just like that, I’m reminded that there is no happiness for me." She looks down at her hands on the counter and rolls them around and around.
"Me here with you. Your kisses. Your touch. That is the happiest I think I could ever be." Might as well give it all to her. "Your smile." I look at her. "Your laugh, even your glare. Your touch." I close my eyes, pretending I’m close enough to touch her. Wishing I can do this with her in my arms. "Your kisses. Holding you in my arms. All of that makes me happy." My voice trembles now. "That is how I felt this morning walking out of here. But it was too good to be true. Because then there in black and white, I saw why I can’t have it. Why I’ll never ever get to have that happiness." My voice goes low with the last word.