He strode back to her, gripped her shoulders and tugged her under the protective cover of a tree. She really did need a break even if she was too prideful to admit it. "That isn't what I meant. Being with you is...was...incredible."
Her defiant eyes met his, her face trimmed with the white fur around her hood, which almost managed to hide the tremble of her chin that had nothing to do with chattering teeth. "Apparently not if you felt something was lacking."
His fists clenched in her jacket. "Damn it, you're not lacking, but you are trying to pick a fight." "I'm not the one who brought up faking, Colonel Freudian Slip."
How could he explain that being with Alicia when she was half there was better than being with anyone else completely in the moment? What a hellish line to walk, reassuring her about a relationship that was already over, opening them both back up to the slashing pain.
But he'd never been one to take the easy way out, and he'd once loved her enough to marry her. He owed her something, owed them both some peace.
"Okay, I admit that at first I expected things to be—" damn, but he was entering a minefield "—different between us."
"You thought because I'm unconventional on the outside that you were getting somebody more uninhibited?" She slumped back against the tree trunk, arms folded defensively over her chest. "Poor baby. What a shocker for you."
"Never mind." Screw this. He thrust away from the tree. "I'm bailing out of this conversation." "Like hell you are." She hooked both her hands around his arm.
"Let's get this straight right now." He pivoted, smacking one hand over her head and meeting her nose to
pink nose. "I was not disappointed. The attraction was there, no damn doubt about that. And that attraction was...is...so freaking intense I'm hard from just standing here with you, thinking about being inside you. The draw between us is that strong. Rare, even. Worth working for. I was certain that given time, we would have something—" heat flamed through him in spite of the arctic winds "— unsurpassable."
She sagged back, some of the fight seeping out of her in palpable waves. Her lips parted, begging to be kissed. "I am attracted to you, so much. I want you to know that."
"I know." And damn, damn, damn, but that knowledge blazed through him until he wanted her all over again. Here, now, against this tree until her cries of completion reverberated through the forest.
Why the hell did she keep closing herself off from him? The thought that it might be because she still loved some man long in the grave made Josh want to pound the tree.
Blast something out of the sky.
He'd thought often enough if she would only be honest with him, he could have handled his gripping frustration better. He'd even reached deep to tell her about the holiday siege at his college in hopes she would open up. No dice.
And now here they were all open and chatty, and he didn't feel one damned bit better. "Don't the magazines all say a percentage of sex is in the woman's head? I figured the problem had more to do with how much we were apart. You needed more, hell, I don't know. Time. Time to be comfortable with me."
To forget about the other guy.
She stared down at her booted feet, not so much avoiding but seeming to absorb his words without having to meet his eyes. "Why didn't you say something before?"
"And willingly have this discussion? Shit. I'm screwed no matter what I say here."
Finally, she looked up, so much pain and remorse in her eyes, he had to restrain himself from gathering her against him—the fastest way he could think of to send her running.
And damned if maybe he might want to hear the rest of this conversation after all.
"It isn't you, Josh. It's me. I guess I'm one of those percentages of women who just don't—" "You could." And, man, he wanted a second chance to prove that to her.
"God, you are so arrogant. Where is it written that whoever has the most orgasms wins? Do you really believe cl**axing equates with love? If so, I'm not so sure I like what that says about you." Her pain swelled, mixing with typical Alicia fire and bravado. "What? You don't have an answer for that, genius?"
His momentary flash of hope at a second chance fizzled, replaced by a dawning sense of how much deeper their problems went than miscommunication in bed. Because still she wasn't being straight up with him.
He started to wonder if maybe he was hoping for too much from life. He could toss all the wisecracks out there and somehow there would still be a wall between him and the rest of the world.
Josh canted closer, his mouth hovering just over hers. "Maybe it's you who thinks coming equals love, otherwise why fake it? Why not be honest with me?" The answer unfolded too easily in his head,
stomping that ember of hope dead even as her chin tipped to bring her lips nearer. "You thought I'd walk.
And I'm not so sure I like what that says about what you think of me."
Her hand clamped around the back of his head. She yanked him down.
Josh jolted in surprise. He should have seen it coming, if for no other reason than it made zero sense.