He watches me for a long moment. “The morning after the part that’s freaking you out?”
“I’m not freaking out.”
“Could have fooled me. Normally people who aren’t freaking out don’t hide in the bathroom and refuse to come out.”
He has me there. I take a careful sip of my coffee, mostly to buy time. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. That I am feeling too much and that’s why I’m a little freaked out? The man would laugh in my face. “I’m not freaking out,” I repeat for the third time. I almost sound like I mean it. “I’m planning for the next birthday.”
“Mmmm.” Devan sounds like he doesn’t believe me, which is fair. I’m lying through my teeth. He takes another drink of his coffee. “I’m not overly inclined to go hunt down a third person to reenact that.”
“You have a problem with sharing?”
He pins me with a look that has my thighs clenching together. “I think we’ve already established that I don’t have a problem with loaning out that pretty pussy if the situation calls for it.”
My body warms. “I thought that was all an act.”
“Nothing we’ve done so far is an act, not in the way you mean.” He’s still looking at me too intensely. “The reason that roleplaying is so hot is that there’s an element of truth in it.”
I hadn’t really thought of it that way, but he’s right. We might be exaggerating and playing up certain elements, but there’s a reason the core fantasies exist. “Okay, so where does that leave us?” Truth be told, I don’t want to invite another person into our little bubble. I have so little time left with Devan, I’m greedy for every second of his attention to be solely focused on me and me alone.
“I have a few ideas.”
Anticipation licks through me. Yes, this is better. We’ve touched on my fantasies. Now it’s his turn. More than simple birthday spankings. I want more. “Tell me.”
He finishes his coffee and sets the mug aside. “I want you to come to me.”
I take a large swallow of my coffee. “I’m going to need you to elaborate.”
“Every birthday, I’ve come to you.” He pauses, the tiniest indication of nerves, before pressing on. “I want you to come to me, Hazel. I want you to need this cock so bad, you can’t stay away. I want you to show up and beg me for it.”
The words wash over me in waves. I lick my lips, trying to process. “Yes. I want that, too. All of it.”
“You sure?” He’s still watching me like I’m a gazelle about to bolt, like part of him wants to sit me down and crawl around inside my head until he figures out what my earlier issue was. “At some point, we need to have a conversation—”
“I want you to fuck my ass,” I blurt. I don’t even know if I mean it. The words just pop out in a pure panic because if Devan and I start talking, we won’t be fucking…maybe not ever again. I want the fantasy he described, but I don’t want to talk.
He blinks. “No.”
“What do you mean, no?”
“Exactly what I said.” He pushes off the counter and moves to rinse his mug in the sink. “From your reaction, you’ve never been with anyone my size, which means you’ve never been fucked in the ass by anyone my size. That takes time to prep for, otherwise I’ll hurt you.”
“Maybe I want you to hurt me.” Something to remember him by, at least for a little while.
Devan gives me a sharp look. “Not like this, Hazel. You want me to paddle your ass again, we can talk. Other shit is up for negotiation, but I’m not going to do something that will cause you legitimate harm if done improperly.”
“I don’t care.”
“I do.” The firmness of his tone says this is one battle I’m going to lose. Damn it. He’s probably right, but that doesn’t change the disappointment weighing me down. Another experience we won’t share because there’s just not enough time.
I’ll just have to make do with what I have. “Fine. Not that. But I want to play out your fantasy.”
He looks at me for a long moment and then nods. “Go get ready, then. You want to seduce me, you better look the part.”
Chapter 13
I take my coffee back to the bathroom and start the process of putting myself back together. I stay in the shower far too long, letting the near-scalding water beat away all the mess in my head. By the time I wash my hair and body, I’m feeling almost like myself again. When I turn off the water and step out, I’m not even surprised to find Devan waiting for me.
He watches me dry off, expression nearly as greedy as I feel. Each second that ticks by is another lost. I want more, more, more, to fill up this day with him until there’s no room for anything else.