It’s likely not safe for me up here, to be honest. The rocks are wedged loosely, a path worn from the McCarthy mansion to the very tips of the cliffs that overhang the sea. I imagine many of them come here. Between the church and the sea, they visit the confessional. Receive two types of absolution. One, from above. One from the earth.
With my unsure footing, I could loosen a rock and tumble. And still, I walk closer to the edge. So close, the very tips of my shoes hang over the edge. A brisk wind picks up, and I shiver, drawing my cardigan tighter around me. I like knowing I stand on the edge of something fatal. There’s something about the danger that excites me.
Is that what attracts me to Tully?
I smile sadly to myself.
I don’t belong with a man like him. Do I belong anywhere? If I don’t go back to the McCarthys… where will I go?
My home seems empty now. So empty.
Just like me.
A lump rises in my throat, as I imagine my life when I walk away from here.
Will he follow me? I’ll have to tell him no. I’ll have to force him to stay away. We don’t share a baby anymore, so what is there that joins us together?
I look down to the sea below, watching as the tide comes in. Waves lap at the sandy shore, dragging rocks and shells back along with it. The beach is private, accessed only by the McCarthys, but I can get there from here.
I look back at the house. Does he know I’m here? Why do I want him to follow me?
I know I don’t belong with him. I’m a strong woman who doesn’t need a man to fulfill her. I’m strong and independent. And there’s no shame in being alone.
I look up at the sky, surprised at how quickly it’s darkened. Angry charcoal-gray clouds obscure the sun, moving in so fast, I wonder if it’s a mistake to go to the beach. But something propels me to go. I must. If I stay here by the cliffs, he’ll find me. He won’t let me go easily.
I need space and time, just like Sebastian said. Time to heal.
I lift my chin and draw in breath before I pull back my shoulders. I walk down the rocky steps that bring me to the beach below. A storm is coming, I can feel it in my bones and smell it in the air, but I welcome it.
The wind howls as I descend to the beach below.
* * *
Chapter 16
I walk quickly, but it isn’t fast enough. A storm’s rolling in. Doesn’t she know that? Doesn’t she know that a storm means possible lightning, definite rain, and danger? Christ, the woman’s so fucking headstrong.
As I walk past Maeve’s garden and look under the trellis, something glitters in the sunlight. I bend to pick it up. I hold it in my hand, frowning.
It’s a set of black rosary beads. Father Finn’s?
I shove it in my pocket, promising to myself I’ll call to return it, or pay him a visit.
At the gate, I turn to the guard. “I have to get someone,” I tell him. “Keenan wants us on total lockdown. No one comes in. Understand?”
“Aye, sir. Of course, sir.”
Keenan will understand. If that were Caitlin out there, he’d go, I know he would. And I’d never be able to live with myself if I didn’t go after her.
“McKenna!” I shout once I get beyond the iron gates. Of course, she doesn’t respond. Even if she were looking straight at me, she’d never hear me over the howling wind that’s kicked up.
I don’t see her now. I curse to myself. Where is she?
Christ.
“McKenna!” I scream, but my voice is almost instantly drowned in the wind. “McKenna!”
I should’ve been there more for her. I should’ve taken better care of her. I should’ve done something… fucking anything to keep her feeling safe and protected.
I pace along the cliffs, but she’s gone. I’ve walked here so many times, I know the way the path dips, the way the largest stone juts out beyond the edge, like the others. I know everything about these cliffs except what will bring me to McKenna.
“McKenna!” I scream.
I look to where the steps descend to the beach, but a large branch has fallen after a gust of wind. There’s no way she’s gone down there, anyway. The wind whips at my cheeks, nearly blinding me.
Where is she?
I shove my hands in my pockets and bow my head against the icy wind. My fingers touch something cold in my pocket. I draw out the rosary beads I found by the garden and shake my head.
Finn’s.
I take out my mobile and dial Father. “Pick up. Pick up…”
“Hello?”
“Father Finn. Tully here.”
There’s a pause and no response at first.