If I thought my anger at him would soften him in the least, I’m definitely mistaken. “And I can’t believe you thought it okay, when you’re recovering, and there are men on the loose, to go into town at all. I’m honestly fucking pissed Keenan even thought it alright with a guard.”
“Well, why don’t we know who’s pursuing me, then? Hmm?”
I ask the question pointedly.
“Oh, we have every intention of pursuing every possible avenue,” he says, frowning. “Only you wouldn’t know that since you’re not there, are you?”
“Are you blaming me for not spying?” My words sound ludicrous even to my own ears.
He pushes off the wall and prowls over to me, his eyes never leaving mine. My heartbeat accelerates, but I don’t stop fighting. I need to do this.
I want to shove him. I want to slap him. I want to haul back and take off so he can’t catch me.
And a part of me wants him to stop me.
As he nears, I feel his heat and the intensity of his gaze. He wouldn’t punish me when I was pregnant, but now… now will he hesitate?
“You don’t speak to me that way, McKenna,” he growls in my ear, and goddamn, my heartbeat accelerates. His deep voice comes to my ear, and I squirm a little.
He wraps his hand around my waist and pulls me to him. “You’re a very bad little girl,” he chides. “Aren’t you?”
I shrug. Two can play at this game. “I think I’m a very good girl.”
He cups my arse and squeezes hard. I push him away. I’m not sure why. But suddenly, the room feels too hot, we’re too close, and it feels damn near stifling. I can’t stand this.
“Just let me go,” I say, turning away from him. “Tully, I—this isn’t for me. None of it.”
He reaches for my chin, but I jerk my head away. “I don’t belong here. I thought when I was pregnant that I did. I thought maybe, just maybe, we could somehow make this work. But…”
My voice trails off. I’m not capable of loving a man like him. I’m not sure I’m capable of loving anyone at all.
I pull into myself and turn my back to him.
“McKenna,” he says, his voice gentling. “If this is about shopping, I’ll go with you, lass.”
I shake my head. Is it about the shopping? No. No, it isn’t the shopping at all.
“No,” I say, my voice sounding hollow and distant. I hate the feeling in my chest, this terrible gnawing feeling. “It’s about so much more than that. We fight.”
He reaches for me. “Everyone fights.”
“Not like us.” I give him a plaintive look, and he only stares at me.
“I don’t know if I belong here as a woman of the Clan. I teach at the school, aye, but that doesn’t mean I belong there either.”
He sighs and shakes his head. “None of us really belong anywhere, McKenna. We’re all just nomads, looking for a place to rest a while, aren’t we?”
I shake my head. “Not so, Tully. You aren’t. You have a family here with the brotherhood. You’re a respected member of the Clan. They love you, they really do.”
He holds me to him “And they love you.”
I shake my head. “They’re polite to me. They would’ve welcomed my baby, and for that I’ll be eternally grateful. As far as everything else… I don’t know.”
They don’t even know me. These men are criminals. Their wives know and condone this. Can I reconcile that?
Yes, a part of me begs. Yes, even as my logical brain tells me no.
“So this is it?” he asks, his eyes looking so angry I almost feel as if he’s accusing me of something.
“What?”
“This is what you think of us? That the only thing holding us together was a baby?”
When he puts it that way it sounds terrible. Shallow, even, and I hate shallow. Jesus.
His phone rings, and he points his finger at me. “Stay right there.” He answers the phone.
“Keenan?” He scrubs a hand through his salt and pepper hair.
“Bloody hell,” he mutters. He cups the mouthpiece and hisses, “I’ll be right back.” He heads to the bedroom and closes the door.
And then he’s gone.
But I’m done taking orders from him. I know he wants me safe. But he also wants me here for good, and I can’t agree to something like that. Not now.
Sigh.
Not ever.
I push the door open. The guard’s gone with the other girls, and the hallway looks oddly vacant, like the empty eyes of a corpse. Am I crazy?
I wonder if I lost my mind when I lost the baby. I’m not used to seeing it so empty here, so vacant. The door clicks behind me. He doesn’t follow, and a part of me wishes he did.
Where am I going? I’ve got clothes and I’ll bring my cats back to my little flat. I tell myself I just need a walk. I need to clear my mind. Between being back with Tully, the scare of the pregnancy, and then the devastating loss, meeting Mary… things have been harder than they have been in a really long time.