However, I’m fairly certain all three of them soiled their undies, and Logan got shit on by a bird as he walked back to his car. He’d just started to lower his ass into the seat when something hit his shoulder, and he started yelling for napkins and holy water.
I was bummed that the retribution had only been felt by him when Carter deserved more. But that’s where my baby came into it and showed me how amazing he truly was.
Like Garrett, Carter insisted on taking his work boots off in the house, except he took his off at the door before he even went in. He also did a walk around the house to make sure it was all clear and safe.
That’s where my baby got payback for his momma. We would discover later that whenever Garrett had gone to the store, he’d only focused on buying food for Clyde, not on what a change in diet would do to his stomach if he changed brands. Apparently, most dogs and cats needed to have a food change done gradually, and Garrett had been doing it each time. It wasn’t about what was the cheapest, he’d gone for the one that had a display up that caught his attention when it outlined precisely how good for our boy it was going to be.
In fact, this morning, I’d opened another new bag, kind of liking how plain the packaging was, but how formal and professional it looked, and how perfectly sized the kibble was when I poured some out for Clyde. That meant that while we’d been away, the poor guy’s stomach had had time to process the change in diet, and his ass had reacted in the only way it knew how.
So, with only socks on his feet, Carter had stepped right into a massive pile of shit.
“What the fuck is tha— Is that shit?” he snapped, hitting the light to make sure.
I could have told him from the smell alone that the likelihood of it being shit was pretty much near one hundred percent, but instead I leaned against the wall and watched him lift his foot up and then gag.
“Jesus Christ, why would he— I can’t,” he said, heaving after it.
“You might want to go and wash that off in the bathroom. Normally he does it in the shower there, but it seems like today he was feeling more like sharing it with us.”
Glaring at me over his shoulder—something which was made hilarious by the dry heave that came out of him as he did it—he started hopping toward the bathroom in the hallway while I moved to the kitchen to pick up my cleaning stuff. I’d found a clothes peg in a drawer last week, and instead of throwing it away, I’d added it to the ‘shit shoveling kit’. Because I was smart, I popped it on my nose before I went back over to the mess.
It was just as I’d bent down with some paper towels to pick up the smushed mess that I heard Carter yell, “Oh, fucking hell. It went through the fabric. I’ve got shit between my toes.”
I didn’t want to risk breathing in a mouthful of shit air, so I didn’t laugh like I wanted to. Again, you only make mistakes like that once.
The sound of something hitting something else followed, and then the unmistakable sounds of someone puking came loudly down the hallway. It lasted for as long as it took for me to pick up, do the first wipe down of the floor, and then start on the next round—all the while dodging Clyde’s excited attempts to lick my face—for the toilet to flush and the shower to turn on.
Throughout it all, I wondered what karma Bond was going to get.
And all because of a whistling booger.
Life continued like that for a couple of months. I had a babysitter every day, but I went about life almost like a normal person. I had a couple of down days where I really wanted to reach out to my parents, mainly Dad’s birthday and then their anniversary, but I kept myself busy with the course I was doing and then starting up the class at the high school.
I’d had my cast taken off the day before I’d started, so I didn’t look like a dick trying to write with my left hand on the dry erase board in the room. The kids were great and seemed to be absorbed in the information I was giving them.
Well, they were like that after the first week. For that first week, I had to keep repeating what the goal of the class was.
I wasn’t there to psychoanalyze them. I wasn’t there to do anything other than help them understand what psychology was all about. There were techniques they could use if things felt too much, which I outlined briefly to begin with, and I also did what I set out to do—help them to separate what they felt was the reality of everything in life with social media from the actual realities of life.