Snickering, he kneeled beside me and undid them. “What do you need from inside?”
“Everything.”
Usually, when someone says that, the person waits for them to start asking for stuff.
Not Garrett Evans.
Oh no, Captain Evans, in his panic, dumped out the contents of the bag onto the floor, and there was a lot of it.
“Holy shit, did she pack her whole wardrobe?”
How many changes does one baby need?
Picking up a towel thing, he lifted her legs and laid it from her butt down to her feet. “There, you can do the rest.”
My left hand might be shit at doing everything else, but it sure as hell worked when I was digging my nails into his arm to hold him in place.
“You’ll stay. If I couldn’t even open a bag, how the hell do I open a diaper or whatever other weird shit we’re going to need. What’s that?” I pointed at something weird on the ground.
Picking it up, he squinted at the small writing on it. The thing in question looked like a pacifier, but it had some sort of mesh on the end of it.
Did you put cream in it and stick it in a crevice? Was it to get dry bits of poop off?
“It’s a Fresh-Mesh Food Feeder.”
Blinking at it, I tried to correspond those words with anything butt related and couldn’t come up with anything. “Leave it, and we’ll try the next thing on the video.”
The two of us watched the small screen closely as she went through what we needed to do, but the problem was I really couldn’t figure out what she was talking about.
Fortunately, Garrett was having the same issue. “This isn’t going to work. I can remember some of the stuff she wanted us to have use, but I couldn’t see how we were meant to do it. If I play it again, can we mirror it on your television so we can see it properly?”
“That’s a genius idea.”
So, that’s what we did. With all of our supplies lined up, we sat and watched it carefully.
“I’m kind of screwed when it comes to pulling her legs back like she says to. If you sit on that side and pull it back, I’ll sit on this one and hold it with my forearm, and we can get it done like that.”
Blushing, he looked down at the baby who was gnawing on a fist and smiling at him. “I’ll hold both of her legs and look the other way, so I don’t see her…” he paused and waved at her crotch. “It’s indecent.”
“Then look the other way, you pussy!”
Carefully, the two of us got into position, moving slowly, so we didn’t scare her off. Like he was handling a bomb, Garrett pulled both of her legs back and up, making her giggle, and leaving the little button things on her crotch accessible.
“Damn, she’s adorable. How are you so stinky, baby princess?” he cooed, getting a squeal out of her. “You’ve got an ass like your daddy, don’t you? I know, I went to take a leak after he’d been in the bathroom last week, and I about died.”
I don’t know how much she understood, but she was laughing like it was the funniest thing ever. Then again, even I was finding it funny.
Once I had the poppers open, I carefully peeled the bodysuit away, revealing the diaper. I felt like I was taking part in some sort of animal discovery show, peering through the tall grass at a lion as it fed on a gazelle.
“I see the diaper,” I whispered out of the corner of my mouth at him. “I’m going to lift the front panel a bit higher up until I find those sticky pieces she mentioned.”
“They’re called the tabs, not the sticky pieces.”
Shooting him a glare, I lifted the bright pink material and breathed a sigh of relief when I found them.
The problem was, now that I was getting closer to ground zero, I was getting performance anxiety and couldn’t remember what I was supposed to do.
“Got them. Do I cut them off, or do they tear off?”
“You peel them back. I think they’re like Velcro.”
Cracking my neck, I went in and peeled the first one back, and then moved onto the second one.
“I wonder why she doesn’t use reusable diapers,” Garrett mused just as I was finishing the second tab. “It’s better for the environment.”
“Would you want to be surrounded by shit soup when it was soaking time for them?”
Dry heaving, he turned his head the other way as I pulled the front of the diaper away from Sheena’s chimichanga, bracing for the worst and sighing with relief when it wasn’t there.
“No bogeys. I repeat, no bogeys.” Looking back up at the television, I tried to remember what she’d said came next.
“You need to remove the dirty diaper and put it in one of the baggies Tabby had in the bag.”