what he made me—what I am.
Experiencing the full force of his confusion when he found himself under Roman’s spell. His numbness, his inability to control his own actions, his own words, everything carefully orchestrated by Roman who manipulated him into being cruel, into hurting me, but even though I already guessed it, here in the Shadowland I can feel it, and I know, now more than ever, that no matter what he said or did, his heart wasn’t in it.
He was just going through the preprogrammed motions, his body and mind dancing to Roman’s tune, while his heart, refusing to be controlled, never once strayed from mine.
Even when he leaves me to choose between him and Jude, he loves me as much as ever before. So much that he’s unsure if he can actually withstand the pain of losing me again, and yet he’s so convinced of his actions, so convinced he’s doing the right and noble thing, he’s fully prepared to lose me if that’s what I choose.
I watch how he spends those days without me, feeling lost and lonely and bleak. Haunted by the scenes from his past, sure that he deserves nothing less, and though he’s clearly overcome with joy when I return, deep down inside, he’s not entirely sure he deserves it.
I feel the fear he held in check when I was taken over by the dark magick I brought upon myself—just as I feel his eagerness to forgive me for all of the things that I did while under its influence.
Experiencing his love in such a deeply profound way, I’m left completely hollowed and humbled by the sheer abundance of it—by the way it never once shrank in its intensity, never once wavered throughout all of these passing centuries, throughout this past tumultuous year.
Humbled by the way he never once questioned his feelings for me in the way that I’ve questioned mine for him.
And yet, despite my occasionally turning him away—I now know something I failed to realize before:
My love for him also stayed true.
I may have questioned, second-guessed, veered a good ways from the path now and then, but all of that confusion existed only in my head.
Deep down inside, my heart knew the score.
And I know now that Haven was wrong.
It’s not always a case of one loving more than the other.
When two people are truly meant to be, they love equally.
Differently—but still equally.
The irony being—now that I realize all of this, finally realize the truth of him and me, I’m forced to spend the rest of eternity suspended in the abyss, reflecting on all that I missed.
Swathed in a never-ending cloak of darkness, completely disconnected from anything and everything around me. Haunted by the mistakes of my past that forever swirl by. Like an infinite show set on permanent repeat, taunting me with all that I could’ve been, if I’d only chosen differently.
If only I’d followed my heart instead of my head.
One thing made abundantly, blindingly clear—while it’s true that Jude’s always been there, always been kind and giving and loving toward me—Damen’s my one and only true soul mate.
I open my mouth, desperate to shout out his name, desperate for the feel of it on my lips, my tongue, hoping to reach him in some way.
But nothing comes.
And even if it did, there’s no one to hear me.
This is it.
My eternity.
Disconnected.
Dark.
Repeatedly tormented by a past I can’t change.
Aware that Drina is out there somewhere. Roman too. Each of us trapped in our own version of hell with no way to reach each other, with no end in sight.
So I do the only thing that I can—I close my eyes and surrender. Thinking that if nothing else, at least now I know.