He cal ed it some tree.
He questioned its very existence.
And I’m amazed he can’t see it. Amazed he can’t understand that it’s the tree, not the antidote that offers real and lasting salvation.
That it’s the only way to reverse our physical immortality.
The tree is our one and only chance to change everything.
But then, maybe he does understand.
Maybe he understands al too wel .
And maybe that’s why he’s so dead set against it.
“You’re right.” I lift my gaze to find his. “This whole time I have felt responsible. I have been beating myself up with the guilt. I have been so consumed with remorse that I dabbled in magick I had no business dabbling in. I even tried to make deals with people I should’ve stayed away from. I was so fil ed with self-loathing and blame, I was so desperate to reverse what I’d done, that I was wil ing to take whatever risk necessary in order to make it up to you—to make it up to us. I was wil ing to do whatever was needed to ensure that we could be together in the way that we want, until my whole world revolved around getting my hands on the antidote—at the expense of everything else. But now I know just how wrong and misguided that was. Now I know that instead of focusing solely on getting the antidote, I should’ve been focused on sparing our souls.”
He swal ows, squirms, hears the truth of my words, I can see it in the flash in his eyes, but it’s gone in an instant. His resolve hardening until he’s more unwil ing than ever to see my side, which only convinces me to continue.
“Damen, please hear me out. I know that on the surface at least, my decision probably looks pretty crazy, but it goes so much deeper than that. It’s like—I final y get it. I final y real y and truly get it. If it weren’t Roman insisting on keeping us apart, it would’ve been something else. The reason we can’t be together is because the universe won’t al ow it. Our karma won’t al ow it. Or at least not until we do what it takes to right this huge glaring wrong that you’ve made. Not until we change the course of our lives—the course of our souls—by returning them to the way they were always meant to be. You said so yourself, way back before we even started this journey, you freely admitted that what we are isn’t natural or right. That we aren’t living the lives that nature intended—that we’ve wrongly chosen physical immortality over the immortality of the soul. Those are your words, Damen, not mine. You also freely admitted that it’s cost us both dearly, that it’s the reason we keep facing al of these insurmountable obstacles, the reason why we’re thwarted at every turn in a way we can’t seem to overcome. You said it’s why Jude keeps showing up and getting in the way of our happiness. That without his even realizing it, he’s playing out his own destiny of trying to keep us from reliving the mistakes of our past.” I look at him, determined to make him see it, determined to break through to him, my voice gaining in pitch until it’s practical y squeaking. “Don’t you see what a huge opportunity this is? It’s a very real chance for us to truly be together forever in the way we were intended. It’s a chance for me to final y seize the destiny I was born for. The same destiny I’ve been cal ed on for several lives now, and I’m final y ready and wil ing to embrace it. I just hope you’l find a way to embrace it along with me.”
I bite down on my lip, prepared for whatever harsh words he might say, but he just shakes his head and turns away. So overcome with anger he can’t even face me. The words ground out between clenched teeth when he says, “The reason we can’t be together is because you just disposed of the antidote.” He swal ows hard, his hands curling and uncurling at his sides. “Ever, I don’t get it—don’t you want to be with me?”
And when he final y turns, when his gaze final y meets mine, what I find there makes my heart break.
“How can you even think that?” I ask, my voice along with my face completely stunned. “After al that I’ve gone through in the hopes that I could be with you?” I shut my eyes, take a moment to steady my breath, to col ect myself along with my words. “Didn’t you hear anything I just said? Of course I want to be with you! I want to be with you more than you’l ever probably realize! But not like this. Not because of the antidote. There’s another way. A better way, I’m sure of it now. Damen, we final y have the chance to reverse this huge, glaring wrong—we final y have the chance to live the lives we were meant to live—and once we do, we’l have no need for things like elixirs and antidotes. Don’t you realize what this means? Don’t you realize how epic this is?”
“Epic?” He practical y spits out the word. “Seriously, Ever, do you hear yourself? What could be more epic than the love that we share? Isn’t that what brings us back together, time and time again?”
I sigh, exhausted by his argument, exhausted by his unknown depths of complete and total stubbornness. Stil , I’m determined to make him understand before it’s too late, before it’s time to leave and he refuses to join me.
“That’s only part of the reason,” I say. “The other part is because each time I come back, each time I reincarnate, I’m getting yet another chance to realize my destiny. To right the wrong you inadvertently committed al those years ago. And righting that wrong is the only way you and I wil ever truly be free
to live and love as we want.”
He sighs and gazes off into the distance, remaining quiet for so long I’m just about to break the silence when he says, “There’s something else you need to know.”
I look at him.
“The tree is a myth. It’s the stuff of mystical legends. It doesn’t real y exist. The legends al claim it bears one piece of fruit every one thousand years. One piece of fruit that offers immortality to whoever gets to it first.” He smirks. “Tel me, Ever, does that sound even remotely real to you?”
I refuse to react to the faint trace of mocking in his tone when I say, “A year ago, a place like Summerland wouldn’t have seemed remotely possible. Neither would psychics, ghosts, chakras, auras, magick, time travel, reincarnation, near-death experiences, mediums, instant manifestation, the power of crystals, or magical elixirs that provide immortality.” I lift my shoulders. “So who’s to say this tree doesn’t exist too? And imagine that it does, Damen. Do you have any idea what this journey could mean?” My eyes pore over him, wil ing him to at least meet me halfway. “If it’s successful, it could clear your karmic debts. It could al ow you to make amends for your past. Begin anew. Wipe the slate clean and al that. Maybe you never forced anyone to drink, wel , anyone except me…” I pause, press my lips into a thin, grim line, then shaking my head, I add, “Maybe you were far too young and naive and inexperienced to ful y understand the far-reaching consequences of what you’d done, the danger you put us al in, heck, the existence of the Shadowland alone, which I know you didn’t even know about until you were sent there, but stil , anyway, my point is, while you might not have wil ingly set out to doom a whole host of souls to that horrible abyss—in the end, that’s exactly where this leads. And if nothing else, this is your one chance to fix it. Your one chance to present a choice to those you’ve either changed, or who were changed because of the elixir you made. It’s an opportunity that may never come again.”
“I never meant to hurt you,” he says, voice barely a whisper. “Never meant to hurt anyone.” I catch the unmistakable flash of pain and self-recrimination in his eyes before he looks away. “I never anticipated that you would blame me like this—or that you’d view spending an eternity together as a curse. Or ‘ doomed to a horrible abyss’ as I believe you put it.”
“I was talking about the Shadowland, Damen, not our future together.”
“But we’re not in the Shadowland. Our future is now. Right now. We stil have the recipe for the antidote—it’s not too late. Al we have to do is head out of here, back to the earth plane, and gather the ingredients. But you’d rather run off on some crazy wild-goose chase in the hopes of reversing this terrible curse that I’ve put upon you.”
“Damen—I didn’t mean—”
He holds up a hand, his face as broken as his voice when he says, “It’s fine. Real y. Believe me, Ever, you haven’t said anything I haven’t thought of myself a mil ion times before. It’s just hearing it from your lips … wel , it was harder than I ever expected. So, if it’s okay with you, I think I’l head back to the earth plane—I need some time to think. And, while I’m at it, I’l gather those ingredients for the antidote. After al , if you’re going to be stuck with me for the rest of eternity, at least the antidote wil al ow for certain … enjoyments that wil make your life infinitely more bearable.”
twenty-eight
I watch him leave, my thoughts racing through a maze of conflicted feelings. Part of me wanting to crash through the fading corner of that shimmering veil before it’s too late—so I can return to the earth plane right alongside him.
But the other part, the bigger part, is determined to get on with the journey.