“I think it’s because I was never afraid of the dark. Before I met Paloma and started reading energy, eternal night was the natural state of my being. Whatever the reason, as long as I keep talking, I’m pretty sure I can lead us out of here.” I take a step forward, tug on Auden’s hand, expecting him to follow, but he remains firmly in place.
“Where are we going, flower? If it’s dark here, it’s dark everywhere. Doesn’t matter where you lead us. It’s all the same in the end.”
While he makes a good point, there’s no denying I’ve just been offered a gift, and I refuse to ignore it. “Honestly,” I say, “I have no idea where we’ll end up. But we’ll never get further than here if we don’t at least try. As long as our friends are still out there I refuse to call it quits. At the very least, we need to determine what happened to them.”
FORTY-FOUR
LITA
The second the world turns dark, I sink to my knees in surrender.
Overcome by a combination of exhaustion and I-no-longer-give-a-crap defeat, I officially call an end to the fight.
I’ve been running from demons and hiding from Richters for too many hours to count. And now, with Daire clearly dead, I don’t see the point in continuing.
There’s nowhere to go.
Nothing to see.
It’s just a matter of time before evil claims me.
I drop my head in my hands. Give myself permission to cry. But surprisingly, the tears just won’t come. Instead of the panic I assumed I would feel, I find myself immersed in a strange wave of calm.
I guess there really is peace in certainty.
Even if the thing you’re certain about is your own grisly demise, it’s still better than the anxiety that comes with not knowing.
And it’s not like I don’t see the irony.
When Axel first left, it felt like the end of the world. But clearly I was wrong. The end doesn’t feel anything like I imagined it would.
It’s not at all panicky.
Doesn’t make my heart ache so badly I’m sure it’s about to implode.
It just feels final.
Imminent.
Sure to find me when it’s good and ready.
With nothing more to do than wait, I settle onto the ground and curl up on my side. Resting my head on my arm, I tuck my chin to my chest, and allow my eyes to drift closed, when something floaty and soft tickles the tip of my nose.
I gasp. Leap to my feet. Convinced some kind of foul creature, most likely a cockroach since they’re definitely set to inherit the earth, is building a nest in the neckline of my dress, I frantically bat at myself, until it tips from the bodice and glides to my feet, where I discover it isn’t even remotely close to an insect.
It’s the eagle feather Axel gave me right before he left.
Same feather I stashed in my bra, figuring it was useless.
But now, with nothing to lose, I hold it before me and squint into the dark. Striving to make out its lilting form, but unable to discern anything more than the shadowy curve of its vane, I close my eyes and make a wish.
One that isn’t the least bit frivolous.
If Axel is right, if belief and intent really are the spine of both miracles and magick, then I can’t afford to not take this seriously. Gathering every shred of faith that remains, I project it onto the feather. Refusing to feel silly, refusing any emotion other than my unwavering devotion to see that it’s done.
Imagining how the scene might look. How it might make me feel, both inside and out. Until I’m so consumed with the vision, I snap my eyes open, expecting to see it manifesting before me, only to find I’m surrounded by black.
I settle back onto the ground, bring my legs to my chest, and wrap my arms around them. Consoling myself with the thought: At least I tried. At least I gave it all that I had. When a hand clasps onto my shoulder, and Xotichl says, “Hey, Lita. You okay?”