“We came all this way because it’s convenient for Luther. It’s where he wanted to meet.” Auden picks up the speed, places a reassuring hand on my knee.
“Well, don’t you think he should’ve made it convenient for us? After all, you’re the one signing the contract.”
“Exactly.” Auden peers at me through a clump of thick, shaggy bangs that fall into his eyes. “And if it wasn’t for Luther, there’d be no contract to sign.”
“Don’t sell yourself short.” I frown. “Luther’s the one who’s set to benefit the most. As they say in Vegas—the house always wins.”
“Which means the record company is the one set to benefit most. Then Luther. Then me. Don’t forget, I’m just the lowly musician.” He laughs, jiggles my knee in an attempt to get me to laugh too, or at least lighten up, but it doesn’t quite work. “Listen,” he says, determined to try again and relieve at least some of my tension. “The location may suck, but I’m lucky to be here. It’s not like anyone else was lining up to give me a contract.”
“That’s because you mostly played the Rabbit Hole and a few clubs in Albuquerque. It’s not like this is Nashville, New York, or L.A. It’s not like you were really out there marketing yourself.”
“Because I couldn’t stand the time spent away from you. It never seemed worth it.”
“And now you can?”
“Hardly.” He leans across the seat to plant a kiss on my cheek, drawing away as he says, “Also, I knew we were okay, but not quite good enough. I wanted to get our sound together before we went wide.”
“Yeah, but now it’s just you. It’s not like they wanted the rest of the band.”
“And I still feel bad about that.”
“I always thought it was a cool name, but maybe in a way it was a little too prophetic.”
He looks at me.
“You know, Epitaph getting its epitaph . . .”
His lips flatten, he focuses back on the road, and we both fall silent. Allowing a few miles to pass before Auden says, “Thing is, my sound still isn’t quite where I want it, nor where they want it, but luckily they’re willing to work with me.”
I lift my shoulders, stare out the side window.
Which probably isn’t the reaction he was looking for, since it prompts him to say, “Xotichl, are you not happy for me?”
“No.” I look at his crestfallen face, instantly realizing my mistake. “I mean, yes! I am happy for you. You have no idea. But I also think you’re acting too grateful.”
“Since when is gratitude a negative?”
“In general, hardly ever. But when you get that I’m just so lucky to be here I’ll put up with anything attitude—then it’s a problem.”
“That’s hardly the case.”
“Isn’t it?” I turn to him with a challenging look. “You dropped the band without once looking back, and now we’re headed for the ends of the earth because it’s convenient for Luther. Never mind that it’s completely out of our way.”
Auden sighs, lifts his fingers from the wheel, then returns with a grip that appears twice as tight. “It’s not quite as simple as that. There’s more to it. Stuff I didn’t want to bother you with. But the important thing is, once this contract is signed, my songs are recorded, and I’m playing on the radio all over the world, it’s going to be pretty tough for your mom to say I’m not good enough for you.”
I slink further down in my seat, not sure I’d agree. Auden is my first and only boyfriend, so I can’t say for certain, but I’m pretty convinced that where my mother’s concerned, no boy will ever be good enough for her little girl.
At first I thought her overprotectiveness was due to my blindness. Like it stemmed from this instinctual, maternal urge to keep me safe and buffered from the big, bad, dangerous world—especially the big, bad, dangerous world of boys.
Despite Auden’s genius IQ, despite the fact that he graduated early so he could attend university, she remained unimpressed. And now that my sight has returned, she’s waged a whole new defense for why we shouldn’t be together. Turning what should be a happy, if not celebratory time, into a constant series of battles, both big and small. And the truth is, the war she’s waging is turning out to be far more successful than I’d like to admit.
It’s making me feel torn between them.
I love Auden with all of my heart, same as he loves me.
And I just don’t get why that isn’t enough.
“That must be him.” Auden tips his head toward the windshield and the landscape of endless miles of nothing beyond. “See those headlights, right up there where the two roads cross—it’s gotta be him, right?”