“Maybe best . . . you,” the officer said to Sophie.
“I’m partially deaf not stupid,” she snapped at him.
Sophie turned to her, facing her head on. She didn’t have a problem hearing one-on-one, without any background noise. She’d definitely had no problems hearing Jerry. He was loud enough to wake the dead. But add in a crowd, and things became a lot harder. Her right ear was good, but she was mostly deaf in the left. No one knew why or when it had happened. She’d always had the best hearing aids money could buy. The one she had now nestled right into her ear canal.
And it was upstairs on her nightstand. Hadn’t seemed like a priority when she’d needed to get to Sophie.
“She . . . needs . . . aid,” Sophie was saying.
Ria pulled away from the wall. Hey, look at that, she could stand on her own. Yipee. It was the small victories.
“Going to get dressed and get my aid,” she told Sophie. She knew she wasn’t catching most of their conversation. She also wanted a few minutes to herself. And, you know, wearing something other than a pair of white panties and a well-worn T-shirt wouldn’t hurt either.
One officer accompanied her up to her apartment while two more carted Jerry off and another one stayed with Sophie.
“Worried I’m going to do a runner?” she asked the boyish-looking cop once they were out in the quieter hallway.
He turned to look at her. “No offence, ma’am but you’re not looking too well. Thought it was best to come with you.”
He spoke slowly and clearly. With some understanding in his face. She didn’t want to feel thankful for that. She wanted to snipe at his thoughtfulness. To tell him she didn’t fucking need his understanding. She recognized the need to lash out and forced herself to rein it in. It wasn’t going to help anyone, least of all her. She hated that about herself. It never made her feel better. In fact, it made her feel worse. And it kept people at a distance. And wasn’t that the point?
She hadn’t always been this guarded and suspicious. She’d been happy and friendly. Freddy used to warn her she had no sense of self-preservation. She’d joked that she didn’t have to when she had him to take care of her. Any problem, he’d fixed. Any pain, he’d mended. Any fear, he’d taken away.
Fuck, she missed him.
And she hated him.
And loved him.
It was enough to make her feel ill. And mushy. And she didn’t do mushy anymore.
She didn’t bother to explain her hearing impairment, just led him up to her apartment. Each step felt like she was weighted down by concrete. Her body started to shake.
Shit. Not good. She walked through her apartment door quickly, moving into the bedroom after giving the police officer a wary look. She’d learned not to trust anyone.
He must have caught her look, or maybe he just had more experience with than his babyface would suggest because he waited at the just outside the entrance to her apartment. She quickly closed the battery door on her hearing aid to turn it on and slipped it into her ear. She hated it. Hated her impairment.
Ugly. Imperfect.
She took a shuddering breath in. Very few people knew about her disability, and she preferred it that way. She’d dealt with enough pity, disgust and rejection in her life. And most of that had come from her asshole father.
She got quickly dressed. She chose some yoga pants and a sweatshirt, not bothering to attempt to put on a bra. She didn’t care what the cops thought about her boobs swinging around. There was no way she could get a bra fastened with the way her hands shook. She stepped into the bathroom and took a look at herself in the mirror. With a grimace, she tidied her hair, and splashed some water on her face.
Her wrists screamed with pain. She studied them. They were swollen and already bruising.
How was she going to keep that hidden at work? Luckily, she wasn’t due back until Friday night. But Sophie had work tomorrow. She checked her phone; it was two in the morning. Correction, Sophie had a shift starting at seven tonight. No chance of her doing that with her bruised face and arm.
She took a deep breath and let it out. Sometimes, she wished she didn’t have to do this alone. Sure, she had Sophie and she loved her, but she didn’t know the full truth of who Ria was. She wasn’t so sure Sophie could handle it. Sophie needed someone who would take care of her. Who would keep all the bad shit away and just love her the way she was.
Ria needed . . . well, right now she needed some pain reliever and a bottle of bourbon. But she wouldn’t be getting it. Getting drunk wasn’t something she could allow herself. It was too risky. She’d be too vulnerable.
That was part of the reason she didn’t play anymore. She was too frightened that the walls she’d erected would be blasted through and her shit would leak out everywhere. Plus, she didn’t think she could trust another Dom enough to let go.
She heard the officer call out.
“Coming,” she snapped back. “Pull it together, Ria. You’re the only one at your back. And you need to have Sophie’s too. Be strong. Be fierce. Be a fighter. And don’t let ’em see your fears.”
Freddy had told her that the day they’d stood over their parents’ graves. She took a deep breath. She could do this.