“Great,” I said. “Lucky us.”
Ben told me to write an account of exactly what happened in California. I had been keeping a diary on his advice ever since I’d hired him. It included time spent with Alex, things I noticed about his development, family photos, and, maybe most important, any concerns I had about Christine. The fact that she had whisked our son away from me two days early certainly qualified. Those ups and downs of hers were a concern, deeply troubling. Was this latest development one of them?
“There’s one other thing,” Ben told me. “You might not like it a whole lot.”
“Listen, you find something for me to like about all this and I’ll double your fee.”
“Well, one of your strongest arguments is going to be Alex’s relationship to his siblings.”
“Jannie and Damon aren’t going on the witness stand,” I said flatly. “That’s a no, Ben; I won’t allow it.”
How many times had I seen capable adult witnesses eviscerated in a courtroom? Too many to even consider putting my kids up there.
“No, no, no,” Ben assured me. “Definitely not. But it would have a positive impact if they could be present for the hearing. You want Alex back, don’t you? That’s our goal, right? If I’m wrong about that, then I don’t want to spend time on your case.”
I looked around my office, as if for some kind of magic answer. “I’m going to have to think about it,” I finally said. “I’ll get back to you.”
“Remember the big picture, Alex. This isn’t going to be pleasant, far from it, but it will be worth it in the long run. We can win this thing. We wi
ll win.”
He was so calm and collected. Not that I expected him to get emotional—I just wasn’t in the mood for a rational conversation with my attorney.
“Can we talk first thing tomorrow?” I asked.
“Sure. But listen, you can’t give up hope. When we get in front of a judge, you need to know in your heart that you’re the best parent for your son. That doesn’t mean we have to trash Christine Johnson, but you can’t come in looking, seeming, or even feeling defeated. Okay?”
“I’m not defeated. Not even close to it. I can’t lose my son, Ben. I won’t lose Alex.”
“I’ll do everything I can to make sure that doesn’t happen. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Call me at work or at home. You have my cell?”
“I have it.”
I don’t know if I said good-bye to Ben or even hung up before I threw the phone across the room.
Chapter 31
“WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?” Nana called from below. “Alex? Are you okay? What happened?”
I looked at the smashed phone on the floor and felt unhinged. “It’s all right,” I called back. “I just dropped something. Everything’s fine.”
Even the little lie didn’t sit well with me, but I couldn’t face anyone right now. Not even Nana Mama. I pushed back from my desk and put my head down between my knees. Goddamn Christine. What was wrong with her? It just wasn’t right, and she had to know that.
She couldn’t have chosen a worse way of going about this, either. She was the one who decided to leave, who said she was unfit to be Alex’s mom. She told me that. She used the word—unfit. And she was the one who kept changing her mind. Nothing had ever changed for me. I wanted Alex from the moment I set eyes on him, and I wanted him even more now.
I could see his face, his shy little smile, a cute wink he’d developed lately. I could hear his voice inside my head. I wanted to give him a big hug that wouldn’t stop.
It felt so unfair, so completely wrongheaded. All I had in me was anger and even a little hatred for Christine, which only made me feel worse. I’d give her a fight if that’s what she wanted, but it was insane that she did.
Breathe, I told myself.
I was supposed to be good at staying calm in a bad situation. But I couldn’t help feeling that I was being punished for doing my job, for being a cop.
I don’t know how long I sat up there, but when I finally left the attic, the house was dark and still. Jannie and Damon were asleep in their rooms. I went in and kissed them good night anyway. I took Jannie’s mouse ears off and put them on the bedside table.
Then I went out to the back porch. I flipped the lid on the piano and sat down to play. Therapy for one.
Usually, the music took hold of me, helped me work through or forget whatever was bothering me.