“Sort of a double-edged sword because none of us really know how long we have.”
He grinned. “That’s why time’s so precious.”
“I get it,” she admitted. “I know I can’t go on like this forever, but it feels like it’s too soon to … start over. What if Ryan’s just some guy I’m supposed to know? What if everything we have is just a fling? I’ve never been with anyone but Nash. Our relationship grew as we grew up together. He was my life. We had a hundred dates at the middle school lunch tables before we even kissed. We shared a million conversations and a thousand secrets before we lost our virginities together. I don’t know how to date a man. I don’t have a clue what I’m supposed to do.”
“Is there a specific expectation?”
She raised her brows. “Are you trying to make me say it?”
He frowned. “Do you think teenagers are the only generation to share those first emotional forms of intimacy, those curious insecurities that come with sharing vulnerabilities?”
“No, but adults screw. It’s casual.”
“Not to all adults.”
She pursed her lips. “Fine. To most adults sex isn’t a big deal. I’ve made it this enormous elephant in the room, and I don’t know how to shrink it.”
“You want intimacy to hold less significance? How much less?”
She lifted a shoulder. “I’d prefer a mouse to an elephant.”
“Elephants are afraid of mice. Making something appear smaller doesn’t always remove the fear factor.”
“Which is why I don’t think it’ll ever happen. It’ll always be a big deal, and my obsessing over it will only make things more awkward.”
“Yet, you said Ryan’s willing to wait until you’re ready where intimacy is concerned. Knowing that, do you still feel pressured?”
She crossed her legs and then crossed her arms over her chest. Her brow scrunched as she tried to pinpoint the source. “Maybe.”
“Do you know where that pressure’s coming from?”
Her lips pressed tight and she bobbed her foot nervously. “I think so.”
“Can you share it?”
She looked toward the windows, her frustration mounting. “It’s coming from me. Okay? It’s me. I like him. I like when he looks into my eyes, and I like when he holds my hand. And sometimes he touches my hair or my shoulder and…”
“It’s okay to enjoy those things, Maggie.”
“It’s too soon.”
“According to who?”
“Me.” Though her body didn’t seem to agree. “I don’t know.” Her arms tightened over her chest. “What if people think I’m dishonoring Nash’s memory or assume I didn’t love him as much because I move on?”
“Which people? Who has a right to the intimate details of your sex life?”
She shrugged. Perrin would eventually ask. “My sister.”
“How would she know unless you told her?”
“I don’t know. She’ll be able to tell. She knows me better than anyone.” Which was why she’d been dodging her since Ryan moved in. Too many questions.
Alec flipped to a clean sheet of paper and wrote something down. “There’s a saying. It’s an oldie but a goody. I’m going to write it down for you, and I want you to keep it in your pocket for the next few weeks. Read it often and try to memorize it. Feel free to repeat it whenever you’re feeling unfairly judged and criticized.” He tore off the sheet of paper and passed it to her.
She read his scribble. “Butt out.”
“I know it’s not the most eloquent phrase, but I find it does the trick.”
She smiled, wondering what it was like for him living on that mountain with all those McCulloughs. “I bet you use this from time to time.”
“It’s come in handy on occasion.”
“Thanks.” She folded the paper and stuffed it in her pocket.
When Alec subtly closed his portfolio, she knew their time was up. She hadn’t moved any closer to a decision where Ryan was concerned, but she decided to work on being more honest with herself.
Ryan was an unexpected surprise. He was thoughtful. Sometimes he brought her trashcans up from the curb. He bought her a headlight for her bicycle. He held doors for her. But most of all, he made her feel good, when for the last two years she’d felt nothing but sadness rotting away her insides. Somehow, he soothed some of her pain.
Scrubbing her palms over her face, Maggie tried to shake off the uncomfortable feelings that surfaced during their session. She stood and so did Alec. “So, same time next Monday?”
“There’s one more thing, Maggie.” He waited until she looked at him. “This is a bit awkward, and I wasn’t sure if I should bring it up or not but I didn’t want to blindside you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“This weekend we might see each other at the party.”
Party? She frowned. “What party?”
His expression turned confused. “It’s Ryan’s birthday.”
“It is?”
“I assumed you knew.”
“No. He didn’t tell me.” Crap. “Is it Saturday or Sunday?”