Sylvia said I was born with a caul, but the idea of having some kind of supernatural ability to see and hear the past was overwhelming and stressful. I asked God to show me the way, to give me a sign so I’d know the right choice to make because right now I was muddled, scared and confused. Would becoming a nun transport me away from all this? Was it a way of life that would bring me peace? Or was I making a decision I’d regret for the rest of my life?
***
“Estella, I have good news,” Sister Dorothy said at the end of English class the following Monday. “There’s a convent down in Waterford that will sponsor you to go to college and study before joining their order,” she said.
She handed me a large folder and gratitude poured right out of me. I could go to college and become a nun? It seemed too good to be true. I took a quick look at the brochures and print outs she’d made, a sense of optimism I hadn’t felt in a while returning. “If you still want to do this, I’m willing to mentor you over the summer and help prepare you for what’s ahead.”
An overwhelming sense of relief swept over me. “You are?”
She gave a kind smile. “I was once where you are. It would be a great privilege to help guide you on this path.”
“This is so kind of you, Sister Dorothy. I don’t know how to thank you.”
She gave my hand a soft pat. “No thanks needed. Few young people choose this life anymore. I consider myself lucky to be able to guide a young lady such as yourself into the sisterhood.”
I thanked her again several times, a new determination forming. I was making the right decision. I could escape my curse and use my life to do some good in the world. And maybe I’d finally be able to sleep through the night without bad dreams haunting me.
Then my mind went to Vee, who had pleaded with me not to leave her alone in the house with Sylvia. I was worried about telling her my plans. She’d done very little to deserve my worry or care, and yet, I didn’t want to abandon her. She’d been doing so well staying sober, and I feared my leaving would send her off the deep end.
There was only one option. I needed to convince Noah to stick around and take care of her. I’d still come to visit during the holidays to check in on her, but if he made the decision to stay home for good, then at least Vee would have someone to keep her on the straight and narrow. Guilt nipped at me though, because I was essentially asking Noah to change the course of his life in order to assuage my conscience.
I was studying in the living room that evening when the roar of his engine sounded down the driveway. A lot had transpired between us. The kiss. His rejection when I asked him to have sex with me. Not to mention his confession about spending time in prison. We needed to talk about all of it, but right now I’d rather avoid all that and instead talk to him about Vee. My emotional headspace was all over the place and discussing the practicalities of who would care for my stepmother when I left was the most I could handle.
I listened as the front door opened, and he shuffled around in the hallway, taking off his jacket. Swallowing tightly, I tried to focus on my book, but it was no use. It had been two whole days since I last saw him, and I was nervous. I was also the only person in the house, since Irene took Sylvia out for the day, and Vee drove into the city to go shopping.
I lifted my eyes from my book a moment before Noah stepped into the living room.
He cast me a brief glance as he picked up the remote and turned on the news. The chunky black television was straight out of the nineties, but it was still one of the newest things in the house. He lowered into the armchair on the far side of the room as he listened to the lunchtime headlines. My heart thumped hard as I initiated conversation, “Good day at work?”
He shrugged. “It was all right.”
Ugh, why was he acting so distant? Did he think I judged him for having been to prison?
That sort of information would be a red flag for most, but I wasn’t like most people. At least, the connection Noah and I shared was so powerful that past misdemeanours didn’t really factor in. Whatever he’d done, it wouldn’t change how I felt about him, and that was the scary part. If I was going to put plans for my future in motion, I needed to stay away from Noah because being around him made me want to cast aside those plans and lose myself in the feelings that threatened to drown me.