Heat warmed my face and chest. Having him touch me again gave my whole body tingles.
I still refused to meet his gaze, blowing out a breath. “When I told Aoife about my plans to join a convent, she said I should, uh, experience everything life has to offer before I commit to the decision. That stuck in my head, so I had this idea to ask Kean to help me, um …”
“Experience everything life has to offer?” Noah finished, his eyes narrowing to slits.
I nodded shyly. His expression hardened. A silence fell, and I sucked in a deep breath.
“Anyway, I’ve changed my mind, so I need to go and tell him that.”
One eyebrow slowly rose. “Why do I get the feeling you’re not telling me everything?”
Was I that obvious?
“Well,” I hedged. “It’s just that when you called me earlier today, I wasn’t at the library. I was with Kean.”
“You were with Kean,” he stated flatly.
“We kissed,” I blurted. “It was a mistake, and I didn’t enjoy it at all. I’m sorry I kissed him before I kissed you, but I had no idea you were going to kiss me today. You took me completely by surprise, and if I had any clue I never would’ve gone near Kean—”
“Estella,” Noah said, gripping me by the shoulders. “Calm down.”
I blew out a shaky breath, raising my eyes to his. “Are you mad?”
He pressed his lips together. “Yes, but you don’t need to be so nervous about it.”
“Okay,” I said, swallowing thickly. “So-o …”
“So, don’t do it again.”
“I have absolutely no intention of doing it again.”
“Good.” The possessive shine in his eyes made my stomach flip.
A moment of silence passed as he held my gaze. He seemed to be thinking deeply about something before he said, “You’re not going to take Aoife’s suggestion?”
His warm breath washed over my skin as he leaned closer. I swear I’d never felt so mortified and turned on at the same time. “I don’t know. I’m pretty confused to be honest.”
“What are you confused about?”
I sent him a meaningful look as I whispered. “I’m confused about who I want.” I wasn’t confused at all. I just didn’t have the guts to come out and say it.
Noah’s fingers swept under my chin and down my neck, his voice a whisper, “Who do you want?”
Oh, just bite the bullet. I squeezed my eyes shut and answered, “I want you.”
The air between us thickened. I didn’t open my eyes, and Noah didn’t say anything for a long moment, though I could feel the intensity radiating from him. Every inch of my skin was on fire.
“No.”
The single word had me opening my eyes. Noah’s expression was implacable.
“No?” I repeated questioningly.
“You heard me.”
He didn’t need to explain himself. I knew what he was saying no to and hurt swelled in my chest at his rejection. “Why not?” I asked, a quiver in my voice. He’d kiss me, but he wouldn’t have sex with me?
Noah captured both my cheeks in his hands, his gaze fierce. “Because you don’t know the real me, Estella, and if you did, you’d be horrified by my wickedness.”
“You’re not wicked,” I said, though at the back of my mind I still wondered. There was so much I didn’t know about him, and yet, I knew how I felt.
“Yes, I am,” he countered. “I was moulded from cracked, malevolent claws, fashioned from materials that were rotten with decay. It’s not my fault, but I can’t change it. I kissed you because I’m selfish. You turn my self-control to ash, but I need to be selfless when it comes to this. It wouldn’t be fair for you to share your body with a creature like me.” He stalked away from me to stand by the window, raking a hand through his dark hair.
“I don’t think you’re as bad as you believe,” I told his back.
He spun around, a thousand tiny fires burning in his eyes. “What if I told you I spent the better part of the last decade in prison? Would you still want me then?”
20.
I stared at him, mouth agape. My mind raced to digest what he’d just said as someone stepped into the room.
“Noah,” Vee spoke, her tone reprimanding. “Can I talk to you in private for a moment?”
He stared her down, jaw tense, then strode across the room and out the door. Vee glanced at me warily. I was still trying to process what Noah just said.
“He’s lying,” she stated flatly. “My brother likes to make up stories. Don’t listen to him.” With that, she left, and I sank down onto the bed. My hands were shaking. Somehow, I didn’t believe Vee when she said Noah was lying. Which begged the question, what had he been in prison for? I pulled out my phone, typing his name into a search engine to try and find any local news articles that might’ve mentioned him.