Come too late.
Just generally suck at the whole lovemaking thing.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I curled up in a ball on the couch. I pulled my legs up to my chest and just held on, trying to keep the insane panic that was washing over me from taking too tight a hold. I could hear my panting breaths in my ears, and my heart felt like it was going to rip right through my ribcage. I could hear the clock ticking, bringing me closer and closer to the time I would have to make a move.
The phone rang.
I wanted to just keep myself in the fetal position and ignore it, but I was not good at ignoring the phone. Once it rang, I always felt compelled to answer it. It was one of the things Mayra found amusing about me. Even though I knew it was usually telemarketers calling, I couldn’t not answer the phone.
“Hello?”
“I love you.” Mayra soft voice flowed out of the phone’s speaker and into my heart.
My legs gave out, and I dropped to the kitchen floor. I used my free hand to tug my hair, and I let out a long breath. The phone felt cold against my cheek, and I pressed against it as if I were closer to Mayra that way.
“I’m scared,” I whispered.
“I know,” she replied easily. “I am a little, too. It’s all right. We’re all right. I love you, and I’ll still love you tomorrow, no matter what happens tonight.”
Her words covered my skin and relaxed my muscles. I rubbed my fingers against my closed eyes as I leaned back against the wall.
“I want it to be good for you,” I said quietly. “I don’t want to mess it up.”
“Matthew, I don’t know what I’m doing either, you know. But this is also about the most natural thing two people can do together. Remember the first time you kissed me?”
“Yes.” I would remember it forever.
“You remember how you just let go—let your instincts take over?”
“Yes.”
“Do that again.”
“I don’t know,” I said. I shook my head back and forth, rolling it against the wall behind me. I considered what my “natural instincts” might be and envisioned myself pounding into Mayra as hard and fast as possible. “If I did that, I might hurt you.”
“I don’t think you could ever hurt me,” Mayra replied.
“I love you so much,” I told her. “I want everything to be perfect, and I don’t even know what perfect looks like.”
“Perfect looks like you and me together,” she said. “Everything else is icing. Oh! Speaking of icing…I made it from scratch.”
“You’re bringing cake?”
“Yep.”
“Chocolate?”
“Yep.”
“Is it six o’clock yet?”
Mayra laughed.
“Almost,” she replied. “I still have a few things to do around here, and Henry doesn’t leave for another hour. Don’t come too soon, or he’ll still be here.”
“Does he know you are coming over?”
“Yes,” she said with a sigh. “I have the feeling he knows I’m spending the night there, but he would rather pretend not to know, you know?”