hich rolled around her head and framed her pale face. There were smudged, dark marks underneath her eyes, and I realized she had put on eye makeup, which I didn’t think I had seen her wear before, but it had smeared a little around her eyes. It was dark blue, the same color as the shirt she was wearing. As I looked at her, a tear slipped over her lashes and fell down her cheek.
“Why are you crying?” I asked, confused.
Mayra turned back to me, and I looked off to one side.
“I was worried about you,” she said again. “Also, Travis is probably right. I am pushing you too hard, aren’t I?”
She slid her fingers up and down my jaw.
“Please tell me,” she whispered. “Please tell me if this is too much for you.”
“If what is too much?” I found myself whispering as well.
“Me…you…us…”
I swallowed and tried to gather my thoughts, but they weren’t interested in revealing themselves to me. I was still numb, and my muscles ached from the exertion of the attack. It was difficult to focus after I had a major attack, and I still wasn’t quite myself. Even if I had been, I wasn’t sure I would fare much better.
“It is, isn’t it?” Mayra said, her voice still hushed. In my peripheral vision, I could see her head and shoulders droop. “You don’t…want to do this, do you?”
I knew I needed to say something. I wanted to say something. I just didn’t know what. I didn’t want to lie to her, and a lot of this was too much for me. At the same time, it was worth the discomfort of being pushed to my limits to be with her. When it came right down to it, if I was told I could be with Mayra, but it would cost me a high-level panic attack a day, I would agree without hesitation. The problem was, I had no idea how to tell her that.
Taking a deep breath, I forced my arms from their locked position at my sides and wrapped them around Mayra’s waist, pulling her body close to mine. I tucked my head against her shoulder and pressed my lips to the skin at the top of her collar.
I couldn’t say what I wanted to say, so I tried to show her instead.
I felt like I could have just fallen asleep sitting there on the edge of the hospital bed with Mayra’s hands in my hair and my nose tucked into the crook of her neck. She smelled good, and she was soft and comfortable and warm. I almost felt like nothing had happened at all and that we had just spent the evening sitting on the loveseat in my family room, watching TV.
“Don’t do that to me again,” Mayra whispered against the top of my head, which broke the façade that all had been just fine. “I mean it. Whatever is going on in your head, we’ll deal with it together, okay? Don’t run off on me again.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered back. “I just…couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop the car.”
“I’m getting you a damn cell phone,” Mayra growled. “At least then I could have found you.”
Before I could argue, the sound of someone clearing his throat interrupted us. I didn’t have to look up to know it was her father standing at the opening in the curtain and looking in on me touching his daughter after he had to haul me out of my car in the middle of the night.
My composure had to have been the result of Mayra being there, totally calm about the whole thing, because I managed to not freeze up too much. Either it was her, or maybe I was just too wiped out from my earlier breakdown. I did tense up to the point where I couldn’t let go of her right away. My fingers dug into her sides a bit as I clutched her to me. Then I realized how much worse that was going to make this look, so I let go and leaned back. Mayra took a half step away from me, and I looked down at the tile floor.
“Hey, I just wanted to let you know the hospital bill isn’t an issue,” Mr. Trevino said. “Since I brought you in here, and it sounds like they’re going to release you in a few, there’s no charge, okay?”
“Um, okay. Thanks,” I managed to mumble. It might have even been loud enough for him to hear. I knew it wasn’t right—it wasn’t enough of a response—but I wasn’t sure what else I was supposed to say.
“No problem,” Mr. Trevino responded. For a long moment, he didn’t say anything else. I didn’t know what to say, and Mayra seemed content just running her fingers up and down the top of my thigh. She scratched lightly at the denim, which was extremely distracting. I couldn’t seem to focus on much else.
“Your aunt and uncle said they were going to retrieve your car,” Mr. Trevino said. “Mayra, I assume you’re going to be taking Matthew home when he’s released?”
“Yeah, I will,” Mayra replied.
“Don’t stay long,” he told her. “It’s late. I want you coming right home afterwards. I’ll wait up.”
“I will,” Mayra said without hesitation. I tried not to show my disappointment at the idea. I wanted to get the hell out of the hospital, but as long as I was here, Mayra was with me.
“What time is it?” I asked. Visions of Megan and how she could tell you what time it was in any city at any given moment came into my head.
“Almost four a.m.,” Mayra told me.
I looked up at her, and the shock must have been easily read in my eyes.
“Yes,” she said, “that long. You see why I was so worried?”