My eyes fluttered open, and my tongue darted out over my lips. It was a little difficult to catch my breath.
“You want that to ever be reality?” my aunt asked, her tone still soft.
“Yes,” I whispered back.
“Then you have to start by asking her out.” Beth shifted in the seat, and I sat up next to her. “You have to take the first step, or you are going to be stuck where you are now with no chance of progress. This is just like when you moved from junior high to high school. Remember how much you didn’t want to go? But you couldn’t stay in eighth grade forever, could you?”
“No.”
“And you can’t just sit here day after day watching television with Mayra if you ever want a chance at something more.”
“I’m scared,” I admitted.
“I know you are, sweetie,” Bethany said with a gentle nod. “And you know what the awesome thing is? Everyone is scared about this. It’s not just you.”
I peeked at her sideways before I started rubbing at my thumbnails and twisting my fingers around. As I contemplated, Beth sat quietly and waited. She was right, and I knew it. I did want the chance at something else—something I never really considered with any girl, let alone someone like Mayra. If I had to take the next step and ask her out in order to have that possibility, I was going to do it.
I couldn’t bear the thought of stagnation, so I agreed to practice asking Mayra out on a date.
A half hour later, I lost it.
“This just isn’t going to work!” I yelled and stomped out of the family room. I turned abruptly and headed down the stairs to the basement. The heavy bag took the brunt of my anger, frustration, and disappointment in myself.
By the time I was done, my muscles were sore, and I was still a mess. The exertion had exhausted me but didn’t do much for my state of mind. On a plate for me, Bethany had a cupcake, which I ate in silence when I came back upstairs,.
“You want to try again?” she asked as I polished off a second one.
“No.”
“You know that isn’t going to fly with me.”
“If I can’t even ask you, how am I supposed to ask Mayra?” I mumbled. “Besides, there is absolutely no way she is going to say yes.”
“Why the hell not?”
“Seriously, Beth? I mean, I know you weren’t here earlier, but it’s not like you haven’t seen it before. Why would anyone agree to go out with me after watching me freak out? I’m a fucking mess!”
I pushed myself out of the chair and stalked off with no particular destination in mind. I ended up standing in the middle of the living room and staring out the window at the trees in the woods. The squirrels were back.
I hadn’t meant to blow up at Bethany. I knew she was trying to help, and I knew she just wanted what was best for me, but even she had to realize there wasn’t any hope. I was about as lost as a lost cause could get.
“Matthew, stop it.”
“Stop what?” I snapped.
“Stop beating yourself up,” she said. “I thought you had taken all that out on the punching bag.”
“Well, for as big of an idiot as I am, the bag isn’t nearly enough.”
“Matthew…”—my aunt sighed and flopped down on the couch—“you are far from being an idiot. As a matter of fact, very far from it. You also have a lot to offer a girl.”
I snorted.
“Yeah—instability and insanity. What a catch I am.”
Set sarcasm to kill.
“That’s enough!” Beth yelled loud enough to make me jump a little. I glanced over to her, and her face was bright red. “You are not unstable or insane, dammit! You have a mild form of an extremely common disorder that a lot of people live with day in and day out. You are smart, dedicated, sweet, and hot as hell! I can’t believe there aren’t dozens of girls asking you out!”