“You still haven’t actually answered my question,” Aerin says, grinning up at me. “Are you avoiding it?”
“Yeah, kind of.” I smirk. “Really, those two are the only ones to talk about.”
“But you said you never did with the first one.”
“I didn’t.”
“Wait a minute.” Aerin sits up and turns to face me. “Are you saying that’s it? Do you mean you never…I mean, before now…?”
I glance away, suddenly embarrassed. I wasn’t expecting this sort of conversation, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to say to her. How do I even explain such a thing?
“That was your first time?”
I nod quickly, unable to speak.
“How old are you?”
“Twenty-seven.”
“I thought so,” Aerin says. “That’s the same as me. All this time, all these women in the valley, and you never…?”
Blood rises to my face, and I clench my teeth as I try to keep calm. I was positively exalted a few minutes ago, and now I just want to run out of the room and hide in the darkness of the endless Rock Mountain corridors. I shove the blanket aside, withdraw my arm from around her shoulders, and jump out of the bed.
“What was I supposed to do?” I ask, facing her. “Just randomly fuck women I came across because they felt obligated to me? Use them for sex because I can find things that they need? What kind of asshole does that?”
“Shit, Talen.” Aerin scoots over to the side of the bed and puts her feet on the floor. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it to sound like that. I’m just surprised.”
“I couldn’t be with any of them,” I say, slightly calmer. “It didn’t matter if I found them attractive or whatever. I’d be taking advantage of them the same way my father took advantage of everyone he ever came across to further his political career. I was not going to act like him. I will not.”
“Please come back.” She pats the bed beside her. “I’m sorry—really. I didn’t understand, but I do now.”
I huff a breath and slowly sit down next to her. She wraps an arm around my waist and leans against me.
“I’m sorry,” she says again.
“It’s all right,” I reply with a sigh. “I didn’t mean to overreact.”
“You didn’t overreact,” Aerin says as she places her hand on my cheek. She kisses me softly. “It didn’t occur to me what kind of position you’re in with the Naughts, and you’re right, they probably do look up to you, and that puts you in an awkward position.”
“Awkward, yeah.” I chuckle.
“That does explain why no one has ever told you before how good you are.”
“I still feel bad,” I tell her, “even now. I feel like I should have told you my whole life story first.”
“Why?”
“Well, it’s not like I’m a saint.”
“I don’t expect you to be.”
“But maybe there’s something in my past—something I’ve done—and if you knew about it, you wouldn’t want to be with me. Maybe you’d run screaming for the nearest exit out of this mountain.”
“I’m sure your life story can wait a while. I don’t need to know everything about you to know that I want this.” Aerin takes my face with both hands and kisses me hard.
I give into it, relaxing against her body as we slowly fall back to the sheets. I don’t like the idea of keeping her in the dark about the things I have done, and at some point, I will have to tell her, but that will have to wait. As our lips and bodies meld together, I don’t want to think about my sins.
For now, I’m going to stay in the moment, in this bed, with her.