I wanted to work with the sort of energy and enthusiasm that should’ve been there on my first day, but instead I was inescapably tired. Whatever virus I had was zapping my energy.
The day went on without incident. I managed to sign everything and find my new desk. It was the same as the desk I had used for my internship, just next to a window. That was the only difference I could find. Other than that, everything felt the same.
There was the same nervous energy, the same constant threat that I needed to perform my best, and the same look of disapproval from other staff when I yawned. Other than the fact that I my paycheck was going to be much bigger, my life was the same it had been two weeks ago.
Well, without Jacob, I amended to myself. And for the first time that day,
I was glad I was going to be so busy. I didn't want to think about him. I didn't want to think about the fact that I was here because he was a total dick.
I looked around. The view from my window was just of another building, but it was better than nothing. I could make a future here. I hoped.
I opened up my email and found a mountain of work already awaiting me. My internship was over and the workload was just as intense. It loomed over me now, since there was no end-date. I buckled down. I didn't really have a life outside of this now anyway.
The day flew by. I worked and kept my head down, eating a light lunch that I managed to keep down, but by dinner I was done. It was even more work than when I was an intern. I was exhausted and needed to go home. I stood up and stretched, gathered my things, and left.
All my co-workers watched as I left. Even though it was well after six, I was the first one out of the office.
So much for making a good first day, I thought, barely keeping down a yawn. I managed to find my car and start driving home, only to hit the end of rush-hour traffic. At least it was mindless to sit in traffic.
I looked around, watching people singing in their cars or talking on the phone. For a moment, I wished I had someone to talk to. But I stuffed that ache down fast. If I wanted to talk to someone, I could talk to Caroline. Or my mom. I didn't need to talk to him.
The car crept forward. There was a giant billboard advertisement for baby wipes, with a beautiful newborn gazing directly into my soul and telling me to buy those specific wipes.
The baby's eyes were blue. Like Jacob's.
I couldn't stop the tears from starting. It had been a rough day and now I was thinking about how I would never have children with Jacob. Three days ago, I had been sure that we were meant to be together forever and that our future was rosy and bright. I had already imagined marrying him and having babies just like the one on that sign.
Only, it wasn't going to happen. It never was, to be honest, but now I knew it.
I was crying so hard, I could barely see straight. I wasn't fit to drive, so I took the next exit and pulled into the parking lot of a grocery store and proceeded to bawl my eyes out for the next fifteen minutes.
The sun had set by the time I finally pulled myself together. I didn't really feel any better, but now I was empty. I didn't have any more energy to cry. I was hollow.
My stomach rumbled and for the first time all day, I felt hungry. Orange juice again sounded like nectar of the gods, and luckily I was parked in front of a grocery store.
I wiped my face, grimacing in the rear-view mirror as I tried to look socially acceptable. I hoped people wouldn't look too closely, because I was a mess. My wet-dried hair was all over the place, my suit was wrinkled and I had spilled something on it, and now my face was splotchy and I no longer had any eye makeup on.
I looked like I had just been dumped, so at least I matched how I felt.
The neon lights of the store hummed as I picked up a basket and avoided any social contact. I ran from the nice woman in a red shirt who was putting canned goods away, not wanting to even make eye-contact with another human being.
Slowly, I walked the aisles, picking out things that sounded good. Orange juice, pickles, ice cream, and salt-n-vinegar chips all went in my basket.
“What, are you pregnant?” I asked myself as I tossed in a bag of gummy bears that suddenly looked delicious. I meant it as a joke, but it made me freeze.
Ice cream and pickles?
I couldn't remember what day it was. I nearly dropped my basket of food as I scrambled for my phone, desperate to check the date.
I was late. Way late.
“No way,” I said out loud. “There’s no way.”
Subconsciously my hands gravitated to my stomach and I dropped them as soon as I realized.
No. I’m on birth control, I thought. It was the same reason I hadn’t been concerned over a missed period, with them coming every three months it’d be another three or four weeks before I was even due. Birth control, I repeated to myself, now hearing my own voice in my head. It’s never failed before. All four years of college it never failed.
I swallowed hard, trying to fight off panic. I couldn't remember the last time I'd taken my birth control, which shouldn't have been a problem since I wasn't having sex during my internship. Except, I couldn't remember the last time I'd taken it from before my internship.