My mind was barely on my email as I scrolled through it. I was thinking of Jacob and what our life could look like together. It was still early in our relationship, but I knew deep in my bones that we were a good match. We could be the real deal.
I decided I should look for some remote-site work. There had to be plenty of jobs I could do on my computer from home until I found something. And working from home would mean I could work from Jacob's home, too. I rather liked the idea of never having to leave his apartment.
I liked the way the future was shaping up. If I found some computer work, I could move out of my parents' house and into one of the apartments on the west side of town. They wouldn't be as nice as Jacob's, but it would be my own. The future was bright.
I opened up a new window and started searching, finding several opportunities that sounded like they would at least open up some doors. For the first time in weeks, I was actually enjoying sending out resumes. I was looking forward to a new career and seeing where things with Jacob went. The world looked bright and promising, and I couldn't wait for it to all happen.
A message beeped that I had new mail. It only took a moment to switch windows to see what it was.
I opened my email account and froze. Sitting at the top of my inbox was the email I had been waiting for.
ZephTech.
I sat forward, my shoulders tense. My fingers melted into my computer mouse and refused to move. Had I not been sitting, my legs would have crumbled under the anxiety in my stomach.
My future plans wavered. This could change everything.
After a deep breath and a concerted effort to collect myself, I opened the email.
Chapter 11
In that moment, there were so many things that I never would’ve anticipated. For one, I’d always imagined waiting restlessly by the computer continuously clicking to refresh my email until the message came. I didn’t expect the news to come like a wrench abruptly thrown into a spinning fan.
Either that, or I’d envisioned waking up to the email, something like a kid waking to find that the tooth fairy had visited her pillow the night before. I’d made it out to be a fairytale where promptly after receiving the news I’d run and shout it to whoever would listen.
I’d certainly never imagined feeling regret. Never regret. Excitement, wonder, exultation, amazement- never regret. I never imagined there would be anything to make me think twice about the decision.
But then, I'd never imagined finding someone like Jacob and knowing I would need to leave him behind to pursue my dreams.
The email was still up and staring back at me, the words, ‘Congratulations’ in big block letters colored bright neon green—ZephTech’s signature color—at the top of the page.
I guess I’d expected the email to look a little different too.
I stood up on shaky legs and then sank into my bed, my face falling into my pillows and my arm down onto Athena. The pillows were firm and suffocating until I finally turned my head to the side, looking for air. I took several deep breaths while running my hand through Athena’s fur, up and down her back. She was the only thing anchoring me in the real world.
The rest of my mind was gone, detached from my body and drifting in a warp of anxiety. Even my desk chair hadn’t felt like enough to keep me from falling through the floor, like the ground itself was collapsing around me.
I felt so many things. Too many to process.
My stomach was empty, but my chest was inflated. Paralyzing anxiety and thrilling excitement were dueling it out in each of my limbs, each feeling winning for moments at a time before changing over completely.
It was nothing like what I thought I’d feel like.
I remained buried in my bed for several minutes—maybe five, maybe twenty—before rolling over and onto my back, but even then I laid still for a while longer. I looked at nothing but a singular spot on my ceiling, seeing nothing and seeing everything all at once; my future, my father’s excited face, everything it’s taken to get where I was, the countless resumes, Jacob.
He hates Silicon Valley, I thought. He won't come visit me there.
From across the room I could still see the email up on my computer. My eyes ran down the page again, scanning words in groups instead of individually.
“CONGRATULATIONS. We’re pleased to inform you that you’ve been accepted as an Intern to ZephTech Co. Based on your academic history as well as your learned skills and inherent qualities, we believe you’d be a good fit and would like to extend an offer to join our team.”
Embedded in the message was a phone number and instructions to call and follow up with the offer within forty-eight hours.
Forty-eight hours, I thought. I’d waited years for this opportunity and now that I was down to just forty-eight hours, my only wish was that the clock would stop moving.
Why do I even need forty-eight hours? I thought. Forty-eight hours for what? To make a decision? What decision is there left to make? This is my dream.
But doubt lingered.