“I didn't know how to tell you-”
“You fucking tell me,” he cut me off. He glanced around to make sure non
e of the other passengers were listening, but everyone was fully engrossed in their headphones and electronic devices. “You should have just told me.”
“You say that now, but you weren't exactly in a listening mood earlier.” I glared at him. “I never know how you're going to react and I really had no idea how you were going to react to this.”
“Allie, you should have told me.” He sounded so sure of himself that for a moment I almost believed him.
“Right. Okay,” I nodded and then crossed my arms and looked at him. “How would you have reacted if you had seen that picture on my phone?”
“Better than this,” he snapped.
I rolled my eyes and pantomimed looking at my phone. “Just scrolling through my pictures- oh, hey- there's Tessa making a duck face, a picture of you onstage, and oh... what's this?” I lowered my voice and glanced around making sure no one was listening. “A positive pregnancy test after you just finished fucking me without a condom. Yeah, that's going to end well.”
James' mouth tightened. “I fail to see where this is my fault, Allie. You're not being really fair right now.”
“You're absolutely right, it's not fair,” I said, exasperated. “But, that's where I was. You wanted to look at my phone, and I wasn't ready for you to see that. I wanted to tell you the right way, and I know that this isn't it, but neither was that.”
James let out a slow sigh and ran his fingers through his hair. I could tell it wasn't the first time today he'd made the gesture.
“It is yours, though. In case you were wondering,” I offered. “I haven't been with anyone else.”
“Good,” was all he said.
I thought of how I had imagined telling him. Something cute. Something when the two of us were alone and I could make it special. He'd gasp and take me in his arms, telling me how happy he was. How he'd always wanted this. We'd kiss and then go make sweet love and celebrate the life growing inside of me.
This was about as far from that dream reaction as I could get.
“What happens now?” I asked. Fear surged through my lungs and danced along my ribs. This was it. This was the do-or-die moment. Would he live up to my expectations or would he turn me away? My stomach churned and I looked for the little paper bag in the seat-back in front of me just in case I had to throw up. There wasn't anything in my stomach since I hadn't really eaten the artichoke dip, but I didn't want to risk it.
James ran his hand through his hair again and then rubbed the bridge of his nose like he was getting a headache. “I don't know, Allie.”
I stared at the paper bag, willing myself not to use it. Just because he didn't know, didn't mean that he didn't want me. Didn't want us.
“This wasn't in the plan,” James said after a moment. He stared straight ahead. “I'm working ninety hours a week. I travel constantly and I can't even keep a houseplant alive without someone else coming to water it.” He closed his eyes. “I'm still struggling with the idea.”
I tentatively held onto a thread of hope. He hadn't said he didn't want the child. He hadn't said that it wasn't possible. Just that it wasn't in the plan.
“I'm keeping it,” I told him, surprised at my own defensiveness. “I'm not going to terminate or give it up for adoption. This child is mine.”
His eyes went a little wide. “I would never-” He seemed to cut himself off to calm himself down. I knew what he was going to say and it made me smile.
“I know you'd never ask me to give it up. I just wanted to let you know what I was thinking,” I said softly.
“How did this happen, Allie?” James asked, ignoring my statement. His voice was low and dangerous. “Did you forget to take your pills? How could you let me... I could have worn a condom.”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek for a moment. I could lie. Tell him it was an accident. Birth control pills were only 99% effective, it was plausible that we fell in the 1%. But I didn't want to lie to him. I didn't want this child's life to be based on a lie, any more than it already was.
“I wasn't on anything,” I said. My voice trembled slightly.
James gripped the arm rest of the chair until his fingers went white. “What?”
“I wasn't on anything,” I repeated, my heart sinking into my stomach. He was going to hate me. “I've wanted you for so long... and it was just too hot to stop.”
“Too hot to stop?” James raised his eyebrows. “You're smarter than that.”
“Yeah, well.” I blushed. Time to lay all my cards out on the table. “I kind of wanted this.”