I had burned the bridge between the two of us. I could cry at the ashes all I wanted, but I was the one that lit the match. As much as I wished this conversation and him moving his headquarters meant something, I knew he wasn’t mine and never would be.
Chapter 23
Two days later I woke before dawn. It was my day off, so I didn’t need to be awake, yet I couldn’t go back to sleep. I itched to get up and move. My brain was too full and my heart too tender to sit in bed and think.
I put on my favorite black exercise pants and a soft sweatshirt. Outside, the dark air frosted with every breath and ice hung on the tree branches and buildings as I walked to Central Park. It was quiet in the early gray morning. There were only a few runners pounding the pavement, but they kept to themselves, huffing and puffing like dragons in the gray light.
It was as close to being alone in the city as I could get.
A layer of snow glistened and glimmered on the grass. No one had disturbed it yet, so it was still perfect and white. For a moment, I could imagine that there were no other people in the entire world. It was just me and the cold.
I wished the cold could freeze my hope. I wished that it could freeze the ache inside of me every time I thought about him. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and how much I cared for him. It was terrible torture to know he was in the same city and yet not knowing how to tell him what was in my heart.
The icy ground crackled under my feet with every step. The sky glowed red with the upcoming day, but the sun hadn’t yet risen. I took a deep breath, feeling the cold enter me. I held the freezing air inside of me, focusing on it until it warmed.
That’s when I saw him.
Mr. Darcy walked along the path. He wore a long, black pea coat that made him look like a hero from the past. It suited him. He walked like he was trying to clear his mind just like I was. Long, steady steps but with no clear destination.
He looked up and saw me. He paused and his breath frosted the air. My heart sped up as he kept walking toward me instead of turning away.
“What are you doing out here?” he asked me, looking at the frozen landscape and my light jacket. “You must be freezing.”
“I couldn’t sleep,” I told him. I wondered if he could hear the thrill in my voice at finding him this morning.
“Nor I,” he replied. His lips thinned. “Did my COO speak to you?”
I gave a slow nod. “Yes, she did.” I wasn’t quite sure how much more detail I wanted to go into. Just thinking of her telling me to stay away from him made my blood boil.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized. “She shouldn’t have done that. I’ve spoken to her about it and sent her back to London. What can I do to fix it?”
“Fix it?” I repeated. I shook my head. “After what you did for Lydia, and for Jane, I should be thanking you and seeing if you need anything fixed.”
I smiled up at him and was caught in those blue eyes. They held me and warmed me just by looking at me.
“You must know,” he said softly. “You must know it was for you. It was always for you.”
He smiled so sadly that I was afraid my heart might break.
I reached out and took his hand. He had no gloves, and his fingers were like ice.
“Did you mean what you said to Catherine?” he asked, his face cautious and words quiet.
“Yes,” I replied. I wrapped my fingers around him, sending him my warmth. “I meant every word to her.”
“So I can see you whenever I want?” he asked. I looked up at his face and smiled.
“Yes.”
“And that you care for me?”
My chest tightened and threatened to explode. If I were to run and protect myself from heartache, this was where I should do it. But that was the last thing I wanted to do.
“Very much,” I whispered.
He held his hands perfectly still in mine. All I could think about was how good it felt to touch him. To have this connection with him. I looked up, seeing hope and a small amount of fear cross his face.
“My feelings for you haven’t changed. If you tell me to, I will leave you alone forever,” he told me, his voice low. He swallowed hard and looked me in the eye. “But, if your feelings have changed, I have to tell you that I’m yours. Body and soul.”