“Oh, no, Jane!” I shook my head hard. “Just the opposite.”
Jane chewed on her cheek for a moment before going to her room and grabbing her gym bag with her yoga gear.
“I want you to promise you’ll tell me when I get back,” Jane said.
“I will,” I replied, making an X across my chest as promise. Jane still looked torn about leaving me alone.
“Oh, good. You guys are home,” Lydia announced, coming into the living room. “Hey, Lizzie, can I borrow a couple of hundred dollars?”
“What?” I felt like I was living in crazy town today.
“It’s not a good time to ask, Lydia,” Jane cautioned.
“Why in the world do you need money?” I asked Lydia.
“Wickham found out about this party where a bunch of famous photographers will be at,” she explained. “I said I could cover the cost of admission.”
“Lydia!” I rubbed my temples. This was the last thing I wanted to deal with right now. “What did you tell him? You don’t have any money!”
“I told him I had some inheritance money,” Lydia replied with a shrug. “Listen, it’s not a big deal. This was just an opportunity I thought I should take.”
“I don’t care about the photo thing.” I took a deep breath. “I care about you lying to Wickham that you have money!”
Lydia rolled her eyes. “It doesn’t matter. Just go with it. I’ll get more parts if I say I can afford not to get them. Understand?”
“No, no I don’t understand.” My head was ready to explode.
“You know what, I’ll lend you the money.” Jane went and put her arm around Lydia, saving her from me. “Lizzie’s having a rough day, so just tell me about this amazing opportunity you found on the way to the gym.”
“Okay, Jane.” Lydia grinned at her.
“Grab your stuff, and we’ll head out,” Jane told her. “And remember an umbrella. It’s starting to rain.”
I watched as Lydia grabbed her gym bag by the front door and the proceeded to take my umbrella. I didn’t have the energy to yell at her. I knew if I did, I would just end up exploding at my sister. I didn’t want to take my frustration out on her. She didn’t deserve the level of rage I was currently holding back.
“So, this is the real deal,” Lydia told Jane as they went out into the hallway. “I’m so excited.”
Their voices disappeared as I shut the door behind them. I pressed my forehead against the wood of the door, feeling the cool grain against my skin. Everything felt hot.
The world was spinning too fast for me to hold onto. I prided myself on being able to think on my feet. It was a critical skill for me to have as a nurse, but right now I couldn’t do it. Mr. Darcy had me dizzy and off balance.
I knew that if he walked in right now and kissed me, I’d melt. I’d fall into that kiss all over again. My sanity and all decision making abilities were gone when it came to him. I didn’t know why, but he had this effect on me that I couldn’t deny.
I hated him for it. I hated that I wasn’t in control of my emotions or libido when he was around. I hated that even after learning all the awful things he’d done, I still wanted to crawl into his bed and have his hands touch me again.
I stood in the middle of my living room, hating Mr. Darcy and hating myself. I wasn’t quite sure who I hated more at that particular moment.
I couldn’t stay here. All I wanted to do was hit things, and I knew that neither Jane nor Lydia would appreciate me breaking up the house. So, I grabbed my raincoat since Lydia had my umbrella, and headed out to walk. I would walk to the park and burn off the angry energy so I could think. It sounded like a good plan in my head.
Outside the rain came down in sheets. Cold, wet, and gray were the only adjectives to describe the world, and I was okay with that. It matched my mood: miserable. I knew the rain would probably turn to snow sometime tonight. Maybe a fresh coat of white would make the world look bright again.
I let myself wander the city instead of going to the park. The park had too much beauty, and I wanted the raw gray buildings. I looked inside the various glass windows to see happy people drinking and eating. I watched as they smiled as they made their purchases and I let myself envy them.
They didn’t have to deal with Mr. Darcy.
I walked along the barren sidewalks, enjoying the emptiness of the city. The usual crowds were tucked safely inside as I stomped my way through the rain. No one bothered me because there was no one outside to bother.
Until I heard my name.