“Very funny.” Char shoved past him and ran through the door. Grandma was already busy positioning her chair in the middle of the hall.
Something barked.
Jake winced. The bark got louder; he looked down. Holy shit, Grandma had bought an Ewok.
“What’s that?” He pointed to the offending animal and prayed he was hallucinating. The thing was way too small and annoying to be a guard dog.
“He’s my protector.” Grandma reached down for the puppy. “Aren’t you Charles Barkley? Aren’t you?”
“You named him after a basketball player? I didn’t even know you watched basketball.”
Grandma shrugged. “There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me. And I find that man… fascinating. He’s so large and commanding, if you get my meaning.”
Jake purposefully chose not to get her meaning lest he have nightmares for the rest of his existence. “Grandma, please don’t ever say that out loud again.”
“What?” She shrugged. “It’s the truth. Besides, I figured my rape whistle wasn’t enough to protect me from intruders. But little Charles does such a great job. Well, I sleep like the dead!”
“You live with mom and dad.” Jake pointed out.
“On the first floor.” Grandma sounded exasperated. “By the time I grab my whistle they’ll already be in the bedroom! And once they’re in the bedroom, it’s lights out for Grandma.” Yeah, Jake wasn’t so sure Grandma would take anything lying down, the intruder would probably be the one leaving traumatized.
Char watched the exchange with amusement. “So, Grandma, is that who the shock collar’s for?”
“Ah.” Jake nodded. “Now it makes sense.”
“What does?” Grandma set the dog in her chair.
“The shock collar. It’s for Charles?”
“No.” Grandma petted the dog. “That’s a good boy, that’s a good boy! Charles…” she turned to Jake. “Is trained.”
The dog barked again.
“He’s the perfect dog, listens to my every word.”
The barking continued.
“Why he even knows French!”
The dog barked in agreement.
“How do you figure?” Jake glared at the dog as it bared its teeth at him.
Grandma flicked her hand in the air. “He was born in France, oui, oui!”
The dog actually stopped barking and sat.
“The shock collar was to scare Travis shitless.”
“Thanks, Grandma!” Travis called from one of the bedrooms.
“I love you, Trav!” Grandma yelled back breaking the sound barrier with her voice.
“Right.” Jake backed up slowly. “Well, Char and I are just going to go eat something. We’ll be back, how do we, uh, get past the guard dog?”
“Jake.” Grandma shook her head. “I’m disappointed, you of all people should know how to get past a dog. After all, you used to be one.”
“Point, Grandma,” Char said behind him.