Fuck. If only she had just told me once she’d found out about the baby, I would have handled things so differently.
I put my head down in my hands and felt the tears coming again. This was entirely my fault. Just like Ellie had said, I’d left them both to run to some nutcase whose only goal was to tear me away from the only person I’d ever love.
Our baby is gone. I never even got to place my hand on her stomach to talk to the baby. I never had one second to just enjoy the idea of being a parent with Ari.
God, I can’t imagine how scared she must have been this last week. I knew something was different about her. I haven’t even gotten a chance to just hold her. I just wanted to comfort her.
I stood up and pulled out my cell phone. It was about to die, there was no way I was going to my truck to get the charger. With my luck, Ari would wake up and find me gone.
The nurse had come in earlier and said that Ari would be able to leave tomorrow morning. I walked over to the side of her bed. She’d managed to roll over on her side even though I knew she was in pain from her ribs. I had to smile when she kept cussing out the doctor, insisting her ribs had to be broken because she was in so much pain.
I love this girl so damn much.
I needed to hold her. I crawled onto the bed and tried to very gently lie down next to her. I didn’t want to touch her for fear of waking her up or, worse yet, hurting her.
“It’s about fucking time you got in bed with me. ”
I smiled and then let out a laugh. There’s my girl.
“I want to hold you, Ari, but I’m
afraid I’ll hurt you, baby. ”
“Please, Jeff. Please just hold me. I need to feel you. ”
That was all I needed. Moving closer to her, I gently put my arm around her. I felt her relax instantly.
I was just about to fall asleep when she started to talk to me.
“I’m so scared, Jeff. ”
“Why are you scared, baby?”
“What if I can’t have kids?”
“What? Ari, why would you even think that? Women have miscarriages and then have other kids all the time. ”
“Do you think I’ll be a good mother? I mean, like my mom? If we do have a child with Fragile X, can I. ”
I leaned over and kissed the back of her head. I wanted nothing more than to just take her away from all of this. If only I could turn the hands of the clock back to this morning, I would have never walked away from her.
“Ari, I have no doubt in my mind, baby, that you’re going to be a wonderful mother. I see you with Matt. I see the love and patience you have with him. I’m in awe when I watch you. I love you, Ari, and I’m so sorry I did this to you. ”
She didn’t say anything for a few minutes, and I could tell she was crying.
Then, for the hundredth time tonight, the guilt hit me like a brick wall. All I wanted to do was call Rebecca and tell her how much I hated her. What good would that do though?
“Jeff?”
I cleared my throat and attempted to talk.
“Yeah, baby?”
“I really started to love the idea of having our baby. I feel like I took that away from you. Just because we lost her doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have been able to feel the same joy I felt. But now…now, I just feel like a huge part of me is missing, like I just lost the most precious gift ever, and I never even gave you the chance to feel it also. What type of person does that make me?”
My heart was hurting so bad in my chest that I couldn’t breathe. I had to get up. I started to sit up carefully, so I didn’t move the bed too much. I didn’t want to hurt Ari.
Ari slowly turned, trying to sit herself up.