I wanted to punch something. I was so angry at myself I wanted to punch my own face.
“You don’t think I can see that? It fucking killed me when she was screaming at me not to touch her. Knowing I’m the one who caused this.” My voice cracked. “Oh God, it’s tearing me up inside, Gunner. I’m no better than the fucker who hurt Ellie. And worst of all, I didn’t only hurt Ari; I hurt Ellie. Did you see how she was looking at me, Gun? I fucked up with Ellie big-time.”
He shook his head, and his eyes filled with sadness. “You fucked up with Ari big-time too. You know the girl likes you. What’s with this you-don’t-like-her bullshit?”
My head was spinning, and all I really wanted to do was go to sleep. Forget this whole fucking night ever happened.
“I don’t understand my feelings for Ari. She has me so fucking messed up all the goddamn time. It’s been like this for at least the last five years.”
Gunner gave me a shocked look.
I was never going to be able to repair this.
“Fuck!” I shouted.
A small knock at the door had me saying, “Come in.”
Ellie slowly opened the door. Her eyes traveled to the bed. It hadn’t been made, but it had nothing to do with Rebecca. By the look on Ellie’s face and the fact that she was covering her mouth, she didn’t know that.
Gunner instantly went to her. “Ellie, what’s wrong, sweetheart? Are you sick?”
She shook her head and slowly dropped her hands to her sides.
My own sister hated me. I had been trying to protect both her and Ari by keeping my feelings for Ari hidden, and all I did was manage to hurt them both. I didn’t even bother hiding the tears that fell from my eyes.
Ellie took a step back, and I started to stand.
“Don’t. Don’t, Jefferson. What you did tonight, it was . . . it was . . . I don’t even want to think about it anymore. I only wanted to let Gunner know that Ari is asleep in his room.” She looked at him. “Do you need anything out of there? I could get it for you.”
“Um, no, it’s okay. I’ll just wear a pair of Jeff’s shorts,” Gunner replied, glancing back at me.
Gunner and Ellie walked out of my room, and I heard hushed voices. When I heard the sound of Gunner’s door closing, my breath hitched in my throat. She wasn’t even saying good night to me.
I crawled into the bed, pulled the covers over my head, and prayed for Ari’s forgiveness.
The morning came too soon. I got up and told Gunner I was going for a run, when I really went to the gym and tried like hell to get Bubba to knock some fucking sense into me.
I walked through the front door, and Gunner’s eyes widened.
“What the fuck happened to you?”
With a half-hearted shrug, I replied, “I went a few rounds with Bubba up at the gym. I needed to work all the fucking alcohol out of my system.”
Getting a water, I sat on one of the barstools. “Are the girls up yet?” I asked as I drank my water.
Gunner shook his head. “Dude, I think you worked out too hard; you look like shit.”
I watched as he reached into the oven and took out some muffins.
“Fuck you. I’m not the one acting like Betty fucking Crocker.”
He let out a chuckle. “Seriously, Jeff. Are you feeling okay? You get enough sleep?”
I was far from okay. I hadn’t hardly slept a wink, especially knowing Ari was in the house.
“Yeah, I feel all right. I can’t believe I drank that much last night. I never drink like that.” The bottle of Advil caught my eye. The last time I had drunk so much, I ended up waking up in a fucking bed with Josh and a waitress.
I shivered at the memory.