I looked at Jeff as we both said, “No fucking way!”
Jeff dropped me and pulled up his pants. Then, he reached down and grabbed my pants, panties, and shoes before quickly taking my arm and walking me over to Big Roy’s stall. He opened it and pushed me inside.
“Get down!” he whispered as he zipped up his pants.
“What? I’m half-fucking-naked in a horse stall, and you want me to get down?”
Just then, we heard Garrett call out, “Ari? Jeff?”
Jeff turned back and pushed my head down before spinning around and walking away.
Big Roy walked up to me and kept trying to nudge me with his head.
I looked at Big Roy as I tried to get him to stop. “Stop it, boy. No! We aren’t going for a ride.” I rolled my eyes and hurried like hell to get my clothes back on.
Big Roy took a few steps back, and I was finally able to get my panties on. I heard Jeff talking to Garrett, but I couldn’t tell what they were saying.
How does this man always know when we’re having sex?
Just then, Big Roy pushed me hard on my back, making me fall forward…right into a pile of horse shit.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, that did not just happen to me!
I turned and looked at him. He was moving his head up and down.
“It’s true—y’all are nothing but big fucking dogs! You’re supposed to be on my side, you bastard—not standing there, laughing at me in your horse way,” I whispered.
Then, I heard them talking.
“Ellie was looking for you and Ari. They’re fixin’ to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to Alex, and Gunner told me to check the barn for you and Ari,” Garrett said.
I slowly got up and moved away from the giant pile of shit as I shook my head. Gunner! Oh…oh…your ass is mine. He must have seen Jeff and me heading down here.
“Awesome! Thanks, Garrett. Yeah, I, um…I’ve been looking for Ari. I’ll give her a few minutes, and if she doesn’t show up, I’ll head on up.”
Garrett said something else to Jeff that I couldn’t make out. I closed my eyes and began to plot my revenge on Gunner.
“What in the fuck?” Jeff said.
I looked up at him. I was itching everywhere, and I had horse shit all over my shirt. My warm and happy just-fucked feeling was gone, completely and utterly gone.
“Yep. I was trying to get dressed, and this little fucker here pushed me into his own shit! My warm and happy just-fucked feeling is gone!” I yelled out.
Big Roy started bouncing his head up and down again.
I jumped up and said, “Look! He’s laughing at me. I swear to you, he did it on purpose.”
Jeff looked toward Big Roy, then down at the shit, and then back up at me. He busted out laughing. I just stood there with my mouth hanging open, wearing a shit-covered shirt and red polka-dot panties, while my own husband laughed at me.
“You think it’s funny?” I asked.
He started to nod. I reached down and picked up my shoes. Jeff opened the stall door, still laughing his ass off.
“I’m sorry, baby, but I can’t let you near the kids with horse shit all over you!” Jeff said as he placed his hands on his knees and continued to laugh.
Uh-huh, I see how this is going to be. “Is that a fact? You think this is pretty funny, huh?”
“Holy shit, Ari! Oh man,” Jeff said as he wiped away the tears.