I cautiously reached for the bag and pulled it over to me and opened it.
“What the fuck?” I said as Melissa started clapping and laughed.
Frantically looking around, I pulled out the box and stared at it. “Why did you buy me a pregnancy test?”
The waiter walked up and gave us a big toothy grin.
“Ladies, good afternoon. Oh! Oh wow.” Pointing to the test, the waiter smiled. “So please tell me you’re going to do that here.”
Melissa and I both looked up at our waiter. “Here? As in right here?” I asked.
With a chuckle, he rolled his eyes and looked at Melissa like he thought I had said the stupidest thing ever. “No, I expect you to at least go into the restroom.”
A small laugh escaped my lips as I dropped the box onto the table. “No. I don’t need a pregnancy test because I’m not pregnant.”
Melissa and our waiter asked at the same time, “Are you sure?”
My eyes widened as I looked between the two of them. “Yes! I’m on the pill!” I said in a hushed voice.
Our waiter let out a huff and waved his hand in dismal. “Girl, that is not full proof. Unless your man shrouded his trout before he made you shout.”
“What?” I asked as Melissa started laughing and my mouth dropped open as I stared at the waiter. A man I had never seen before, who was now not only talking about me taking a pregnancy test, but condoms and sex.
“Oh my gawd! I have to keep you!” she said as they high fived each other. “Even when I’m eager, I protect my beaver.”
Closing my eyes, I shook my head. No. Just no.
“If you’re gonna get between her thighs, condomize.”
Melissa pointed to our waiter and said, “No glove, no love.”
His head went back in a roar of laughter as I sat there stunned.
“Are the two of you about finished?”
Melissa pressed her lips together as she whispered, “Sorry.”
The waiter turned and looked at me with a questioning look on his face.
“So?”
“So what?” I asked.
With a frustrated moan like I was wasting his precious time, he asked, “Did he cover the stump before he humped?”
Melissa lost it and laughed as I fought to keep my smile in.
I had no idea why I felt the need to say what I said next to a complete stranger. “If it’s any of your business, we stopped wrapping his pickle before each tickle a few months ago.”
Our waiter grinned from ear to ear. “I like you girls. Now let’s get your drinks, food order, and then we are taking one pregnancy test.”
Melissa began jumping in her seat as I jerked my head back and said, “No. No we are not.”
“Why not?” Melissa asked with a pout.
“Yeah, why not?” The waiter turned to Melissa and asked, “What are you drinking love?”
“I’ll take a Pepsi. Oh and I already know what I want. Ham and swiss on rye with a side of fruit.”