I laughed. “I’m sure that was probably my expression as well when I found out.”
He slowly shook his head. “Guess that explains the bender you went on.”
“Yeah, not one of my finer moments. Things didn’t really go that well when I confronted Merit about the baby. We exchanged words, and she left.”
“I take it you went after her?” he asked.
“Not right away, but long story short, we made up. A few times,” I said with a grin.
Brock rolled his eyes, then laughed.
“I admitted something to her earlier this morning,” I said. “Something I’ve kept inside for a really fucking long time.”
“Keep going,” Brock prompted.
I swallowed hard and looked at him. “I told her I loved her. That I’ve always loved her, I just never wanted to admit it before.”
Brock’s eyes went wide once more. His mouth opened, closed, then opened again. “You love her? You’ve always loved her? This from the guy who only weeks ago said you weren’t interested in a relationship with her? Dirk, are you sure your father’s death isn’t making you feel…lonely? Merit is familiar. Hell, she was your closest friend aside from me for all those years. The fact that she’s carrying your baby—”
“Has nothing to do with how I feel about her,” I cut him off. I could feel my anger starting to grow, and I knew it wasn’t Brock’s fault to question this. Hell, I fought him tooth and nail to win Kaci’s affections all those years ago, and now I was admitting to being in love with Merit. Even my head was spinning. “Listen, I know I love her. I also know I never wanted to admit it because of everything with Kaci. But this feeling I have for Merit…I don’t even know how to explain it, Brock. It’s so different. It’s always been different with her. On some level I knew I loved her, but I cherished our friendship more. So I pushed my feelings to the side, too damn afraid if I was truthful with her it would ruin our friendship, or worse yet, ruin me. Of course, we all know how that ended anyway.”
Brock thought for a moment while he rubbed the stubble on his chin. “Do you think that’s why you went after Kaci so hard?”
I shrugged. “Deep down, I knew Kaci would always pick you over me. I knew that, and maybe by throwing my attention at her, I thought I could forget how I felt about Merit. Then, when I fucked up and slept with her and lost her, I vowed I’d never open my heart up again. I’d lost both Kaci and Merit, but truth be told, the loss of Merit has always torn me up inside. I only realized how much I was hurt by her leaving when I heard she was back in town last year. All those feelings came flooding back.”
“So why push her away?” Brock asked.
Staring at the beer in my hand, I answered honestly. “I was afraid. That night, when I took her virginity, it was so different with Merit than it had been with any other girl, and I knew it would be because of how I felt for her deep down. Hell, I don’t even know why I uttered Kaci’s name, because all I could think about was Merit. How she made me feel. How scared I was by the way she made me feel.”
“Maybe that was why you said Kaci’s name. Subconsciously, you knew it would push Merit away, and you wouldn’t have to deal with how you were feeling. It’s easier to pine over a woman you can’t have, rather than deal with a woman who makes you feel things.”
Our eyes met, and I nodded. “Maybe so. I’ve slept with so many women over the years, and every single time I crawled out of a bed, I thought about that night. How Merit made me feel…and how none of the women I slept with ever came close to holding a candle to her.”
“What did she say when you told her how you felt?”
I let out a gruff laugh. “She stared at me for a few moments. I think she was trying to see if my head would explode, or if I’d turn and run. When that didn’t happen, she told me she loved me, too.”
Brock smiled. “I always knew she felt more than friendship for you, Dirk. It was obvious, the connection the two of you shared. I honestly never knew how you felt about her, though. I always assumed it was Kaci you wanted.”
“It was, but for all the wrong reasons, and I see that now. Or, at least, I can admit to it all now. I don’t want to mess this up with her, Brock.”
He leaned forward, rested his arms on his knees, and gave me a serious look. “You do hear yourself, right? Because not that long ago you professed in front of God and witnesses that you had no desire to settle down.”