“Merit, I’m coming…oh God, you feel so fucking good!”
He lifted up and pulled me down on top of him, moving fast and hard inside me as we both came at the same time.
I didn’t want to think about how I had let my guard down. The only thing I could feel was our mouths seared in a kiss so intense, it felt as if Dirk was pulling the very soul from my body and taking it for himself. And maybe he was. Because once again, I had given myself over to this man—but this time, I was the one in control. I knew what I wanted, and I took it.
When Dirk stopped moving, I tried to ignore how it felt to be against his body. To have him inside of me. Lord, it felt like heaven. My body was flying in a euphoria I had never experienced before. And before reality sank in, I wanted to enjoy it a moment longer. If I allowed myself to stay in his arms for too long foolish thinking would occur, and I could not allow my heart to have even the slightest hope that this was real. It was sex, that was all. I had wanted him, and for once I felt like I had the power.
His fingers moved lightly over my back as we both attempted to steady our breathing. His touch was causing my belly to flip and flop and my heart to beat out of control. My breathing might have been returning to normal, but my feelings for this man only grew more. And that was of my own damn doing.
Then, a moment of absolute clarity hit me.
We had just had unprotected sex, and I had no idea how many women this man had actually slept with. A rush of panic ran through my body.
“How many times have you done this?”
He paused for a moment. “I’m sorry?”
My voice was gripped by absolute fear. “We didn’t use a condom.”
His entire body froze.
“I’m…I’m on the pill,” I managed to say without my voice sounding as worried as I felt. It was okay. I was on the pill. I’m on the pill. Birth control is very effective. But what if…
No…I didn’t even want to think of that.
The tension drifted away from his body slightly. “Um…never. I mean, I’ve never had unprotected sex before, and I’m sorry I…I was caught up in the moment and I…”
I moved and climbed off of him, leaving him dazed and confused.
“Do you have a napkin or tissue I can wipe myself off with?” I asked as I went on autopilot. I needed to block out my feelings for Dirk. I needed to forget about how amazing he felt inside of me. How hearing him call out my name—my name—when he came was a dream come true.
Dirk reached into the backseat of his truck and grabbed a box of Kleenex. When he handed it to me, he cleared his throat. “We should talk.”
My eyes met his, and I focused myself to keep my expression, along with my voice, void of any emotion. With a shrug, I replied, “There’s nothing to talk about. I wanted a do-over and I got one.”
The moment the harsh words were out of my mouth I regretted them, but I could not let Dirk see how affected I was from what just happened.
I hadn’t planned on climbing on top of him or having sex. When he looked at me, and the moon cast such a beautiful light on his handsome face, I’d wanted to be with him. To know what it would feel like to have him inside of me again.
So yes, maybe I did want a do-over, but I’d just made it seem like I planned it. I was confused, happy, sad, angry, all of it mixed together in one giant heap of fucked-up messiness.
Even though it was dark out, the full moon was almost like a nightlight, illuminating Dirk’s face. He stared at me with a befuddled expression. “A do-over?”
I slipped my dress back on and let out a long, slow breath. “Yes. Needless to say, I’m glad you said the right name this time.”
The feel of Dirk’s eyes on me made my heart beat rapidly in my chest. “So, that was just a fuck for you?”
His words felt sharper than I thought they would. I prayed he wouldn’t hear the tremble in my voice as I turned to him and asked, “Wasn’t it for you?”
I saw the moment the intense hurt flashed across his face. But I also knew who Dirk Littlewood was now. A guy who most likely had women in and out of his bed like a revolving door at a hotel. There was no way I would allow myself to be hurt by him again. I’d had a moment of weakness. A moment where I’d wanted him more than I’d wanted my next breath, and I took him.