My ma said she could have packed my da’s belongings and kicked him out, but what good would that have done either of them if they gave up on their marriage without a fight. I argued that the fight was lost the second my da strayed, but once I saw how much my da regretted his actions, I realised my ma was right, and that we were all lucky she was so caring and wise.
Some things were meant to be forgotten, and others were meant to be fought for.
My ma didn’t react to a situation at the drop of a hat like I did; she took a step back and considered everything, and especially the outcome. I didn’t. I acted on whatever emotion I was feeling at the moment, and when I thought about that, it made me think about what happened with my friends.
Instantly, I put up a wall and shut them all out without giving them the chance to explain what Morgan had told me. I was angry and hurt. I still was, but now that I had time to sit back and think about everything, I realised I only had one side of five different stories.
I knew I had to go see the group and hear them out, but doing that was a lot harder than I thought it would be. My heart was hurt. I felt so insufficient and kept wondering if something was so untrustworthy about me that it made everyone lie to me. I had always thought I was a nice person, someone anyone, especially my friends and partner, could confide in, but I wasn’t.
Bronagh and Damien’s betrayal hurt the worst. Bronagh was my best friend, someone who I thought shared everything with me, as I did with her, but knowing she willingly kept what happened from me cut me deep. Damien’s betrayal hurt in an entirely different way. I loved him. I loved him more than I should for the time we were together, but I couldn’t change that.
What I feared happening from the very start had taken place. Damien and I had ended, and I was in more pain than I was the first time around because this time, love was shared, a deep connection was shared. I couldn’t sleep, I barely ate, and when I tried to work, all I did was sketch and paint Damien’s face. He was on my mind constantly … and so were the things he and my friends had done.
Murder.
They had murdered people. Took the lives of other human beings. No matter how long I sat and thought about it, no matter what way I looked at it, I could scarcely believe it to be the truth. The people I knew were loyal and fiercely protective, they were some of the best men I had ever known, and to learn of them committing such acts of horror completely blindsided me. If I hadn’t heard them admit to such deeds, I would have never truly believed Morgan.
Morgan, who had kept his word. He left my apartment and not returned. I received an email from him letting me know he was deleting his account but had transferred all my client emails to my inbox, as well as a detailed explanation on how to keep my system in order. I didn’t delete the message because I knew I would need it , so I didn’t fall back into my previous disorganised ways, but when I thought of Morgan, I felt so foolish. I couldn’t believe I’d let a stranger into my house, someone who could have truly hurt me, and was none the wiser. I told myself what came to be was never something I could have ever imagined but being tricked by him left a sour taste in my mouth.
The whole situation did.
“Alannah?”
I looked at my ma and blinked.
“I’m sorry.” I sighed. “I’m not with it at all today.”
She put her arms around me and gave me a hug.
“Isn’t it Jax’s birthday today?”
My shoulder’s slumped. “Yeah, he’s one.”
“Are you goin’ to drop by and see ’im?”
I shrugged. “I don’t want his day to be turned into a big argument, so I was goin’ to go up to Kane and Aideen’s apartment and leave his card and gift outside so they could give it to ’im for me.”
A lump formed in my throat knowing I was goin’ to miss his big day, but I kept myself in check. My parents said nothing, probably sensing my emotional mood on the subject. They quickly changed the subject back to something mundane, then two hours later, I found myself back in my apartment complex and walking up the stairs to Kane and Aideen’s apartment.
I had my large gift bag in my hand that had small toys, two outfits, some sweets, a portrait I drew of Jax from a recent picture I took of him and a handmade card. When I was outside the door, I could hear the kids inside, and I heard a lot of other voices as well which almost stopped my heart.