It didn’t hurt, and the first thing I thought of was that if someone hadn’t hit me then I was passing out because I had drunk alcohol for the first time. I figured my emotional roller coaster had pushed my body into stress-out mode, and as a result, my mind just switched off. I was glad of it. I was glad when I found myself facing darkness because, at the current moment, darkness was a more welcoming sight than the thought of Damien Slater. But I wasn’t granted that peace. Before I completely lost consciousness, the last thing I heard was his words.
It’s not that I can’t keep you, Lana; it’s that I don’t want to.
Damien didn’t want me, but what hurt the most was that I knew deep down, I’d always want him no matter what happened between us. I’d never let him or anyone else know it, though. Damien might have hurt me, but I would never give him the opportunity to do it again.
He said he didn’t want me, and for as long as I lived, I’d never forget it.
Present day ...
I awoke with a start.
I shot upright and placed a hand on my chest, feeling my heart slam into my ribcage as it pounded erratically. My breathing was laboured, and instead of waking from a dream, it sounded like I had just completed a marathon. I closed my eyes and tried desperately to calm myself to no avail.
I hated when tears suddenly welled in my eyes, and I couldn’t stop them from spilling over the brims and splashing onto my cheeks in big fat droplets. I sniffled as I carelessly wiped them away with the back of my hand. I raised my knees to my chest and hooked my arms around them, hugging them tightly.
Even in sleep, I was miserable.
Both my personal life and family life were falling apart around me, and it seemed everything I did to stop disaster from striking was only adding fuel to the fire and destroying everything I cared about faster. At the moment, my personal life was in tatters and took centre stage.
Almost every single night for the last few months, I’d relived the night I lost my virginity in detail. I hadn’t dreamt about that night in a long time, but the recent appearance of him back in my life seemed to bring it all tumbling back down on top of me like an avalanche of emotions I couldn’t escape.
I closed my eyes, and as usual, every thought switched to him.
Damien Slater.
I didn’t want to think about him, but it seemed I had no choice in the matter because my mind always drifted to him. To be so hung up on the boy who broke my heart in secondary school was pathetic, and I knew it was, but I couldn’t seem to get over it, no matter how hard I tried. I had accepted it, of course, but I could never get over the pain I felt when I thought about him and what happened between us.
I opened my eyes and scowled at myself, like always, when I realised how much of a gobshite I was. I had lost count of the times I wished to go back in time and slap myself silly for making the stupid decision that messed up everything. I closed my eyes once more, leaned back against my headboard, and clenched my teeth when Damien’s handsome face flashed across my mind.
The bastard was haunting me.
Half of the time, I didn’t know where to start when I thought of him. He was in my life for such a short amount of time, yet he had such a significant impact on it. My involvement with him shaped the woman I had become. As much as I hated to give him any credit, he was the reason I’d never let another person get intimately close to me. It was because of him that I built the walls high around my bruised heart.
I hadn’t always been so guarded, though. For a long time after he left me, left the poxy country, thoughts of him would consume me until I was sure all that remained was puddles of tears. That boy ... no, that man ... broke my heart, and I let him do it. Not only did I let him ruin me, but I also practically begged him to do so. My teenage infatuation with him went far beyond one’s first heartbreak because before we became intimate, I cared for him deeper than a new friend should have.
I saw the best in Damien even when he didn’t see it in himself.
Six years ago, I gave my heart and body to the new womaniser at school, and when he rebuffed my heart and only accepted my body, I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. I was devastated. I felt like I was cheated out of a magical first sexual experience because Damien became a completely different person after we had sex and didn’t remain the sweet boy who promised to keep me when I asked him to. The words he spoke were lies laced around fiery passion.