Except that.
“Say what?”
“That stuff,” he said, clearing his throat. “About keeping you.”
A feeling of sickness began to form in the pit of my stomach.
“Damien,” I whispered. “Can you not say that while you’re still inside me?”
He looked down at our still connected bodies and quickly pulled out of me. I winced, and he apologised. I was lying on the bed sheets, so I had nothing to cover myself except my hands. Damien disposed of the now used condom—a condom I didn’t even know he’d put on—and began to dress at a shocking speed. Beginning to panic, I felt like I should do the same, so I joined him in fixing my dress until we were dressed and looking as we did when we entered the room—just a little less put together.
“I don’t understand what is happenin’,” I said as I slid my feet back into my high heels, they screamed in protest. “Are you okay?”
“I shouldn’t have said that shit.”
Striking me would have hurt less.
I flinched. “Don’t say that.”
“I have to; otherwise, you’ll believe it.”
“So, what? I’m not to believe that you said you’d keep me?” I demanded. “That you promised to? What the hell did you say it for then?”
“Alannah, I would have agreed to anything at that point during sex,” he said, flatly. “I couldn’t help it. My mind and body were both focused on the sensation, and my voice took on a role of its own.”
I felt like I would throw up.
“You’re ruinin’ this!” I said, my lower lip wobbling. “You’re ruinin’ everythin’ about me first time. Why are you doin’ this to me?”
Damien’s face blanched. “I’m sorry, but I won’t lie to you.”
“What’s the lie?”
“When I promised to keep you.”
I felt my eyes well with tears.
“Damien,” I whispered.
“It’s not that I can’t keep you, Lana; it’s that I don’t want to.”
He couldn’t look me in the eyes as he spoke the words I knew I’d never forget. The force of it had me stumbling back a few steps as if he’d struck me. I probably had no right to feel betrayed, but I did, and it hurt more than I cared to admit.
“I’m goin’ to get c-cleaned up,” I stammered, trying to hold back the tears I wanted to shed.
“No.” Damien frowned. “Please, we have to talk about this. What I mean is—”
“I don’t think anythin’ you have to say will make me feel better.” I cut him off, trying my hardest to keep my emotions in check.
“Alannah—”
“It’s fine.”
“It’s fucking not,” he countered. “I knew this was a bad idea. Just look at how upset you are! This is why I’ve tried to stay away from you. You’re a good girl, and I knew you’d let your emotions take centre stage. This was a mistake!”
His words were the truth, and I think that was why they pained me so much.
“You were right. This was a mistake, but I’ve made it.” I swallowed. “And I’ll learn from it, too.”
Damien reached for me, but I moved farther away from him and headed towards the door I assumed led to a bathroom.
“I don’t want to speak to you anymore, Damien,” I said as I opened the door. “Just … Just go away. Please.”
I never wanted to speak to him again.
“Lana.”
“Alannah,” I said, my hold on the door handle tightening. “Me name is Alannah.”
I entered the bathroom, closed the door behind me, and locked it. Numbly, I relieved myself and cleaned up as best as I could with small pieces of tissue paper. The evidence of blood reconfirmed that Damien had just taken my virginity, and it brought a bitter taste to my mouth. Instead of leaving the bathroom, I leaned my back against the wall and slid down it until my behind hit the floor.
I wasn’t sure how long I sat there, but it was long enough for the tears that flowed from my eyes and splashed onto my cheeks to dry. Between my thighs felt strange—like a sweet tenderness I couldn’t shake. I thought I heard raised voices, and when I heard a knock on the door, I flinched.
“Lana?” I heard my name being softly spoken. “It’s me. Can I come in?”
Bronagh.
I stood, moved over to the door, unlocked it, and then sat on the closed lid of the toilet. Bronagh entered the bathroom and quickly closed and locked the door behind her. She kicked off her heels, bent down to her knees, and then reached forward and engulfed me in a tight hug. When I put my arms around her, I released a pain-laced sob.
At that moment, I was both hurt and mortified. I realised I had thrown myself at Damien like I had no shame, and now, shame was all that filled me. I couldn’t begin to form the words to tell Bronagh how forward I behaved for fear that she would judge me, so I kept my mouth shut.