“You’re in a relationship?”
He nodded. “Yeah, I am.”
“Okay,” I said slowly. “Who with? Do I know her?”
Kailen looked down at his intertwined hands. I wondered why he didn’t answer me, then it struck me that maybe I didn’t ask the right question. I asked if I knew the girl he was dating. I assumed he was in a relationship with a girl when I shouldn’t have.
“Or him?” I added. “Do I know him?”
My son jerked his eyes up to mine, and he looked so scared that I wanted to break down and cry myself.
“Kailen, are you gay?”
He shook his head rapidly from side to side.
“Hey, hey, you do not need to be scared,” I assured him. “Your sexuality will never change how much me and your mom love you, okay? You’re still Kailen, still my pain in ass son who I love more than life itself. You’re perfect the way you are.”
Kailen cried again and threw his body at me once more, and I blew out a breath, fighting off tears of my own because I knew I’d be no good to anyone if I broke down. I’d have to call in Alannah if that happened because once I cried, I was a goner.
“D’ye not think I’m straight?”
I looked down at Kailen whose face was still against my chest.
“I’ve never thought about it, to be honest,” I admitted.
My son was silent for a moment, then he said, “Well ... I’m not.”
“Not straight?” I questioned.
He nodded. Once.
“That’s—”
“I’m not gay either,” he interrupted.
He leaned back from me, wiping his face once more. He was shaking, so I reached for his hand and held it in my own. This conversation was huge for him, and he had obviously kept this bottled up inside for a long time, and it made me ill to think that he worried over telling me. That he was probably scared he would be rejected.
I tilted my head. “Are you bisexual or pansexual? Or gender queer? I’m afraid I’m wildly ignorant to what some of those mean, and I know there are a lot of other sexualities, but I will learn them all if—”
“Da,” Kailen cut me off, and he huffed a little laugh. “Ye’ don’t need to learn what they all mean.”
“But I want to,” I said. “If you identify as one, I want to know everything about it so I can connect with you better.”
Kailen squeezed my hand. “Ye’ already know every about me sexuality.”
“I do?”
He nodded. “I’m bi ... like Uncle Alec.”
“Right,” I said with a nod of my head. “You’re getting the same chat that Leland got. Don’t fuck around with a girl’s, or a boy’s, heart or me and you are gonna have problems. Understand?”
Kailen had a ghost of a smile on his face as he bobbed his head.
“Am I the first person you’ve told?” I asked.
He shook his head. “Uncle Alec knows. I told him a few months ago ago, and he has been encouraging me to tell ye’, but he said he would respect me decision to tell ye’ when I was ready.”
That was fair. I didn’t know what it was like to be anything other than straight, so it made sense for Kailen to confide in someone he could relate to.
“How long have you known you were bi?” I asked. “I honestly didn’t think you would be interested in girls, or boys, yet.”
His face flushed red. “Last year, I saw a girl who I thought was pretty, and I wanted to kiss her like you do with Ma ... then a few days later, I saw a cute lad and thought that same thing about him. I didn’t know right away, but when I started to like girls, I liked boys in the same way too.”
“I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t talk to me or your mom.”
“I wanted to,” Kailen said, “but I kept backin’ out of it.”
“Why?”
“I didn’t ... I just ... I was afraid ye’ would be different with me.”
Pain thrummed in my heart.
“Son,” I said, firmly. “I love you no matter who you’re attracted to. Your sexuality doesn’t even come into play. It never has, and it never will.”
“I knew that,” Kailen stated. “I did, but there was a fear in the back of me head that ye’ wouldn’t.”
“I hate that you’ve been thinking about and worrying about this for a long time.”
“It’s cool.” He one-shoulder shrugged.
“It’s not,” I pressed. “I don’t want you being afraid to be yourself especially around me or our family.”
Kailen cringed. “I don’t want the lads to treat me differently.”
“Your brothers?”
“And me cousins,” he added. “Georgie knows, but I don’t exactly know how because I never told ‘er. She just started talkin’ to me one day about who she fancied and said if I got with ‘im, she’d kick me arse.”
I snorted. “That girl is a clever one.”