When I was inside my bedroom, I closed the room my behind me and stood still for a minute or two. I reached up to my neck and touched my rosary beads, but for the first time in my life they didn’t make me feel better. I pulled them off of my neck, and wrapped them around my hand before hurling them across the room, ridding myself of them.
With tears streaming down my cheeks, I stared at the rope I stole from Dominic’s room weeks before. I knew he planned to hang a damn clown from my ceiling to get back at me for stealing a girl he wanted to fuck. Before I could think better of it, I picked it up and threw it over the wooden beams that zigzagged across the ceiling. I tied a knot with the ends and pulled on it as hard as I could. The wood creaked a tiny bit, but other than that, it was solid.
I knew it would support my weight without breaking.
I realised then what I was going to do, and before I could think better of it, I pulled over the chair from my desk, stood on it, put the rope around my neck, and kicked the chair away. Pain and pressure were all I felt, but I could still hear the men’s laughter, see their faces, and feel their hands on me. I wanted it all to go away. I wanted everything to go dark and silent.
Black dots spotted my visions, and I couldn’t hear anything other than the strangled sounds I made. I thought I saw Damien’s white hair and that I could hear his voice, and then suddenly, I was on the floor, and he was over me. I couldn’t focus on anything other than sucking in huge gulps of air. When I turned my wild eyes onto Damien, I found that he was crying, shaking, and looked both terrified and relieved at the same time. I tried to say his name, but it hurt. The pain around my neck was immense, and it struck me at that moment what just happened. I had hanged myself, attempted to take my own life, and my baby brother somehow cut me down.
“Alec,” he sobbed. “I have to get Ryder.”
I panicked and latched onto him, shaking my head.
“No,” I rasped. “Please.”
The pain when I spoke was unbelievable. My voice was little more than a husky whisper, but I could hear my desperation in my words, so I knew Damien could too.
“Why?” he choked. “Why did you do this? God, I was about to go back to bed instead of coming in to check on you. I heard you cry downstairs while I was in the kitchen getting some snacks. I almost didn’t save you in time.”
I swallowed, and my entire body jolted as agony tore across my throat.
“Two men,” I choked. “They raped me, and I had to let them do it. I had to.”
“What?’ Damien asked, horror in his tone. “Alec, what?”
“I don’t want to be here anymore.” I looked at him. “I want to die.”
“No,” Damien said, his grip on my arm tightening. “I’m not going to let you!”
I did something I have never done in front of him. I cried, and he cried with me as he pulled me onto his legs. He sat on the floor, holding me like a baby, and neither of us cared. He rocked us from side to side and told me how much he loved me and how everything would be okay.
“Is that the date Marco set you up on?”
I jerked my head in a nod, and he was silent for a long while.
“Alec,” he sniffled. “You’re not going to let those fucking monsters ruin you.”
“They’ve already ruined me,” I choked. “I’m not ... I’m not me anymore.”
“You’re a better you because you’re stronger than your hurt,” Damien replied. “Look at me.”
I did.
“You’re still my brother, and the fucking nicest dude I know. That has not changed and will never change.”
I didn’t understand how he could think that, but I saw in his eyes that he believed it, and that made me break down completely.
“You can’t tell the others,” I pleaded, ignoring the pain in my throat. “Ryder will blame himself, and Dominic and Kane will want revenge, and they could get hurt. We can’t let that happen.”
I could see Damien was torn about what to do.
“Damien, please. I ... I don’t want them to know.”
It took a few minutes, but he eventually nodded, and my body practically deflated with relief.
“Does it hurt?” he asked, looking at my neck.
I nodded. “I’ll see the doctor tomorrow.”
“The others will see your neck and know something happened, and your voice ... it’s not the same, man.”
“We’ll pretend I have the flu or something. I can stay in bed for a week with that, and I’ll just cover up my neck until everything is healed.”