I dove onto my bed and buried my face into my pillow as I sobbed. My chest hurt with the newfound knowledge of my appearance. My cheeks burned with embarrassment, and my heart ached with pain.
How could I not know I’m fat and ugly? I angrily thought. How could I not see it?
I had a mirror, a full-length one, but I never saw what Anna and Ally saw, even though Anna had repeatedly pointed it out over the last few years. When we made up, she would tell me she just said the mean things to hurt me, not because she thought they were true, and I stupidly believed her. I thought I looked like a normal teenage girl. I never thought I fell into the fat or ugly category. My father always told me I was beautiful. Kale did too.
They lied. Kale lied.
“Lane! Open this door right now!” my father ordered, and banged on my door with his fist.
I could hear my mother shout as she ran up the stairs, then my brothers’ voices as they ran in from the back garden upon hearing the shouting.
“No. You lied to me!” I screamed.
My father was silent for a moment before asking, “What did I lie to you about?”
Like he didn’t know!
“You told me I was beautiful,” I bellowed. “You told me I was perfect. You lied to me, Dad. I’m fat and I’m ugly, and everybody knows it! Everybody!”
I was sobbing so hard I almost made myself sick again.
“Lane!” Lochlan’s voice shouted. “Open the door, or I’m breaking it open!”
“Lochlan, stop it!” my mother snapped, her voice distraught.
“No, we don’t know what she’s doing in there,” he argued. “What if she’s hurting herself?”
At that my mother screamed for me to open the door, but I refused to do as she ordered. I didn’t even respond to her. I was too busy replaying what Anna and Ally had said to me in my head.
Hello, ugly alert.
“Lane?” Layton’s voice suddenly bellowed.
I closed my eyes and hugged my pillow to my body.
They’d all lied to me, every single one of them.
I screamed when a sudden bang erupted, followed by a crunching sound. I shot upright on my bed and stared wide-eyed at my door – which was now wide open.
“You – you kicked my door in!” I stuttered to my father, who stalked into my room and straight over to my bed to me.
I scurried back away from him until my back was against my wall.
“Don’t touch me!” I cried, wrapping my arms around myself.
My brothers flanked my father while my mother crawled onto my bed to get closer to me. She stared at me.
“What happened?” she asked, her voice shaking.
I looked at her for a moment before I cracked.
Breaking down, I threw myself into her opened arms and sobbed into her chest. She wrapped her arms around me and cried with me, even though she had no idea what was wrong. She just saw her baby hurting, and it hurt her.
“Anna . . . and Al-Ally,” I sobbed. “We were in Anna’s house, th-they called me fat and ugly, and they’re ri-right. I am disgusting.”
My mother whimpered. “You are not. You’re beau—”
“Don’t,” I wailed. “Don’t lie to me. I ha-have braces, I have gl-glasses, I have acne, and I’m fat. I’m ev-everything they said I was. I’m an ugly cow. I want to die!”
“Lochlan!” my father’s voice shouted as my brother ran out of my room. “Where are you going?”
“To get those little bitches here to fix this!” Lochlan replied, his voice a bellow.
“Oh, shit. He’s going to the O’Leary house,” Layton hissed, then ran out of my bedroom after our brother.
“Goddammit. Take care of her – I’ll be back soon.” My father ran out of the room after my brothers.
When they were gone, I fully turned into my mother’s embrace and buried myself against her. I held onto her as my body trembled. I felt so bad about myself, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I had never given my appearance much thought, but Anna was right: if I ever wanted a boyfriend, I would have to “look the part”. The only problem was, I had no idea what that meant.
“Why did Anna and Ally say those mean and untrue things to you?” my mother asked as she continued to rock us from side to side.
I sniffled. “Anna, she told me Kale was cu-cute, and she wanted him to be her b-b-boyfriend. I told her it wasn’t a good i-idea because he was older. I told her he was almost a man, and we w-were still girls. She didn’t care though, so I-I called her stupid,” I said, quickly adding, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to call her that. It just sl-slipped out.”
“It’s okay, she is stupid for saying those things to you,” my mother assured me. “It’s all going to be okay.”
She continued to hold me, and before I knew it, I’d closed my eyes and slipped into an unsettled slumber. I awoke sometime later with my blanket pulled up over my body and my glasses removed. I reached out to my bedside table, picked up my glasses and slid them on. I was tired and wondered why I’d woken up, but when I heard voices downstairs, I realised I must have heard his voice in my sleep, and my body reacted by waking up.
I sat up and switched my lamp on. It was dark outside. One look at the clock on my wall and I groaned. It was after 8 p.m. I’d slept for hours, which meant I was going to be awake all night and be miserable in the morning when I got up for school.
The thought of school, and Anna and Ally in my class, made me feel ill. I decided then that I wasn’t going; I would persuade my parents to let me stay off since it was a Friday. I needed the entire weekend to figure out what I was going to do about my appearance.
I needed to think.
I looked at my door when I heard footsteps come up the stairs. I tilted my head to the side and focused on my door. It was closed and looked fine, but the panel that surrounded the lock was gone.
My father had kicked it off.
“Lane?” my mother’s voice called out softly as she knocked on my door. “Honey, Kale is here. He would like to see you.”
“Why?” I shouted at the closed door. “Why would he want to look at me?”
Seconds went by until his voice spoke. “Can I come in, Lane?”
Never.
“No, I don’t ever want to talk to you or see you again, Kale Hunt! You’re a liar!” I screamed, and lay back down on my bed, turning over to face my wall.
I was hurt, embarrassed and mad.
I was mad that Kale had never told me I was fat and ugly. He was supposed to be my best friend. We told each other everything. So why hadn’t he ever told me something so important?
Why did he lie to me? I thought hopelessly.
I sat on my bed and remained quiet until I heard their footsteps walk away from my bedroom and descend the stairs. I waited a further five minutes before I stood up from my bed.
I didn’t want to leave my room, but I needed to go to the toilet.
I walked over to my door slowly and carefully pulled the damaged wood open, wincing when the damaged hinges creaked. I hesitated, but then quickly pulled it open very fast, hoping the noise would be kept to a minimum. I was right: the door didn’t make much noise, but it didn’t matter if it did or not; he still would have heard. Sitting next to my room with his back against the hallway wall didn’t leave much room for him to miss anything.
“Go away, Kale,” I said, and stepped over his legs and walked down the hallway and into the bathroom.
He didn’t reply to me, didn’t make a single noise, and that irked me.
I relieved myself in the bathroom, and when I was cleaning myself up at the sink, I made a point not to look up into the mirror. I didn’t want to see what everyone else was forced to look at.
I exited the bathroom and headed back down the hallway towards my room. I glared at Kale, who still had his arse parked on the floor right next to my doorway. I shook my head as I stepped over his legs and entered my room, closing the door behind me.
Again, he said nothing to me; he didn’t make a single sound.
Damn stubborn lad.
I busied myself for the next hour with homework and some reading. I couldn’t get into either one, though. Anna’s cruel words and Ally’s shrill laughter replayed over and over in my mind on an endless loop. I glanced at my bedroom door, and after a moment I stood up and walked over to it. I reached out for the handle, and after a few seconds of hesitation, I gripped the handle and pulled the door open.
He was still there.
Still sitting outside my room, waiting for me to let him in. I stepped back and opened the door as wide as it would go. I said nothing, but Kale knew what I was offering. He pushed himself to his feet and entered my room.
I closed the door and turned around to face him. He was standing in the middle of my room, with his hands shoved into the front pockets of his jeans as he stared at me. He gazed at me with sad hazel eyes. I was more than ready to tell him off and be mad at him, but when he silently lifted his arms and opened them to me, I broke down.