“It doesn’t have to be complicated. I don’t date either.”
“I don’t do meaningless sex either.”
“Who says it has to be meaningless,” he challenged. “We’re both single, and I’m almost certain the attraction’s mutual, Avery. It’s only complicated if you let it be.”
But it was complicated. He was bossy, and I was bossy, both of us gunning for the upper hand. I tried that before, after Gavin. I couldn’t take it. I needed to be in control, or I couldn’t enjoy myself.
We bickered like children and, eventually, he’d object to the way I earned a living. He thought he just wanted a shot at sleeping with me, but due to our shared address, if we did it once we’d likely do it again—even if only out of convenience.
We were too on top of each other here, and there would be no hiding my clients from him. I couldn’t deal with living under a microscope. My life was mine, and I was in the last mile of a marathon. He would only trip me up.
“I like the way I manage my life. I only have to think about myself and take care of me. I don’t want to change that.”
Something shifted in his eyes, a flash of hurt or vulnerability. “But you’ll date them.”
“That’s different, Noah. There’s no emotional attachment.”
“I don’t believe you. I see the way that guy treats you. I’ve seen you with him before. There’s something there, Avery, and it’s more than business.”
It was already starting. He was already watching me too closely. “Micah’s special. He takes care of me.”
“Aren’t you afraid he might stop? Where’s the security in that?”
“I’d survive.”
And Micah wouldn’t just vanish out of my life. He wouldn’t abandon me like that.
He laughed with little humor. “The irony is, if I paid you, like them, I’d get to date you.”
I shook my head. “I wouldn’t accept you as a client.”
“Why not?”
“Because…” I don’t sleep with clients. I wasn’t sure if that truth stopped me because I wanted to fuck Noah or because I wouldn’t. With Noah, there was emotion, and with my clients, it was strictly business. “Because we’re friends.”
“You’re scared. You don’t know how to give up control. Every little part of your world is orchestrated from the second you wake up to the moment you go to sleep. That’s not living, Avery.”
“And fucking you is the answer? You think that’s going to make me seem somehow more alive?”
“Why not? Maybe you need to get laid.”
“What I need is for you to leave.” Why had I ever let him in? He saw my place and now thought he had me all figured out. “You don’t even know me, Noah, so don’t pretend you’re the solution to my problems.”
Right now, my biggest problem was him and the fact that he was suggesting things I didn’t want to hear. I stood, hoping he’d do the same and walk his ass out the door.
“I know you’re uptight. You pretend to be calm and indifferent, but you’re wound so tight you need to run in place for an hour a day just to unwind enough to function.”
“So what? You jump out of planes to feel alive!”
“I jump to feel detached. You should try letting go some time. You might like it.”
“I’ve done the uncertainty thing. I don’t need to fling myself out of a plane to know I’m alive and temporary. And I don’t need to have meaningless sex with random men to prove I can. I like balance and security—”
“You date a different guy every night! That’s structure, not security.”
“That’s how I prefer to live. I choose the boundaries, and I determine how long they stay.”
“None of it’s real.”
“That’s how I want it.” Real was complicated.
“Don’t you get lonely?”
My lips pressed tight. The loneliness was the hardest part, but I was too much of a control freak to rely on others when it came to my happiness. Even in marriages, people walked away, people changed, people died.
“I manage.”
“Let go, Avery. Just for one night. If we’re really friends, trust me and let me take the reins.”
“I can’t.”
“You can.”
“No, Noah, I can’t. I have a system and—”
“Fine. But in my mind, friends go places and hang out together. And sometimes, friendships evolve.” He stood. “I’m sorry I crashed here last night.”
Something tightened in my chest. “You’re mad.”
“I’m annoyed.”
“Noah, I said we could be friends—”
“I’m not your buddy, Avery. I’m a guy who’s painfully attracted to you, and no matter what I do or say, it changes nothing. Every time I hear your door open it’s another man taking out the woman I want. I can’t do this anymore. You won’t even give me a chance.”
“The reason I won’t go anywhere with you is because to you it would be a date, when to me it would be nothing more than friendship.”