And this bonnie lass sitting next to me is the reason why.
* * *
Chapter Eighteen
Cairstina
My heart aches so badly I feel as if I could welcome a swift and merciful death. I never knew such poignant, vivid pain, but I’m in the throes of it now like never before. I want so badly to be with him, to be his girl. To believe all the beautiful things that he says to me. I know what I brought to this family. I know who I am. And I know now that I'm better off alone.
The first leg of the journey home is quiet, as he's driving, all broody and silent, and I have nothing else to say. I still can't believe that I actually spoke aloud. I don't know how I did it, except when I saw the other man coming at Leith and needed to warn him.
He looks angry again, just like he did when I first met him.
I watched him hurt my brother today. And my brother may be dead. I don't know what kind of a person I am to wish this, but I hope he is. I don't want to ever worry about my brother coming after me again.
I don't belong here anymore. I never did. I only wish I knew where I did belong. On instinct, I reach my hand to Leith’s leg, and give his thigh a squeeze. I want him to know that I'm here with him. I want him to know that even though I don't belong here anymore, I will always love him. Bailey’s on the other side of me. He places his head in my lap. I close my eyes, and give myself away to my imagination once more.
I pretend Leith is special to me, maybe even my husband. I have him to my left and Bailey to my right, so I'm surrounded in a safe little bubble of love. A little cocoon of safety. I want this so badly there's a lump in my throat. I swallow it, and it doesn't go away.
Finally, he speaks. “Cairstina.” He only says my name, nothing more. I look at him curiously, wondering what he'll do next. I guess he just said my name? He looks at me out of the corner of his eye, the road in front of us clear so he can take a moment to give me a stern look. “Say my name again.”
I open my mouth so I can do what he says, so I can say his name. I liked the feel of it on my lips. But the words don't come. They never do. I put my hand on my throat, grasping it, willing to work. I’ve researched mutism and trauma heavily. Mine was caused by brain damage. It was a fluke that I spoke at all.
“Perhaps this is in your head, lass.” His voice is gentle, but I don't know how to respond at first. I shake my head at him. It’s more than that.
“You said it once,” he says. “I know you can do it again." His voice is tremulous. And I don't know how to respond at first. I open my mouth again, but I can't speak.
"I know how to make you speak the truth," he said, solid determination making his jaw firm. He pulls to the side of the road, and for a moment I wonder if he's going to punish me again, or overpower me, somehow intimidate me into doing what he wants me to. He looks furious. Determined. I’ve seen him do violent, wicked things, and yet… I’m not really afraid.
He holds my gaze. “I love you.”
He doesn't say anything else. I stare at him, completely shocked at what he just said. He loves me? He reaches for my hand and gives it a squeeze. "You've been through a lot, and I know this," he says. "But I also know that you are the bravest person I've ever met in my life. The bravest.”
He gives my hand another squeeze. "If you love me, you'll tell me this, too." I pull my hand out of his, and reach for my phone, because I need to tell him I love him too. But he takes my phone and throws it on the dash, so I can't reach it. I look at him, agape, and he only shakes his head.
"Say. It."
I open my mouth, and imagine the words coming out. I will myself to do it, for the words to tumble out of my lips like they're meant to. To tell this beautiful, strong, brave man that I love him, that I belong to him, and that I'll never leave him again. That I never should've left him to begin with. There're so many things to say that I feel almost paralyzed. I shake my head and stare at him. I open my mouth.