She might not care.
I’d seen her with Mason’s kids around town and at The Jar. Cass’s little ones too. She loved them. She would be a natural at the motherhood thing.
In my gut, I knew I’d risked everything by letting myself slip. It hadn’t been conscious, but I couldn’t say I was sorry. I wanted a baby with her, more than anything. It was a primal urge. To mark her as my own. To make a life that shared her DNA and mine. The ultimate symbol of this thing that was happening between us.
So I held her, brushing her silky hair away from her face when she got restless and fighting my arousal and fear. I’d never really been scared before Kelly. Alert. Focused. On guard. But scared?
Never. Not even in the heat of battle.
Maybe that was because I’d never had something worth losing before. I’d never had anything as precious as the girl sleeping in my arms.
Chapter Sixteen
Mason
“Chili is on point tonight, Boss.”
“Thanks, Shorty.”
“It’s always real good. But this has that extra tongue tingler.”
“I may have gotten a little heavy-handed with the secret sauce.”
He just grinned at me and smacked his lips. I raised my hand and headed out to the floor. It was still early, and the dinner crowd was in. The Jar was getting to be more family-friendly every month, it seemed, though we still had bikers come by. Especially late at night. Maybe the place just reflected its owner.
Times have definitely changed.
Thankfully, there hadn’t been another homicide here since the last one. The one that had started it all. The killings, the fear. The extra security. The strange and uneasy truce between the Untouchables and Shane, the newest President of the Hell Raisers. It had also brought Cass and Connor together. Even dark clouds had a silver lining, if you looked hard enough.
I ducked into my office and sat down, quickly scanning the books and reordering supplies on my computer. I grinned at the crayon marks on my desk, from where Payton had gotten carried away doodling in those early days. I shook my head at the memory.
Michelle had been so upset, so worried when she saw what Pate had done. She didn’t know her little girl already had my heart on lockdown. They both had.
The truth was, I had been gone hook, line, and sinker from the moment I saw Michelle. I’d taken one look into her big, soulful eyes and sensed the sadness there. The depth. The brave and beautiful person behind them.
It had taken us both a while to figure that out, with us torturing ourselves to hide from the truth. But in my gut, I had known she had my heart from the get go. Even before I met her amazing kid. They’d let me love them when I’d been afraid to love anyone. It had taken two ladies so sweet that I just couldn’t help but give in. Those girls had sealed my fate the moment I realized they needed me almost as bad as I needed them. And I couldn’t be happier about it.
So, yeah, I liked the crayon marks.
Every time I sat down, I was reminded of my little girl. Cass might be my first daughter, but I’d formally adopted Payton. She was already my daughter in my heart, and now it was legal too.
Father’s Day was pretty much the best day of the year, in my humble opinion. Other than the girls’ birthdays. And Christmas, when I got to spoil them rotten. And Valentine’s Day, where my love wore frilly red and pink lingerie.
Yeah, that was pretty great too.
Now I had three little ladies at home and I couldn’t be happier. And my first, completely accidental kid was having babies of her own. Yeah, Cass was a mama now too. I was practically a granddaddy. Life was pretty much perfect.
Well, except for one little thing . . . what would have been a really big thing, if I hadn’t put the brakes on it.
My woman, my old lady, my much, much better half, was putting herself at risk and I couldn’t have it.
Michelle had this bee in her bonnet about having another baby. She scared the hell out of me with talk like that. Her last pregnancy had been risky as hell, with her blood pressure all over the map. I never wanted to go through that again. What if I actually lost her this time? She was determined, though, and breaking out the frilly nightgowns and lace panties all month. And I was having trouble controlling myself when she tried to talk me into going bareback.
There was nothing I loved more than going skin to skin with my gorgeous wife. So I’d taken care of it. I’d done something unthinkable to any sane person. Maybe even unforgivable.
I’d gone behind her back and gotten snipped. I knew she’d be mad at me. But I couldn’t risk her. I wouldn’t.