“No matter what you think, I’m not a bad person. I let myself believe that for a long time. I let you convince me I wasn’t good enough. Wasn’t worthy enough.”
“Well, I’m so sorry,” Sara quipped. “Please tell me how I can make it up to you.”
“You’re going to find out eventually that I’ve changed.”
“You haven’t changed. Neither one of us would be here if you had.” Sara struggled to keep the bitterness out of her tone. “Everything is always a game to you. What we’re doing right now is a game. You never walk away. You never let anybody get the upper hand. You think you’re a good cop, but you don’t care about the job or anyone else who’s doing it. You just want to make sure that you win no matter what it costs.”
Lena smirked. “Whatever you say, Doc.”
“I’m not doing this.” Sara started to walk away.
“I can’t believe I used to be jealous of you.”
Sara turned, mouth open in disbelief.
“Your family. Your life. Your marriage. Everybody in town respected you. Worshipped you.” Lena shrugged. “And then I realized one day that I didn’t want to be like you. Couldn’t be like you if I tried. No one can. You’re too perfect. Too demanding. Nobody can meet your high standards. Jeffrey couldn’t.” She shook her head, as if she genuinely felt sorry. “Will doesn’t stand a chance.”
For a moment, Sara was too stunned to speak—not because of what Lena had said, but because she’d so masterfully turned the conversation.
Sara said, “You want me to feel guilty for moving on with my life?”
The smirk on Lena’s face said it all. She echoed Sara’s words from before. “Now you know how it feels.”
Sara asked, “Are we going to do this now? Are we really going to do it?”
“Aren’t you scared I’m going to win?” Sara crossed her arms, waiting.
“All those years I wasted thinking you were better than me. Poor Sara, the tragic widow. And then I find out you jumped right back into the saddle with the first cop you could find.”
Guilt flooded Sara’s senses. Lena had always been a shark who could smell even the tiniest drop of blood in the water. “That’s not how it happened.”
“That’s exactly how it happened,” Lena shot back. “You’re just a fancy piece of trim. You know that?”
Sara laughed, relieved that was the worst of it. Trim was slang for women who slept with cops. “And?”
“You know what you loved about Jeffrey? That he took risks. That he went out there and beat down anybody who got in his way.”
“Is that all you have?”
Lena stepped closer. “You never would’ve given him the time of day if he was just some pussy who let everybody else fight his battles.”
“You mean like you?”
Lena pursed her lips, the only indication that she’d heard the words. “I saw the way you used to look at him—your hero. Your big, tough cop. I bet it’s the same way with Will. Funny how you just slotted in one cop for the other. Wonder how Jeffrey would’ve felt about that?”
Sara shook her head, as if the blows weren’t landing. “Is this going somewhere?”
“You wanted Jeffrey out there fighting the good fight. You loved it when he swung his dick around, kicked ass, and took names. Lemme tell you something, Sara, he took risks because you wanted him to. You got some kind of cheap thrill out of pushing him to the edge. I gave him a place to go, but you—you—were the one who rewarded him for it.”
“Shut up,” Sara snapped. The cut was too deep. “Just shut up.”
“Doesn’t feel so good, does it? Being blamed for something you couldn’t control.”
“This conversation is over.” Sara tried to walk away, but Lena grabbed her arm. “Get your hand off me.”
“I thought we were doing this.”
Sara jerked her arm out of Lena’s grasp.
Lena said, “You always think you’re so damn smart, but you can’t even see what’s right in front of you.” She gave a surprised laugh that echoed down the empty hallway. “Hey, I guess you make mistakes after all.”
“You think I don’t make mistakes?” Sara’s voice shook with rage. She could barely restrain herself. “I was the one who told Jeffrey to hire you. I was the one who told him to promote you. I was the one who thought you could do your goddamn job and keep him safe.”
Lena was backed against the window. Sara loomed over her. She couldn’t remember moving, couldn’t understand how her finger had jammed into Lena’s chest or how her hand had clenched into a fist.
Slowly, Lena turned her head, offering her cheek. “Go on,” she said, her voice smooth as silk. “Take your best shot.”
There was a weird tickle in Sara’s feet. She felt as if she was standing at the edge of a bottomless pit. She forced herself to look over Lena’s shoulder at the rows of newborns swaddled in blankets. The cheerful rainbows and clouds painted on the ceiling above them.
Sara couldn’t let Lena win. Not this time. Not like this. She stepped back from the edge. She dropped her hand. She straightened her spine. Sara held up her head as she walked down the long hallway.
Lena asked, “That’s it?”
She just needed to make it downstairs. Once Sara was outside, once she had fresh, cold air in her lungs, she would find a way to put this behind her. The last five minutes were not going to erase the last five years. Lena had no idea what Sara had been through. How she’d struggled. How she’d carved out a new life for herself. She didn’t know Jeffrey and she sure as hell didn’t know Will.
The sound of slow clapping echoed down the hall. Sara forced herself not to flinch. Each clap sounded like a gunshot.
“Good for you, Doc.” Lena clapped louder. “Ride your high horse right on out of here.”
Sara didn’t turn around. She couldn’t turn around. She’d end up giving Lena the catfight she’d been spoiling for.
She pushed open the door to the stairs. Her hands would not unclench. Sara rounded the landing at a jog. Each step she took only served to ramp up her anger.
Of course Sara had loved Jeffrey because he was tough. There wasn’t a woman alive who didn’t want a strong man in her life. That didn’t make Sara responsible for his murder. She had begged him not to trust Lena, to just once let her hang herself with her own rope. And the idea that Sara could just slot in Will for Jeffrey was preposterous. The two men had nothing in common, except that both of them would’ve kicked Lena to the curb if they’d heard her talking to Sara the way she just had.
Sara almost wept with relief when she reached the main floor landing. She found herself in another dimly lit hallway. There were no stragglers or visitors at this time of night. Sara followed the green line on the floor, knowing it would take her to the elevators, to the exit.
Too demanding.
Too perfect.
If only.
Sara couldn’t stop herself from making mistakes. She was overwhelmed with mistakes. Little ones. Big ones. Life-altering, earth-shattering fuckups had followed her for the last five years of her life, culminating in her drive down to this godforsaken hospital.