“No. You don’t mean that.”
He spun to face her and she jerked back, startled by the dizzying combination of raw pain and fury in his eyes. They damn near glowed, his light green irises made even more vivid by the hints of red blossoming throughout the whites. The muscles framing his cheeks knotted and gathered tightly beneath his skin as he clenched his teeth. Letting his eyes drift shut, he slowly turned his head away.
“I love you,” he stated, his voice strained. “More than anything in this world, but I can’t bear to look at you right now.”
His words struck a heavy chord of fear. Numb, she tried to shake the chill that crawled like a slow moving glacier in her veins. She searched frantically for reasons, explanations, anything at all that she could have done. She was grasping at invisible straws and, more than that, she felt like she was drowning. No matter how many breaths she drew, no matter how hard she tried, none of the air seemed to make it into her starving lungs.
Her hand shook as she lowered it into her lap. Bowing her head, she shielded her hurt behind the dark curtain of her hair. “Whatever I did to upset you, I’m sorry.”
He twisted around without warning, the fluid speed in his movements startling. Wide-eyed, she stared back at him while he snared her face between his hands.
“No,” he said, running a thumb over the slope of her cheek. “You didn’t do anything wrong. This has nothing to do with you, baby. Do you hear me? This is all me. All of this…it’s all on me.”
It felt like someone had a death grip on her throat. Though meant to help, his assurances didn’t make her feel any better.
“It’s not though.” She finally managed to speak, but her voice was shaky and strangled. “It’s you and me, Sebastian. Whatever happens, we are in this together.”
She wished she could take the words back as soon as they left her mouth. The pain that crossed his face was devastating. His noble features twisted and crumpled. Clamping his eyes shut, Sebastian shook his head as if trying to lose the memory or the slow burn of her words. His expression remained pained.
“Don’t say that right now, Taylor. Please. I’m begging you. Don’t say that.”
She couldn’t take anymore. Whatever this was, whatever had happened, it was ripping him to shreds. Surging forward, she wrapped her arms around him. He braced against her and started to pull away, but she held on tight. Sebastian grew even more rigid, but as the seconds ticked by, he gradually started to relax. She sagged with relief the moment his arms lifted and he crushed her against him.
“You know I will always love you,” she whispered, trailing her fingers through his disheveled curls. “No matter what. I won’t push you, but if you need to, you can talk to me. I want to help you, Sebby. I would do anything to ease your pain.”
“I know, baby, but you can’t. You don’t know…the things that happened today…I can’t un-see them.”
Her blood quickened under the threat of danger, making her pulse thunder in her ears. She didn’t want to ask. She didn’t want to know what could possibly have him so unraveled, yet some secret part of her did. If only to help ease the fear.
“They were innocent, Taylor. Those people were innocent and he just…mowed them down. They were running. They were so scared and they were just trying to get away—to understand what was happening.”
His hold on her tightened, his grip crushing until it was hard to breathe. Resting her head against his, she kept stroking his hair, coaxing him, but letting him continue at his own pace. Sebastian trembled lightly against her, his breathing shaky and uneven. His eyes remained closed as he relived the nightmare playing in his head.
“They tried so hard,” he repeated, whispering. “It wasn’t right, Taylor. It wasn’t right. These people weren’t terrorists. They didn’t deserve that. He lied to the team and he used us to slaughter them.”
A heavy block of ice settled in her chest. The images flashing through her mind were far from pretty, and she felt her stomach twist. Holding him tighter, she tried not to imagine what that must have been like.
“I can’t do this,” he stated, backing the claim up with a gentle shake of his head. “Not if this is the way things are going to be. I just can’t.”
She didn’t know how anybody could, but she didn’t dare put those thoughts into words for the fear of making things worse. “I know, Sebby.”
“No. You don’t. How could you? That’s the thing, Taylor. That’s always been the biggest thing about all of this. I don’t want you to know these things about me. It kills me to think about you looking at me and ever seeing anything but love reflected in your eyes. I don’t want you to feel disgusted or ashamed to be with me.”
“Sebastian, I don’t.”
“How could you not?” he asked, pulling away and springing to his feet. “Jesus, Taylor. Are you even listening to me? We slaughtered a bunch of innocent people today. We killed kids. Does that make you proud? Does that make you want to go to bed with me? To carry my child and my name?”
She recoiled from the ferocity in his voice as much as his claims. Tears brimmed back at her, still unshed, as he raised his arms in silent question. Shaking her head, Taylor struggled to swallow past the lump wedged in her throat.
“I…”
Shit. What in the hell was someone even supposed to say to something like that?
Taking a deep breath, she tried again. “There is a difference,” she stated softly, no longer able to meet his eyes.
“In what?”
“Between what you do for a living and you. I’m not blind, Sebastian. I know you’ve done some terrible things. But there is a difference between the man who’s doing his job and you. That man would never let his guard down, and he would never be able to look at someone with love in his eyes or treat them with kindness and compassion.”
He flinched at the last word, but she kept goi
ng.
“But you do those things, Sebby. You do them for me every day.”
He stared at her for a long moment. His mouth pursed, his lips whitening beneath the firm press. “I hate to break it to you, baby, but me and that monster are one and the same.”
“No. You aren’t.”
“I don’t care if you believe it or not, Taylor, that darkness is a huge part of me. It always has been.”
“That’s not true,” she whispered, rising to her feet and stepping forward to run her hands over his cheeks. “Not always. There is some goodness in you. There is some light. You try to keep it buried, hidden, from yourself and the rest of the world, but I see it Sebastian. It’s in there. That’s why you’re torn up and hurting.”
“Stop it. I’m not hurt. I’m pissed and you’re just talking in circles, Taylor. A person can’t be both, so which is it? Am I good man or a bad one?”
She lowered her eyes. Her heart tightened with sorrow and conflict as varying explanations flittered through her mind. How did she put into words the complexity and mystery that comprised him? Try as she might, there was no defining Sebastian.
“Look at me,” he commanded with a forceful tug of her hair. “I want an answer, Taylor.”
Shivering at the hard edge creeping into his voice, she forced herself to meet those intense shamrock-colored eyes. He snared her jaw and held her gaze. An impatient growl rumbled through him and Taylor’s heart stutter stepped as the air in her lungs started to burn.
Wetting her lips, she finally mustered a response. “You’re you, Sebastian. I can’t describe it. You’re a mixture of everything—passion and poison all rolled into one. You can be cruel and heartless one moment, and incredibly sweet and vulnerable the next. There’s seldom any middle ground with you. You swing from one side to the other with little or no warning. I never know what to expect or what side of you I’m going to get.”
His fingers sank deeper into the lines of her jaw and he wrenched her head to the side, allowing him access to her neck. Sharp teeth and stubble plied her sensitive skin as Sebastian ground his hips against hers, his arousal hard and menacing between them. Surging forward, he backed her against the house, trapped her wrists beneath his powerful hands, and pinned them to the bricks.