So it made no sense that sitting there holding that list, tears sprang to my eyes. But I needed that list. That list might be the difference between me tucking my tail between my legs and heading off the island in a matter of months and me living out my dream of owning and operating my own dance studio on the island I’d always loved.
Maybe it was because I was 25, not 18 anymore. At 18 he was my first love and it was like rainbows and moonbeams and fireworks exploded every time I saw him. I had no context to make sense of it and nothing else mattered when I was with him, it was just Liam and me in our own private world.
Now I was an adult, not old in any real sense of the world but I had my claim to weariness. I’d worked myself to the bone under strict and harsh scrutiny, literally given such effort I’d collapsed to the floor only to be told I needed to give more. I’d danced with such intensity and passion I’d broken my toe, only to read a critic’s review the next day complaining that he found my performance lackluster. I’d had fellow corps members lie to me so I’d miss an audition opportunity, even my live-in-boyfriend George cheat on me with my main rival, my understudy whom I swore kept a voodoo doll in my likeness stuck full of pins in the hope one day I’d fail and give her her chance to shine.
Many mornings I’d woken up and not known whom I could call in time of need. My brother was lost to his own pain and my sister trapped in a fierce cycle of addiction. My mother was caught firmly in a net of her own design, attached to the goals of wealth, privilege and status that had contributed so little to her own happiness. My father probably wouldn’t even recognize my voice if I called him, and he wouldn’t be able to offer much else besides throwing money at a problem.
An act of unselfish help, offering something I actually needed? That didn’t happen often in my experience. But Liam had given me help, in the form of the right people to call. He’d also offered to take care of the flooring himself. And that meant I needed to sit on the floor myself, wiping a tear or two from my cheeks.
I told myself not to make too much of it. I shouldn’t get overly attached to him and assume he still had feelings for me. I shouldn’t throw myself at him and tell him I regretted ever leaving him. So after a few minutes, I picked myself up, dusted myself off and got a cup of coffee to start my day right.
“You look like you need this.” In Cuppa Joe, after a long line of tourists, Regina greeted me with a small, black coffee. And she said that after I’d splashed water on my face and given myself a little dust of foundation powder for good measure.
“Yeah.” I didn’t even try to deny it.
“Did Liam go yell at you yesterday?” Regina looked sheepish.
“He did.” When I’d mentioned my misadventure to Regina, I’d never imagined she’d tell Liam.
“I had no idea he’d go storming out of here like that.” She shook her head. “Men!”
“That’s OK.” I didn’t blame her at all, but I did wonder. “Why did you mention it to him, though? Were you just talking in general about the night, or…?”
“You’re asking why I mentioned you to Liam?” She gave me a piercing look before she turned her attention to an impatient tourist. “What can I get you?”
I left, blushing a little. Did she think there was something going on between us? Was there something going on between us? We hadn’t even had a regular, normal conversation since I’d gotten back onto the island. But I did have to admit, he was on my mind a lot. Last night, in particular.
I hadn’t exactly fallen right to sleep. The other night I’d displayed fortitude and resistance, insisting that no matter how hot and bothered I felt I wouldn’t touch myself and think about Liam. Last night I hadn’t had as much willpower.
In the dark between the sheets, I’d let myself go right where I wanted, closing my eyes and reliving every moment of our kiss. The feel of his rough hands, the power in his shoulders, the fierce intensity with which he held me, claimed me. It hadn’t taken long. I’d been so aroused all day. My fingers had worked my slick, throbbing clit as I’d pictured us not stopping, no interruption, just Liam and me, up against the wall, him thrusting hard and rough up inside of me. I’d cum, crying out into a pillow, my body shaking in orgasm.
My phone rang, snapping me back into reality. Eloise’s nanny sounded desperate. “Please, can I bring her to you?”
“Of course,” I assured her. I’d promised Eloise she could come spend a few hours with me at the store. She was desperate to be a part of the transformation. In particular, she dearly hoped to paint it bright pink. I’d cross that bridge when and if we came to it. And if I ever needed an excuse to say no to anything, I could always rely on the historical society. I was sure they had restrictions on using any paint colors other than beige, gray, or graying beige. Although my new friend and partner-in-crime Julia might be able to talk them into a dusty rose. That would look pretty.
Julia wasn’t exactly working miracles, but together with my daily persistence she was helping to move the process along, inch by inch. The latest victory we’d achieved was getting a waiver on the code that restricted the removal of plaster. I couldn’t put in dry wall, instead—that would be cray cray—but I could take down what was needed to fix electrical and plumbing. I felt a little like I’d gotten dispensation from the Pope.
Twenty minutes later Eloise burst in, nanny in tow. It wasn’t the first time she reminded me of her storybook namesake, full of boisterous mischief. “I’m ready to paint!” she declared, spinning around. She had several bags with her filled with various belongings. I wondered if that was typical of a five-year-old, or a symptom of the unrest and instability in her past. I knew they’d moved around a bunch. Maybe things had gotten so bad with my sister that Eloise had had to keep her prized possessions with her at all times for fear of not seeing them again?
“I brought some helpers!” She went over to the corner and started setting up shop, arranging her stuffed animals in a semi-circle.
“OK ’til 12?” her nanny asked.
“Why don’t I bring her home and give her lunch.” My offer was met with a wide smile of appreciation. “And I’ll take her to the beach this afternoon. Why don’t you take a little time to yourself.”
“Thank you so much.” She was out the door before I could say another word. I guessed working in our household might be a little stressful. My mother wasn’t exactly lenient, generous or quick to praise. Just sharing a roof with her put me on edge. But I had plans to change that. Plumbing first, electrical second. Once I had running water and electricity, I’d move in to the second floor no matter how much the plaster was crumbling and the roof needed patching. I didn’t need the place to be perfect, I just wanted to be on my own for the first real time in my life.
“OK, bunny, I’ve got a project for you!” I sang to Eloise. I’d given it some thought, knowing she’d want to feel like she was helping but I couldn’t actually ask her to roll up her sleeves and have at it. “Come and see.” I led her around back where lower laminate cabinets called for a thorough cleaning. After laying down a tarp, I set her up with a bucket of warm, soapy water and a big sponge. I helped her roll up her sleeves. I had no illusions about her somehow staying dry, but the cuffs might get in her way.
“Have at it, luv.”
Her grin lit me up. “Can we listen to Disney?” she asked and I indulged her, selecting her favorite iTunes station on my laptop. As Ariel belted out “A Whole New World,” I rolled up my own sleeves and began making calls, starting at the top of Liam’s list.
“No problem,” the first guy said. “He told me to be on the lookout for your call.” I heard that a few more times as I made my way along. It seemed Liam had told them all to expect I’d be in touch, and maybe also asked them if they could do me a solid, say yes and help me out. Everyone who answered my call agreed that, sure, they could come out in the next day or so and take a look. I couldn’t believe it.
I guessed different gestures seemed romantic at different times in life. Back when I was 18
I’d swooned when Liam gave me roses. Now, the name and number of a good plumber had me fanning myself. A half an hour later I felt more upbeat about the renovation than I ever had. I felt momentum, like my dream might not be all in my head. I might actually now have people to help me make them come true.
By the time I heard a knock on the door and saw it was Liam, I nearly flew at him with a huge smile on my face. I couldn’t help but hug him hello.
“Hey.” He hugged me back, sounding surprised but pleased.
“Sorry.” I took a step back, trying to practice restraint.
“No, it’s all right.”
“I’ve just been on the phone with some of the people you recommended,” I gushed. “They all sound really helpful and said they can come take a look at this place. Which, let me tell you, has not what I’ve been hearing.”
“Yeah, it’s a bad time of year to be trying to get some good help.”
“Tell me about it.” I shook my head. “But Johnny, the first plumber on your list, he’s coming out first thing tomorrow morning. And the second one you have on there is taking a look tomorrow afternoon.”
“Good, glad they’re coming by. Now we just have to make sure they do right by you.” He smiled at me and my heart skipped a beat. If I was not mistaken, he’d just used the pronoun we. As in he was going to help me with this project as well. It was hard enough when he was railing at me, angry and scornful. But it might be harder if he got all nice and supportive. I might melt into a puddle right then and there.
“Can I take a look at that flooring?” he asked. “I’ve got the day off, so I thought I’d come by. Sorry I didn’t call first. I realize I don’t have your number.”
“Oh yeah, no, of course.” I bumbled and fumbled, closing the door, searching for my phone only to realize I’d left it in the back room. “Here, I can put it in for you.” He handed me his phone, our fingers touching for a moment. I blushed like a teenager. Get it together, Sophie, I coached myself. I’d performed on some of the grandest stages in New York, London, Sydney, Paris and Moscow. But my hand had been steadier at a world premiere in front of an audience of hundreds than it was punching in the digits of my phone number into Liam’s phone. I did it wrong and had to delete and start over.
“Thanks. I can call you and then you’ll have mine, too.” My phone rang with his call and I instantly forgot it was him calling. Rushing to the phone to pick up, I saw his name and tried to laugh it off.
“Right, of course, it’s you calling.”