That was certainly the truth. Sometimes it felt as if it was seconds. He nodded.
“When you were beaten and raped and barely alive, the others rallied around to save you. You became a single unit to survive. You’re an intelligent man, Absinthe. Step outside your emotions and think about what those teenagers were doing together. They formed a pack. A tight pack. A unit where they each played a part in order for all of them to live. They needed one another. If one went down, they all were going down. They needed each other. If you didn’t know it at that point, the leaders certainly did. They needed your talent and your brother’s talent in order for each of them to survive what was being done to them. What they were forced to do. Do you really think Savage would have stomached what he was doing if you hadn’t helped him? He’s strong. A fighter. He would have forced them to kill him.”
“Maybe it would have been more merciful,” he said, stating aloud what he’d thought so many times. “He lives in hell. He fights his inclinations every day. Sometimes I can help him, but most of the time he doesn’t come to me.”
“He’s alive and that means he has hope.”
“For what? What chance does he have?”
“You found me.”
His heart jerked hard in his chest. He couldn’t seem to comprehend what she said. “Scarlet …” He didn’t know what he was going to say. Hadn’t she understood him? “All those girls? Demyan? I let them down when they needed me the most. They counted on me and they died. Savage was here in our home and you were terrified. You had your own flashback because of me. I was somewhere else, taking a trip down memory lane, and I couldn’t come back. That could happen anytime, anywhere, when you need me the most.”
“First of all, Demyan’s death was definitely not on you. Had you been connected to him, he still would have died and you know it. He disconnected, not you. You’re holding a grudge against Steele because you can’t face that loss. You already know this, I don’t have to tell it to you. You’re too intelligent not to know. At some point you had to have put your emotions aside and studied this horrid event from every angle. You know those men killed him. I assume you hunted them down as well.”
“Steele killed them. Every one of them. He returned broken, a mess, but he killed them all himself,” Absinthe admitted.
“That doesn’t surprise me in the least.”
“You’re right. I did look at Demyan’s death from every possible angle. I knew the highest probability was that my brother had been the one to disconnect and I had changed the way things had happened on my end in my mind because I couldn’t face my brother’s death. Someone was to blame. Steele or me. I wanted to condemn both of us, but you’re putting the blame squarely on the shoulders of the monsters attacking the two of them. Even while you’re doing it, my mind is screaming no, we were to blame. It was my responsibility. It was Steele’s.”
“You blame the two of you because you had already formed your pack, that tight unit, and all of you were taught to watch out for one another. Steele has to feel as guilty as you do. It’s ingrained in you to watch each other’s backs. In this case, neither of you were able to do so, it was an impossibility. You both have to let that go.”
On some level he knew Scarlet was right, he’d always known she was right, but he couldn’t accept it.
“Have a conversation with Steele, Absinthe. You both need to talk about this or you’re never going to put it to rest.” Scarlet kept the arm he held so loosely—but that was his lifeline—very still, but she raised the water bottle with her other hand. She took a deep breath. “You know what happened to those girls wasn’t your fault. You were as much a prisoner as they were. You tried to make their lives easier. That was all you were doing, Absinthe. You know I’m not lying to you and I wouldn’t. If for one minute I thought you were to blame, I’d tell you, but you weren’t.”
He shook his head and started to take his hand away. She turned hers up and caught his, her fingers threading through his. “Absinthe.”
There it was. That voice. The one that took away the worst demons a man like him could have. Sweeping them out of his mind.
“I’m with you because I love you. I want to be with you. You have to believe in me, but even more than that, you have to believe in yourself. I really can’t save you if you’re not willing to save yourself. It won’t be easy to change the way you think about all of this, but you’re smart. Use your mind, not your emotions. Think with your brain when these things creep into your head. Come to me and we’ll talk about it. And you have to find a way to forgive the others. They were doing exactly what they were taught to do. What they needed to do to survive. You’re part of their pack, their unit, and they can’t lose one member or they all go down.”