His leopard was terrifying. For Alonzo to live with that. The knowledge that he had to barricade himself inside his home in order to sleep or his leopard could slip out from under his control and kill someone. She pressed fingers to her trembling lips. How could he live with such a monster? How had Fyodor survived his childhood, teenage years, his life, with such a monster slashing at him day and night?
"Now you know."
She looked up to see Alonzo filling the doorway with his wide shoulders and tall frame. He took up the space, cutting off her retreat. A blue flame burned hot beneath the glacier ice of his eyes. She couldn't tell what he was thinking. For a moment she was ashamed of ferreting out his secret before he was ready to tell her, but he'd said to go exploring.
He moved first, gliding across the floor in silence, his hand closing over her wrist, fingers wrapping around bone so that he effectively shackled her to him. "I didn't want you to see this until you got used to me."
"Used to you?" she echoed. What was he talking about?
He tugged, taking her from the apartment and the evidence of his killer leopard. "Used to me. Committed to me."
She scowled at him. "Throwin' myself in front of a gun isn't enough of a commitment for you?"
"This is not the time to remind me of that particular moment."
He took her into the great room of the main house and indicated a chair. "You need to get off that leg. The limp is more pronounced than ever."
He had a point. Her leg was on fire. The doctor had definitely told her not to overdo it. The house was very large and it had taken her a long time to explore. She hadn't even gone into the conservatory or the atrium. Without a protest she sank into the chair he'd indicated.
"Don' tower over me. Sit down too."
His gaze drifted over her face. Brooding. Moody. He prowled away from her and then began to pace the length of the room and back.
"I'm not going to let you go, Evangeline. I know you came from a fucked-up lair and you're afraid of my cat being violent. He is. He's dangerous. I've handled him my entire life and now, with you, he's calmer. It will be easier. I'm not keeping you for my leopard, or because for the first time in my life, I don't have to fight him for control. I'm keeping you because I can't conceive of my life without you."
She kept her eyes on his face as he paced. No expression. He looked--alone. She rubbed at her thigh, around the wound that was healing. She was leopard and that meant she healed faster than most people. It was uncomfortable, but the pain was manageable. She knew she was lucky. Mitya had taken the brunt of the attack.
"I know what you saw--the bars on the windows, the metal plate on the door--was scary. I can't tell you it isn't needed, because you saw the way he tries to break free. You have to learn to live with him. He'd never harm you. Never. You hold his female. You're one and the same to him. Ours. He . . ."
"Stop, Fyodor." She kept her voice low because that was her way. "You don' need to dictate to me, and in fact, over time, you're goin' to find out it isn't goin' to work. I make up my own mind about things. I get that you're a big, bad, scary man. You've spent a lifetime intimidatin' people into doing what you say."
"You try to leave me and you'll find out just how bad I can be."
She rolled her eyes, she couldn't help it. She knew him. She'd watched him carefully for over a year. Alonzo wouldn't raise his hand to a woman. In fact, if his enemies really wanted to kill him, they should have sent a woman after him. She would have had a much better chance at ending his life. Now it was too late for that. Now he had her.
"Are you listenin' to me? You're goin' to have to start payin' attention to what I say, honey, because in spite of the fact that I appear to be sweet, I have a nasty temper. I am leopard, after all."
That brought him up short. He stopped pacing abruptly and turned to face her. Her heart fluttered at the sudden surge of hope in his eyes. It quickly faded to be replaced by ice, but she'd seen it. It was too late for him to cover up his feelings. He had intense emotions and those feelings were all for her.
"I'm listening."
She could see him bracing himself for condemnation. "I didn't say I was leavin', you just jumped to that conclusion. I'm not made of porcelain. You're--amazin'. An amazin', incredible man. I looked at those steel bars and wanted to weep for you. I can't imagine how difficult it's been with your leopard so vicious with the need to spill blood."
He didn't blink. Didn't take his gaze from hers. He looked as if he were holding his breath. "I don't understand."
She wanted to smile, but she didn't. She just kept looking up at him, letting him see how she felt inside. She had made that commitment to him months earlier, she just hadn't known. Even taking the leopards out of the equation, she knew Fyodor was hers. Born for her. And she'd been born for him.
"Evangeline? You called me 'honey.' I like that. I like hearing you say that. You don't call anyone else that."
"No, I don'."
"Damn it, woman." He raked his hand through his hair with a jerky motion. He was always so smooth. That little telltale sign of nerves endeared him to her even more.
"You need to just say it straight up. What the hell are you thinking?"
"I'm thinkin' my man might just be a little slow on the uptake. Why would you think I would run now?"
"The bars on the windows. The fact that my male is vicious. I don't expect you to understand what he's been through and I'm not going to defend him, but I'll protect him. From himself and from others."
"You don' have to do that with me. If I accept you as my man, then I have to accept your leopard. My female is part of me. We might be separate entities, but we're still one. I love her. I'll protect her with everythin' in me. I imagine it's the same for you. Acceptin' you means every part of you, and that's your leopard too. My female will help me. She's a bit enamored with him at the moment, but she's slowly risin'. Once she gets through her first heat, she won't tolerate any nonsense from him."
He just stared at her as if he couldn't comprehend what she was saying.
"So no more dictatin' nonsense, Fyodor. And you might tell me your real last name. I'd like to know what my name will really be even if I'm never called by it."
"There's going to be dictating."
She shrugged. "Then prepare for rebellion."
He took a deep breath. "You aren't going to fight me on this? You're going to stay with me?"
"That's the plan. I'm warnin' you ahead of time, I don' have the first clue about relationships. I've always been on my own and I've made my own decisions. If we butt heads, it's goin' to be when you try to tell me what to do, so try to go easy on that."
He nodded. "I'll warn you, I don't have the first clue about relationships either, so I guess we'll make up our own rules." His eyes continued to watch her. Focused. His cat watching her closely as well. He held himself very still.
"Just say it, honey. If we're doin' this, we have to be able to communicate. It isn't any easier for me than it is for you."
"I'm the man."
"I get that."
"I don't think you understand what I mean."
"I'd have to be deliberately obtuse not to understand what you mean, Fyodor. You want to take the lead. You want the control. You think I'm goin' to run because you're very, very bossy."
"That's about it."
"I've seen your bossy. I get it. The thing is, you'd better get me as well. I don' roll over because you tell me to do somethin'. It isn't goin' to work that way. If you want me, it has to be me you want. That means you're not gettin' everythin' your way."
"You were angry about the cameras."
"Of course I was. Seriously, Fyodor, if I put cameras all over your house and place of business without your knowledge, even for the right reasons, even to protect you, wouldn't that make you just a little bit upset? You could have talked to me about it."
"You would have protested."
"That's my right."
"What is the point of arguing when I kno
w I'm going to do it regardless of what you say? When it comes to your safety and the safety of our children, our home and business, it's my field of expertise and my job to keep you protected. Why argue?"
She blew out her breath, understanding where he was coming from, but he wasn't getting it. "I have to be your partner."
"No, you don't. You have to be my woman. My beloved woman. The center of my universe."
She liked that--and she didn't. She knew he meant what he said. She was his woman, beloved at that. She didn't question that. He was different with her than he was with any other, but she wasn't a woman to rely on someone else. She was independent. She liked making her own decisions. Truthfully, she wasn't certain how their relationship could work because clearly he was exactly what he was trying to get across to her: the man, a throwback to days gone by.
"I feel like we're in negotiations."
He shook his head. "Not that. We're a done deal. We're together."
"We still have to find our way together. If you mean what you say, and I'm that important to you, then who I am has to be important. I'm that girl from the swamp without a family, without a parent, or anyone at all. I made my own rules. I can't be anyone else, not even for you."
He dragged a chair close to hers and sank into it, reaching for her hand. "I'm going to drive you crazy, but I'll listen to what's important to you and we'll find a way to make it work. Timur and Gorya head the security team, and I won't mind you making them a little crazy."
She leaned back, liking the feel of his fingers curled around hers. "I won't mind makin' them crazy either, especially Timur. He's not entirely sold on the idea of you keepin' me."
"He is now. You proved yourself when you leapt over that counter. He's always suspicious of everything and everyone so it took a little while for him to warm up to the idea of having a sister-in-law."
"I love my bakery." She made it a statement.
He brought her fingers to his mouth and brushed a kiss across her knuckles. "I know you do. We already have security set up. Timur has one or two ideas to tighten security. We have a cleaning crew to make it easier for you, and I would like you to hire a couple of people to help you. We can talk about that, but one or two would make your life easier. Business is picking up and you can afford it."
She had thought to keep her business small because she wasn't certain what kind of boss she'd make. She was very picky about how her bakery was run. Still, if she hired someone to help her, she could get more baking done and customers wouldn't have to wait. He was nibbling on the tips of her fingers, his teeth scraping over the pads with exquisite gentleness, a sensual experience that sent heat curling through her veins and had her very core tightening with anticipation.
"I might be amenable to that. If I still have a business when I'm allowed to go back to work."
"You'll have business. Probably far more than you can handle."
He didn't sound like he was happy about it, but she decided to ignore that.
"I'm taking you up on your offer of an office in that back room. It would make it easier for me if I wasn't traveling back and forth so much. It will be easier on the security team as well. They can concentrate on the bakery and cars there during the day. This place is set up for security. Antonio Arnotto made certain of that."
"Is this your home?"
"It belongs to Siena Arnotto. She married Elijah Lospostos. She's offered the estate to me several times. She's happy where she is and doesn't want to come back here. The vineyards and winery she'd like to keep. Everything else she wants to deed over to me."
"She wants you to buy it? This place has to be worth millions. Can you afford it?" And did he even want it? He'd been there for some time but he'd never actually lived there.
"She wants to deed it over to me," he corrected.
She drew back and leveled a look at him, instant suspicion gripping her. Maybe, if she was honest with herself, jealousy as well. Alonzo had told her he hadn't been with another woman in years. Had he lied to her?
"Why would she do that?" What kind of relationship did he have with Siena Arnotto Lospostos? Why would the woman want to deed over an estate worth millions to him? It didn't make sense. She knew about Siena Arnotto. She'd been the only heir of Antonio Arnotto.
Her family had a violent history in spite of the fact that her grandfather had spent his life as a winemaker. His wine was famous, his vineyards legendary. From the countless magazine articles written about the Arnotto family, Evangeline knew that Siena was beautiful and very well educated. She didn't come from a poor family of criminals in the swamp.
"Stop it." Alonzo growled the words and bit down on the tips of her fingers, holding them between his teeth when she yelped and tried to jerk them away. "Siena was fifteen when Antonio assigned her to me. I was her bodyguard. That's all. She was a sweet, innocent girl living with a monster, but she didn't know that. She had no friends. Antonio made certain of it. He arranged for her to be married to a man who would have beaten her. He did beat her, and her grandfather did nothing."
"You care for her." She made it a statement. She hated that her voice had gone even lower, a total giveaway to him. She ducked her head, unable to meet his frozen gaze. It was difficult to feel stripped raw in front of him when he was so completely in control. She'd practically thrown herself at him, and now she felt uncertain.
"Yes. I do." When she tried to pull her hand back, he clamped down harder on it, refusing to relinquish his hold. "She was a young, innocent girl. My leopard didn't care. He was still as savage as ever. I care for Siena as a younger sister, not as a woman I would ever be interested in. In any case, solnyshko moyo, there is only one woman I'm interested in, and it isn't Siena."
She felt a little ashamed that she'd been jealous. Alonzo had a past. He'd been with other women. She didn't want to know their names or how many there were. She had to be secure in the knowledge that he'd chosen her. That he wanted her. Truthfully, she found that very hard to believe.
"Evangeline. Malyutka, look at me."
His voice was so gentle, her complete undoing. She jerked her chin up and glared at him. "Why me? Really, Alonzo, why would a man like you want to be with a woman like me?"
He frowned. "You need to tell me what that means."
"My grandfather was Buford Tregre." She paused, waiting for a reaction, but he just looked at her with his expressionless eyes. Just saying her grandfather's name sent fingers of ice creeping down her spine. "He was cruel and he liked to hurt everyone around him, especially women. He murdered his own son to keep him on the property. That was Uncle Renard, Joshua's father. Renard fought him in order to give his wife and child time to get off the property--which they did."
Alonzo didn't move. Didn't blink. He listened intently, fully focused on her. She took a deep breath. "My father wasn't like Renard. He knew what his father did to women--even his own wife--but he stayed. When I was born, he and my mother took me to a camp in the swamp, and he told my grandfather I was dead. I was female and sooner or later Buford would have done horrible things to me or killed me."
Alonzo stirred as if he might say something, but all he did was press his lips to her fingertips, his gaze never leaving hers.
She moistened her lower lip with the tip of her tongue. Talking about her father often made her throat close so she felt as if she were strangling. "They took me into the swamp. I was an infant. They wrapped me up and left me in one of the camps. Alone. My mother left. They said she died, but I know that isn't true. She left me. Just the way they left me."
Gold flecks began to appear in Alonzo's eyes, turning the glacier from pure blue ice to a greenish ice. There was no expression on his face, but he took her hand and pressed it open, finger by finger, until he could hold her palm over his mouth. She felt his breath on her skin, as if he breathed for both of them--and maybe he did.
She didn't look back. Not ever. That always reduced her to that child in the swamp. The toddler huddled alone with only her leopard to keep he
r company. The alligators bellowed and she could hear the rustle of the animals sniffing around the outside of her little sanctuary. She jammed her fist in her mouth to prevent any sound escaping. Sound meant death. Even her leopard told her that.
"I learned to become part of the swamp. Sometimes it flooded and I couldn't leave my home. It was cold or very, very hot. There were snakes. I was bitten a couple of times." She showed him her arm and the scar there. Her leg, down low near her ankle. "I was very sick, but my leopard refused to allow me to die."
His eyes went all gold and a snarl escaped. "You want to tell me where your father was? Where the head of your lair was?"
"He said he left me there to protect me. That's what he chose rather than escape his father. He brought me groceries, but if I wanted hot food I had to learn to cook. He brought books and workbooks so I could learn."
Alonzo erupted into Russian, spewing phrases she was certain were very bad ones. She winced, but she didn't pull away from him. She knew he wasn't angry with her. He was angry because her father hadn't protected her the way he should have. He left her alone in the swamp. Night after night. It had been terrifying.
"I'm tellin' you this because you have to understand me. That bakery represents me risin' out of the swamp. Taking control of my life. I learned to live with the alligators and the other animals. I know the swamp, its rhythm, its heartbeat. I know how to take care of myself, but I don' know how to have a relationship. I've never had one. Never, Fyodor. You had your brother and cousin. I had my leopard." She ducked her head, unable to meet his eyes. Ashamed. "My own father and mother didn't care enough about me to fight for me. They threw me away instead."
She hated telling him. She didn't want to think about her parents and how Joshua's father had fought valiantly to save his wife and child, but her father just pretended she was dead and left her alone. So alone. She shivered at the memories and tried to pull her hand away from Alonzo.
"Don't." He said it softly. "Look at me, devochka moya."
She chewed at her lower lip. If she looked at him she would be lost. Unable to think clearly. That was what he did to her. He had to realize she was no bargain. She wasn't Siena Arnotto. She never would be. She would make mistakes, and she was independent. He was a dictator. A man used to others obeying him. She hadn't obeyed anyone in a long, long time.