Our argument wreaked chaos through the night, generating one thought after the other until my head throbbed under the weight of it all. As soon as I’d closed the door to the guest room, the first sob broke free, and I’d rushed to the shower, turning the water scalding hot to wash it all away. The anger, the hurt, the want, the need…the love. I wanted it all gone because it grew too big to bear. I’d stepped from the shower and swiped the steam from the mirror, looking at the shell of a woman looking back—not recognizing her.
The last time I hadn’t recognized my reflection had been on the yacht, with Nico behind me, making me his. I’d wanted to be that woman. I’d wanted to be his.
I didn’t want to be this version of myself, but I didn’t see a future where I looked in the mirror and saw anything other than what I lost.
Do you have to lose him?
My biggest fear at seeing Nico again, reared its head. I’d avoided him because—despite the lies and pain—I loved him. I wanted to be the woman he’d set free, and I didn’t want to face what I would sacrifice of myself to make it happen. I didn’t want to face the chance that I’d be a woman to turn a blind eye to lying because of love. I wanted to love myself more than to be in that kind of relationship.
By the time the sun rose the next morning, I’d maybe had only a few hours of sleep.
I squinted my puffy eyes against the bright rays of light creeping across the floor. Rolling to my back, I dug my hands into my hair to relieve some of the pounding pressure from a night of crying.
Staring up at the fan, I replayed our conversation one more time.
Empathy for what he’d gone through mixed with anger from being used. I swayed like a pendulum from one side to the next, struggling to keep up and process it all. I understood his anger—I was angry for him. I understood his need for revenge.
I just didn’t understand why he had to make me fall in love with him to make it happen.
Taking a deep breath, I flung the covers back and sat up. I checked the time and found about a hundred messages from Raelynn and a few from Nova. I’d messaged Rae to let her know I was physically still alive but going to bed and muted my notification.
Raelynn: I’m so sorry. It’s my fault I made you go. I should have nut-punched him. I just…I just thought any decision you made would feel better once you heard him out.
Raelynn: I love you.
Raelynn: Do you want me to come get you?
Raelynn: Did I mention I was sorry?Nova: Raelynn called me. She says not to hate her.
Nova: I won’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but I will suggest not making any decisions until your emotions calm down. I’d probably feel a little violent if someone carried me out, too. But give yourself permission to take in his words without your anger questioning it all. Yes, he lied, and we should make him suffer for it…but maybe give him a chance to explain.
Nova: Don’t let your anger make his explanation fall on deaf ears. Don’t let your anger make all the choices. It’s okay to listen and take time to process it. It’s okay to believe that not everything was a lie. Give yourself permission to think on it. Speaking from experience, but sometimes once a decision is made—especially in anger—it can’t be undone. So be 100% sure it’s the right one.
Me: But how do I know if it wasn’t all a lie?I didn’t know if Nova, wherever she was, even had service in her camper van, but I needed her calm rationale more than ever.
What if everything wasn’t a lie?
That was the million-dollar question—the one I wanted to believe, but the one I was scared to hope for. The one I was terrified would have me compromising myself to believe. When the dots started bouncing on my screen, I leaned forward and held my breath, thanking the phone gods for giving Nova service.
Nova: You have to listen and make the best decision.
Me: But what if I make a decision because I love him, and I sacrifice respect just to be with him.
Nova: You’d never do that. I know you. You wouldn’t even sacrifice them for the traditions your mother left you and marry Camden. You’re good, Verana, and you want to follow the rules that people set out for you, but you have a line. Have confidence in that line.
Nova: If it helps, I don’t think it was all a lie. I saw the way he looked at you, walking down the aisle.