But the guilt was his. “Everything was my fault.”
Her trowel jammed into the earth, Claire oddly comforted that he knew her insides were a mess. She did not speak of Thólos, not with him, not with Dr. Osin. Any reminder set her off. “You were right. I can’t be who I was.”
“You can be something else.”
She was only one thing now. “I suppose I am. I am your wife now.”
The modest band was dirty from her work in her garden, but Shepherd’s eyes found pleasure in seeing it on her finger because the title was one that mattered to her. She’d mentioned many times in the past, her dream of her future husband, so he’d spoken her culture’s vows to please her. “You are, little one: my wife and mate. You are also a sub-par gardener.”
Claire laughed, her eyes glittering as the rage dwindled and amusement seeped in. “Maybe I’d be a better soldier.”
“You would not.”
His teasing made her laugh again. When the sound faded, her mercurial emotions found momentary neutrality. “I’m going to go running on the causeway over the city where we walk.”
“I will accompany you.”
“I don’t want you to. I want to run by myself.”
It was very difficult for Shepherd to remain silent and trust Dr. Osin’s advice. “Do not forget to wear a windbreaker. It can grow very cold near the updrafts.”
An hour later, Claire sprinted down the vacant path until her body shook from exertion, and she’d loved every minute of it. She’d panted heavily and bent over, near vomiting. She did the same the next day, then the next. She ran as fast as she could, darting through shrubbery, jumping over stairs. She ran until it hurt.
That distracting pain was preferable to the ache she couldn’t shake.
Shepherd had her shadowed each time, attempting more than once to do so himself, but Claire was too fast. So when reports came back, weeks later, of how she’d stopped in her run—how she’d sobbed, her hand pressed over her womb—he’d just about strangled Dr. Osin, but released the old woman’s throat before more than bruises would result.
Claire had returned home, oblivious. She’d prepared dinner for them. She’d smiled and been happy. And then she’d reached for his belt buckle and gone to her knees.Chapter 18“What did it feel like the first time you saw him?”
Another aggravating morning with Dr. Osin. They had been doing this for too long, going through the motions, wasting one another’s time. “The snow… he was hard to see. I felt him, heard him calling. Shepherd was smiling.”
There was a pause. “So you jumped from the causeway to reach him?”
“You already know I did.”
“I do. Which is why I asked you what you felt the first time you saw Shepherd.”
There was a twitch Claire could not suppress, a tightening around her mouth. “I was cold.”
“You were frightened?”
Claire could hardly put voice behind her answer. “Yes.”
“Tell me why.”
And this is where the session would dead-end. Claire was stubborn, and Thólos was a time she would not think of. “Why do you think?”
The old woman spoke directly. “He is dangerous. Larger than you. Violent. Intelligent.”
Claire could not help but agree. “He didn’t look at me when I asked for a moment of his time.”
“Did he hurt you?”
“No. He saved me…” Claire shook her head and amended, “I thought he saved me. He used me.”
“In estrous?”
“I hate estrous.” All of them had been disastrous, terrifying, or a weakness she could not defend herself from.
The woman adjusted her glasses and looked up from her notes. “I am an Alpha, my deceased mate Omega. Estrous is a thing we experienced roughly three times a year. It was celebrated.”
What did that matter? “You’re a female Alpha. It’s different.”
“He feared estrous initially too. Male Omegas are one in a million. I found him on the poorest levels. I took him.”
Claire sneered. “You’re a bitch.”
“He did love to call me that. He also loved me, greatly.”
Green eyes moved from the wall she chose to stare at during these talks to fix directly on her psychiatrist. “And still he died.”
“Of cancer, twelve years ago.”
“I’m sorry.” She hadn’t meant to say something so cruel, aware the monotone of her doctor must hide great pain. “I am sorry.”
“You love him.”
There was no need for Claire to confirm. “I know he makes you come here, that you had a position far more interesting than dealing with me. For that I am sorry, but I don’t want to talk to you.”
Dr. Osin’s voice was smooth, focused. “My job remains the same. All Followers are analyzed by me. In this new world, I decide who is fit to serve our cause and who must be removed.” There was no pride behind the doctor’s next statement. “When it comes to psychology I am the best in Shepherd’s army, subsequently the best in the world.”