I have no idea what I’m feeling or what I’m even doing. He’d told me to tell him to stop and I didn’t. In fact, if he would’ve stopped I might have begged him not to stop. I’ve never felt the way he makes me feel. Which is utterly crazy, because he’s crazy. At least I'm pretty sure he is. Besides wanting to keep me captive and never letting me go, he seems utterly perfect. Too perfect, to be honest. Didn’t I think Fritz was perfect, too? That didn't turn out so well for me.
I think I tried to believe he was perfect because he was all I knew. What I thought I should want. Now seeing how Ryker is treating me, the lines have become too blurred and I have no idea what’s going on.
Today has been like we’re a normal couple having a first or second date. I reach out and pet Diamond. He said she was mine, but I know that isn’t really true. I don’t belong here. This isn’t my home and this isn’t my life, no matter how much I would love it to be. If things had been different… If I hadn't been with Fritz and Ryker asked me out like a normal guy…
Or if he just waited a little after what happened to me and Fritz. Seeing the two of them on Lilith’s desk changed everything in my mind, made me open my eyes to things I should have seen long ago, but I chalked it up to me not knowing how real functional relationships worked, having only seen my mama’s growing up. All I knew was that I wanted nothing like those.
The thought of before makes me wonder if Roxy is wondering where I am. My roommate was an asshole, but I know he liked my money. Is Fritz even looking for me? What if no one wonders where I am? I’d never thought about it before, but if Fritz thinks we’re over and my roommate doesn’t care that I left, then no one would know if I dropped off the face of the earth. Roxy already said he wanted me to start looking for a new place. For all I know, no one has even reported me missing. Could that really be happening right now?
I know the answer to that question. I could be gone for months before someone actually noticed, and the thought is depressing. Roxy will probably toss all my crap out and get another roommate without a second thought. I’m not sure how long it would take my mama to notice. At least a few months for sure. If she did notice I hadn’t called in a while, I don’t think she’d even know where to begin to look for me. I've had to tell her multiple times where I went to college. I’m guessing nothing else stuck in her alcohol-soaked mind. Hell, the police would probably think she was some loony woman just rambling about a daughter she knows nothing about. Not one single person in my life would care that I vanished.
He’d notice.
I glace back over to Ryker. Why does the thought make my heart flutter? Probably because it feels nice to have someone that would miss me.
“No one is looking for me, are they?”
I finally ask the question that I’ve been afraid to voice. I can’t even really say it out loud. It’s almost a whisper, and I’m feeling all kinds of sorry for myself. How sad is that? I left home to start a new life, and look where I ended up. I’ve got no family to speak of, and not a single friend in the world. What do I have besides a degree I don’t even want?
The only friend I thought I had was Johnny. A flash of him standing behind Ryker the night I ran out of the studio sparks in my mind, but it’s gone before I can grab onto it.
Ryker looks at me, and his eyes soften. I can see the answer there and he doesn’t have to speak it out loud.
“You brought me Bear,” I mutter, breaking eye contact with him as the realization hits me.
He had to have gotten Bear from my apartment. Why hadn’t I even thought about that before? Probably because there were too many other things to think about when I first woke up. I also kept falling under some spell of Ryker’s where I didn’t question things. I’ve been pretending he’s some prince who saved me that night from a horrible boyfriend. If only.
“I cleared out your stuff. I should have done it the day I found you. That fucking roommate.” He says the last part through clenched teeth. It makes the hair on my arms stand up and I can see the jealousy in his eyes.
“It was you, wasn’t it?” I shake my head. “The one who threatened Roxy?” Of course it was. Fritz wouldn’t threaten anyone or get jealous over me. He was so passive when it came to confrontation.
Ryker shrugs, but I can read the tension in his body. He’s pissed just thinking about it.
“I don’t belong to you!” I yell.
His horse comes to a stop, and mine follows suit. I know I’m not yelling at him for putting Roxy in his place. I’m upset and angry because that’s what I wanted Fritz to do. To care that I was living with a man. To get jealous over me and to care about my safety.
Even today I noticed that I carried on talking and talking while Ryker listened. Really listened to me and soaked in everything I said. It wasn’t something I was used to. Normally Fritz did all the talking. I want to like Ryker, but it’s wrong. Besides, he’s hiding something else from me. I can feel it. I already trusted one liar, and I won’t fall for another. I won’t be like my mama. She would take men back who did the most fucked up shit to her, but I’m better than that. It’s why I left that life behind. To make sure I didn’t become like her.
“Yes, you do,” he says calmly. “You’ve been mine from the first moment I saw you. You’ll always be mine.”
I nudge my horse to move, not looking back at Ryker. I can’t bear to right now. I’m falling for this man with the things he says, even though none of this is making sense. I need to keep my distance from him. I’ve got to put up a wall and protect my heart. Because a man like him might just crush it. I know with him I could fall fast and hard. It wouldn’t be forced like it was with Fritz. I know because I already feel myself falling.
“Why couldn’t you have just asked me on a date or something? You could have come after me like a normal guy,” I finally spit out when the silence becomes too much.
I want to understand Ryker, because without the whole crazy kidnapping thing, I like him. Really like him. And I damn well shouldn’t. I’ve never had an attraction to a man this fast before. Not even with Fritz. It had to build that up over time, but with Ryker it’s sudden and overwhelming. Instead of trying to make myself fall for him like I did with Fritz, I’m fighting everything in me that’s pulling me towards him. I’ve been letting myself get lost in these sweet moments he keeps creating. He’s pushing out the reality of what he’s done, and the lines are all pear-shaped.
“I have my reasons,” he says in that lazy, laidback tone he has. He says it like he doesn’t have a care in world and it’s all going according to his plan. You know, like felony kidnapping charges just don’t matter in the state of South Carolina.
“Care to enlighten me?” I challenge.
I don’t feel so timid with him now, and maybe it’s because of what we did in the peach orchard. Or maybe I’m starting to believe that he really won’t hurt me. Something deep inside of me believes it to be true. Even though I should probably question my own judgment when it comes to men. Worse, I feel like I’m allowed to lose it and won’t be scolded as if I’m a child for doing it. He’ll just let me have my fit and be okay with it.
“No.” And the one word is final.
I clench my jaw, getting angry. Fine, if he doesn't want to talk then neither do I.
I ignore him as we make our way into the barn. He helps me off Diamond, which I’m glad for because I’m still not one hundred percent comfortable doing it on my own. But I still maintain silence, pissed off he won’t answer me.
When I slide down the horse, he pulls me into his body. I feel his erection drag across my body and dig into my stomach when I’m on my feet. He groans at the contact, but I pull away. He doesn’t like that at all, because he pulls me back against him.
I open my mouth to say something sassy, but his lips land on mine and I lose my train of thought. The kiss is deep, and I think for a second my feet leave the ground. As he kisses me, and that hard length seems to grow impossibly bigger, I wonder if this time he’s going to get his turn to get off.
My body shudders with excitement at the idea. God, I shouldn't want it, but somehow the thought of him using me goes straight to my core and my thighs clench together in excitement. It’s like he knows these dark thoughts my mind craves. Desires I didn’t even know I had until he awoke them.
His kisses aren’t like anything I’ve ever felt before. I thought I’d been kissed, but I was so wrong. His does it like he’s starved for me, like he can’t get enough. His hands dig into my hair, pulling me even closer to him. I can’t help but moan into his mouth as his tongue makes love to mine.
His chest rumbles, sending a shiver racing though my body. When he pulls his mouth from mine we are both breathing heavily. My nipples are tight, and I can feel exactly how wet my panties are. Need pounds down on me once again like when we were in the peach orchard. How does he do this to me? I feel so out of control, and it’s intoxicating. I can let go and everything falls in his hands. At least this way I can claim I had no choice. There’s no thinking about tomorrow or what comes next. All I have to do is enjoy the moment and not push for the future.
But that’s not how life works. I let go of him, realizing that I’d wrapped my arms around his neck. I take a step back from him and drop my arms. He closes his eyes for a moment before releasing me completely.
I turn around to pet Diamond, mad at myself for kissing him back. I’m supposed to be ignoring him. But just as confusion and frustration take hold, his arm wraps around me and pulls my back to his front. The warmth of him melts me, and damn it, I love the way it feels.
“You can’t ignore me forever,” he whispers in my ear before kissing the place under it sweetly and letting me go.
Challenge accepted.
He starts putting the horses away and I wonder if I should help him. I decide it’s best to stay away from Ryker, because when he’s close I can’t think straight. I wander through the barn, looking around a bit. I peek into some stalls, thinking there might be a phone or something.
I freeze when an older man enters the barn, and all the blood leaves my face. My eyes lock with Johnny’s, and his soften when they meet mine. He slides his hands into his pockets and I shake my head. A humorless laugh leaves me, and I feel tears form.
“No one’s looking for me,” I say to myself, confirming my thoughts from earlier.
I walk past Johnny, unable to look at him, and he calls out my name. I keep walking, even though I have no idea where I’m going. I walk in the direction of the house since it’s my only real option. When a hand slides into mine I know it’s Ryker’s without having to look.
“I will always look for you, Cricket.”
I fight back tears as we get in the Gator and ride back to the house. I’m not sure if I want to cry because I feel like I’m alone, or because I’m not alone anymore, because if I’m honest, Fritz and I were never really a real him and I.